To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

[Me23]

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

I agree with the sentiment 'you reap what you sow', although I am more supportive, it is completely on my terms.

Your DH SHOULD speak to his DM; not demand, complain or tell her what to do. Not sure what is wrong with adults having a conversation. His DM may be prepared to get up with the dc if she has notice. If she makes it clear what she is or isn't prepared to do, you can plan accordingly. You may decide not to go or to only stay one night.

From my perspective, having both sets state that they aren't prepared to help, makes me feel better. Cards are on the table and a hypothetical situation that shows they are interested in ds is not going to happen. They both help siblings; our siblings can help them. I've moved on. We disagree but still get along.

Do you think you can get the 3yo to sleep later? Do you know why they wake so early?

one hour really isn't that much to ask

Actually, one hour at 5.30am is quite a lot to ask, especially of someone who is already hosting your family in their home for a few days.

One hour while you have a walk on your own or crash out on the bed after lunch for an hour is more reasonable. Why not drop a hint and see if she offers to have them while you do that instead?

I don't think yabu. I posted a similar thing recently and was totally flamed though! My ils are just the same.

Family is surely about supporting each other... If you've done stuff for her she should want to help. What annoys me is how it really would be such a small sacrifice for them to help for a few hours but it would make a big difference to you.

My GPS helped out my mum and I'll help my dds with their kids. A hell of a lot more fulfilling then endless holidays/clubs etc.

But I appear to be in a minority!

Helping out, taking kids to park, generally lending a hand- yes

Getting up at 5.30 am- no

Too early for everyone, for someone not trained in it for the past few months, may be fatal!

I suppose the problem with getting a view on a thread, or general discussion, such as this, is that without knowing the entire background to the family, the relationship, the living arrangements, any health issues etc its more or less impossible to say whether the MIL is supportive or not.

My parents don't do loads of childcare for me and they have never given me money, and frankly they weren't all that encouraging when I was younger and they damaged my confidence quite a lot. They also go on holiday quite a lot . If I started a thread with all those details and nothing else, I could easily get hundreds of people telling me that I have emotionally abusive parents, that I should stop contact with them etc. Because based on that they don't sound that great.

But I know them, I know they love me, I know they love my children, I know they would step in front of an oncoming car to save me, or my children (well, they would try to, but they're elderly and would probably be too slow) and I know that family means the world to them. They aren't perfect, they've made mistakes, and they have sometimes hurt my feelings. But no one gets it right all the time. All I know is that my children's faces light up when they see them, and my parents faces light up when they see my children, and honestly that's good enough for me.

Didn't see your thread Yorkshire.

Both sets of GPs had huge amounts of babysitting. Both DMs didn't go out out to work and so didn't need childcare support. You can't make people help if they don't want to. For me there is a consequence to that.

If you go on the sleep threads a lot of people have early risers some kids just wake up at 5:30 I'm hoping as he gets older it will change he is not yet 3 so once he is able to grasp it I will try with the gro clock. It was 6am he woke today not 5:30 mil was already awake as she gets up around 530-6am most days.

YABVU. They are your children, she's done years of early mornings, let her lay in and enjoy the freedom that her age now offers! Your chance to lay in will come quickly enough and maybe unlike your MIL you will miss these days and wish you could do them all again! Though it seems you'll get the chance when it's your turn to be the Granny as I'm sure you'll remember how entitled to a lay in your kids and their spouses are!

I can see why you want a small lie in. I can see why you think your mil could help She is already awake anyway. And yes it is nice when family support each other.

My family us like this and my intents have been helping us more time than I care to think about. But I also have never expected them to do so iyswim. Some GP decide that they don't want to be so hand on. Some GP don't want to be involved. You can find it sad, I would, but you can't expect it.

Yanbu op.

Yanbu you only visit 3 times a year or so not as if op is asking for regular childcare. Feel your pain my ils are hopeless too. We have asked for one weekend of childcare in 7 years so we could attend my sisters wedding. They agreed then pulled out due to made up reason ("we might have paperwork to do that weekend"). Late fifties retired we have 2 very easy little girls their only grandchildren. Some people are just crap sadly

Thanks marceline, agree that there are consequences.

Otoh my parents are brill so we are lucky. I try and do all I can for them and wouldn't want it any other way.

I know you can't expect help but wouldn't you think those that love you would want to offer it?

Is there a FIL? If so why can't you expect him to help equally?

YABU btw.

True. Its hurtful that they see us struggling and don't/won't help. Their lack of interest in my ds is a killer.

If mil is up anyway, it wouldn't hurt to take over for an hour. I'd be happy for 3 yo to be plonked in front of cbeebies. I get up around 6:30am no matter what and am happy for guests with dc to go back to bed.

Lack of sleep is relentlessly exhausting. Ds is a great sleeper but I remember when 4/6 hours sleep in one go felt like a spa break.

YANBU OP. My MIL thinks we go to visit her because we are fascinated by her tedious tales of everyday life in a village 3 hours from home.She shows no interest in us or DD. YANBU to hope that MIL would actually like to spend time with her GC but evidently she doesn't. She will reap what she sows in the long run and next time she needs a hand she might have to look elsewhere.

I don't think you can expect help. Nice if it's offered but if it isn't then you just get on with it. If she is cooking for you all and clearing away I think that's quite sufficient without having to be a childminder as well.

I disagree with the assumption that all gps have 'done all that' re the running around after their own dc. My parents were pretty minimal on that front and I remember going to my grandma for sleepovers many many times so that they could go out. I even had a little suitcase.

But they don't seem to want to do it and from early on when the grandchildren arrived it was tacitly understood that it wasn't really on offer.

They are however interested and loving gps on their own terms and that's the most important thing of course, but their take on it isn't quite what I thought it'd be.

It's unreasonable to ask anyone to get up at 5.30. It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask her to look after them for an hour sometime between 9 and 7, if she goes to bed at 8.

YABU.

?abu. Sorry, but you are. If you want a lie in, get you dh to get up with the kids. Gp's get to do all the nice bits without having to do any of the harder parts of parenting. If any gp offers anything over and above this then the parents

Are really lucky

Just because she's up though doesn't mean that she wants to be dealing with a youngster.

Tbh there are two of you & only one child needed getting up for!

Does she not enjoy time with her GC then?

If so, stop visiting & let husband pop there!

Or are you assuming she doesn't because she didn't want to provide early morning childcare so that you could both sleep in?

I also think that looking after kids when both parents are there is entirely different to helping her out after she'd had an op!

It always makes me chuckle to read of parents desperate for a lie in, yet they go and have more kids. Early waking goes with the territory. Duh.

expatinscotland Really? If people didn't have children because they were worried about lack of sleep the world would end.

Also, you don't get an email before conception telling you this one will be a bad sleeper. Both my Dds were (and are, she's 5mths) bad at night despite my best efforts. Severe sleep deprivation is like being very ill and I'd want to help my family if they were suffering with it.