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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

299 replies

Me23 · 16/03/2014 08:52

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 16/03/2014 09:42

YABVU.

Martorana · 16/03/2014 09:43

I have the same age gap. If mine had got up at 5.30 when they were 8 and 3 they would have watched TV together, and the 8 year old would have got them both some breakfast. They wouldn't have dreamed of waking me up- and I wouldn't have dreamed of getting up with them.

Bowlersarm · 16/03/2014 09:43

YANBU.

It wouldn't hurt her to give you a break. You see her so rarely you would think she would want to help you a little. She must realise how lovely it would be for you and your DH to have a bit of a rare lie in together.

Although I second the poster saying get your 8 year old to look after your 3 year old. Mine were capable of going downstairs and putting the TV on or playing for a while without an adult to supervise at a younger age than 8.

Marylou62 · 16/03/2014 09:44

Like Jabber, I get on really really well with my mum (MIL dead) and spent every half term/ 2 weeks in hols with her and wouldn't/didn't expect and didn't ask her to get up with my very early risers. Like you OP....5.30!!! But they would take them out in the day so I could have a sleep sometimes...but again I never asked. part and parcel of parenthood I'm afraid.

ClownsLeftJokersRight · 16/03/2014 09:45

Jabber Good point. When did you ask her? I know with my own parents that they don't react well to impulsive requests and have to know WELL in advance about things. Having said that they never even have any of ours to stay anyway.

Tailtwister1 · 16/03/2014 09:47

Well, it would have been nice if she had helped just for one morning. However, YABU to expect it. It's tiring having house guests, especially young children, so she's probably more tired than usual anyway.

Your DH should be giving you more time to rest, especially since you're pregnant. Is it possible for you to have an hour or two this afternoon maybe? My PIL did that for me a couple of times and it was great. They did offer though and I certainly wouldn't have asked.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 16/03/2014 09:48

I agree with others that say those with help cannot/ do not understand. Two of my closest friends both have free help with childcare and complain a lot about GPs not babysitting or providing help as the weekend.

It sounds unreasonable to expect someone to get up with two dc if you are staying the weekend at their home. If this is the only help you have had this year, I don't think it's UR.

It's OK for you to ask and OK for her to say no. It would be lovely and supportive of her to offer a alternative assistance.

I am re- thinking the parental support I offer. I don't feel guilty, my family have been entirely my responsibility and now they are my primary concern.

bigkidsdidit · 16/03/2014 09:51

Can you not alternate lie ins? DH is asleep right now, I'll get him at 11 if he's not awake by then. Only fair, one each at the weeked

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 16/03/2014 09:51

Re those who think if you feel someone has no obligation to help you that must mean you have people who do... I dont. I have 2 children 1 with autism and one with autism and adhd so my god id have sold my soul for a full nights sleep Grin and grandparent help to date - big fat zippo
My husbands family are thousands of miles away and my parents have never been willing to be childcare.

I still believe that nobody HAS to help anyone.
If you HAD to - it would be the law, punishable by jail time . So clearly it is demonstrably untrue that gps HAVE to help.

I dont think anyone on mn has ever said that it is nice when people dont want to help
i dont think anyone on mn has ever said it would not be lovely if gps wanted to help out.
Its just that some of us feel strongly/ understand that the reality is that in terms of obligation to assist, that's running at sweet FA.
That in no way means it wouldnt be the ideal for people to WANT to.
Its just that they dont HAVE to.

BarbarianMum · 16/03/2014 09:52

Maybe she's wondering why an eight year old and a three year old need someone up with them? I know I am.

Also, hosting a family of 4 is quite hard work (presume she cooks for you etc). So she is helping.

YABU although I totally understand what a great gift it would be.

MostWicked · 16/03/2014 09:53

You dh needs to speak to his DM before your next visit

and say what? When we come to visit, you really do need to do more to help, especially on a morning so that we can have a lie in. - Really??

Asking for a hand during the day is one thing, but expecting someone to get out of bed at 6am to look after your children, is unreasonable.

If my kids got up before 7am, I took them straight back to bed.
DH used to get up with them on a Sunday, so that I could have a lie in.

It's your kids and your DH you need to expect more from.

treaclesoda · 16/03/2014 09:57

I'm one of those who said it's unreasonable to expect help, and for the record, I don't have loads of help. In our case, the grandparents are too elderly to be offering lots of help.

I'm just baffled as to why a grandparent should be under some sort of obligation to get up early etc just to let the parents have a lie in. An earlier poster said that 'its just part of being a grandparent' but the difference between being a parent and a grandparent is that the grandparent didn't choose to be a grandparent, so I don't see them as having any obligation on the childcare front.

Having said all that, it would be absolutely lovely if your MIL did want to get up early and let you lie in, and I can understand why you yearn for that, but the reality is that she just doesn't want to, and there is no real reason why she should.

girlywhirly · 16/03/2014 10:02

YANBU to think that a GP would want to spend some time with their DGC, but not all GP's are up for it. However, going to bed at 8pm seems very rude unless she is ill. Hell, you only visit her 5 times a year, you'd think she could try a little bit harder. The deal breaker for me would be if MIL made little effort with the DGC during the day, because if she was that disinterested in them I would wonder about the value of the visits for all concerned.

Perhaps go one day, stay overnight, and then travel home the next morning instead of staying a whole weekend? Break the journey somewhere fun for the DC's on that day if you don't need to go straight home. You may find this a better arrangement when the new baby is here as well.

Is your DH bothered by his DM's attitude, or does he just accept it? And could he ask her if she is ill again, because I wouldn't clear off to bed at 8pm without a good reason when I had anyone staying, and not explain. You could use this concern to raise the subject with DH quite reasonably, without causing tension, you are just concerned for her health and wellbeing. Suggest the shortened stay as a compromise, if her job is really tiring her MIL would benefit from the extra time to rest and would still have seen you all, which is the object of the visit.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/03/2014 10:05

It is reasonable to be upset that you are not getting any help

It is unreasonable to expect any help and to be angry with your MIL (if you are, and you might not be)

There is no way on gods green earth that I would get up at 5.30 to mind someone's children, didn't do it for mine

And an operation is not quite the same thing help wise

I hope you get a lie in, try getting the 8 year old to mind the 3 year old by themselves...they will probably feel so grown up

Original poster
Me23 · 16/03/2014 10:05

Wow ok a lot to think about here. Thanoyu to all those who replied. I should have worded it differently I guess I wish she would want to offer help once a year.

My 8 yr old doesn't wake at 5 she would happily sleep until 10am! My 3yr old actually turns 3 on Tuesday I don't think he should be self sufficient and left to his own devices in mil house while we sleep and I'm not going to wake his sister to look after him. My OH helps 50/50 we do normally takenitnin turns to grt up we just thought for inventor would be nice to both sleep for 1 hour while mil watches dc2 she was awake in her room already.

We are very grateful she lets us stay a few days, we do cooking, cleaning and food shopping while we are here so she is not put out too much. She works part time aswell so has not taken holiday for us.

I didn't realises I sounded entitled I was just brought up to believe family is about supporting each other occasionally.
I really for think wanting one hour in 8 years of parenting is entitled.

As others have said lots of gps help and spend time with their gps because they want to I just wishesd she would want to aswell.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 16/03/2014 10:08

I agree with you OP.

Your mil knows your mum is no longer around to help at all, and she is the only one in the position to help you out in this way.

I don't think you can say anything though, unfortunately.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 16/03/2014 10:13

YANBU my MIL is fantastic and would bend over backwards for me. Life would be a lot more difficult without her help. I fully intend to do the same when I have grandchildren.
You can expect her to help you, because you would do the same for her. It might be a different matter if you had refused help following her op.
I feel for you OP. Ignore the ones who can live a stress-free and wonderful life with zero help from anyone else. No woman is an island.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/03/2014 10:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do

And if in your original post you had said that your MIL was already awake and your 8 year old is not and you would have to wake her you would have been even less unreasonable

I do hope you get a nice lie in together, I have three and it took years to get an undisturbed one (without me yelling "stop fighting!")

Could you try a compromise, if we can get an hour together we will get out of your hair for the afternoon so you can relax/nap.....or is that bribery? Hmm

HSMMaCM · 16/03/2014 10:21

My MIL made it quite clear as soon as she knew I was expecting that she had raised her children and had no intention of raising anyone else's. She had a great relationship with DD and we all Knew where we stood.

SamandCat · 16/03/2014 10:25

Hosting a family of 4 is a lot of extra work and stress
I actually think it is downright cheeky to ask a host (especially one so much older than yourself) to get up early to deal with your own kids!!

girlywhirly · 16/03/2014 10:27

Well in light of your most recent post, definitely don't feel obliged to rush and help MIL the next time she's ill. You reap what you sow, DH can sort her out on his own. If she can't look after a child even though she was already awake, I would be re-thinking the length of visits, and also the number per year especially with the new baby.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 10:32

Ignore the ones who can live a stress-free and wonderful life with zero help from anyone else.

Never said it was stress-free. Absolutely it wasn't. But when both mother and MiL are dead and nearest family is 50 miles away with their own family, you don't get much of a choice, do you?

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 10:37

Well in light of your most recent post, definitely don't feel obliged to rush and help MIL the next time she's ill. You reap what you sow, DH can sort her out on his own.

And MiL did nothing for her own family over the years then? For her own children.

Does it have to be tit-for-tat? How do you measure what counts towards reciprocal care? Do you have a spreadsheet?

Shellywelly1973 · 16/03/2014 10:39

Yabu.

Sort the 3 year old sleeping issues - problem solved!

Cranky01 · 16/03/2014 10:40

I agree with you op, one hour really isn't that much to ask, some gp's look after their gp reculary whilst parents go to work, whilst others babysit.

One hour really wouldn't have been that much of a sacrifice. I think families are meant to support each other, but it goes both ways, not just you supporting mil