Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

299 replies

Me23 · 16/03/2014 08:52

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

OP posts:
Tiredstilltired · 16/03/2014 15:46

I agree with yorkshiretea totally.
I have 4dc and I will be a parent for the rest of my life. I will never forget how tough the lack of sleep can be. I would hate to see any of my children struggle and if I could help out I would. That is what loving your dc is about.
My generation with working mothers, high property prices and late retirement have it much harder then the generation above.

My mil is lovely. But she had 1dc never worked and collected her pension at 60. My fil worked hard, but never lifted a finger at home and their weekends were free. There were many other families like that.
That kind of lifestyle will never happen again. The older generation should help out. I expect to help my dc out with house deposits etc, simply because my generation have made it difficult to get on the property ladder.

mumeeee · 16/03/2014 15:47

YABU. When our children were young and we stayed with my parents or in laws. We never expected them to get up with them. DH and I took it in turns. Then when the eldest was around 8 they used to either just play in their. room or go and watch telivision.

Original poster
Me23 · 16/03/2014 15:49

Oh you have to laugh really at some of these reponses!
Outraged that I asked for 1 hour of help in 8 years of having children, you say why and I'm having "more and more kids if I can't cope " please! 3 children that are wanted and I obviously am coping as I haven't had any family help for 8 years some of you are going on as if I'm expecting mil to help everyday. Once I asked once in 8 years I do not think that makes me entitled or very unreasonable.

She was awake it was 6 not 5! She is not cooking and cleaning for us we do our own in her house.

Thank you to those who understand and have replied in a more reasonable manner.

OP posts:
Tiredstilltired · 16/03/2014 15:55

Hang in there op. Deprivation of sleep is awful. And so is the feeling that nobody gives a sh**.
Yanbu to hope for a little help from your mil. Or to feel let down when it us not forthcoming. You are pregnant for gods sake!
You will know how not to be when your dc are older with their own children.
Hope you get some deserved rest soon.Thanks

susiedaisy · 16/03/2014 16:05

Yes I agree. Have a Brewand aThanks from me op. My dc are teens now and I can't get the buggers out of bed on a morning. But I can clearly remember those early morning starts 5am on a winters morning feeling sick where I was so shattered.

YorkshireTeaGold · 16/03/2014 16:07

Hope you get some rest soon op. As I said, I started a thread like this and got a very negative response!

Think a lot of people out there haven't had any help with their dcs and feel bitter which I suppose you can understand as it is tough. Must be especially hard without your dm as well. My ils are coming up this weekend and I'm averaging 4 hours sleep atm. So hard not to snap when you've seen their champagne resort pics for the 110th time while my eyelids bleed. Xxx

YorkshireTeaGold · 16/03/2014 16:13

Totally agree with tiredsotired, I'm planning how to help my little Dds already as it's become really tough out there.

Well done on getting to four, I couldn't do it again after 2 rubbish sleepers. Agree that I'll never forget how it feelsto be so tired. Hope your dc3 is a sleeper, op x

Bunbaker · 16/03/2014 16:14

"As much as I think it's great to have interested and involved grandparents, 6am starts are the parent's job, not the grandparents. That's what CBeebies is for...they watch, you snooze."

TV is a great childminder at times. When DD was little, pre CBBC days she used to watch The Hoobs on channel 4 and Milkshake on channel 5.

We also kept her up later - mainly due to needing to be in her presence 24/7 for medical reasons. As a result we managed to avoid these early morning starts.

I can sympathise with the MIL (sorry OP). One Christmas before DD was born, my sister and her young family came to stay. The children got up very early and went downstairs and made such a racket. OH and I had still been asleep. Sister and her OH stayed in bed expecting us to see to the children (she didn't even ask). Unfortunately for the children I gave them a tongue lashing for being so noisy so early. I put the TV on for them and asked them to watch it quietly. I loved having them to stay, but felt that the children weren't my responsibility at such an unearthly hour.

R2G · 16/03/2014 16:16

Unreasonable. She is hosting you all, buying all re food. Maybe if you asked her to read the bedtime story or after you put the kids to bed to go out, but why would you have an expectation of someone to get up and do the early shift?

R2G · 16/03/2014 16:18

Ps I should say I do sympathise about the tiredness and wanting a break, but perhaps you could think of a more reasonable request it's not her job xx

Bonnefoi · 16/03/2014 16:19

It's the pits when you're exhausted, period, but they're your children, not hers. She has the right to say no, or not be interested in having them one to one.

I believe you sound more tired than entitled, but you are being a bit unreasonable to be snotty about not getting help. I mean that in the nicest possible way, honestly. Thanks

Bunbaker · 16/03/2014 16:19

Can you not put the three year old to bed a little later? Or is it stating the obvious?

Gen35 · 16/03/2014 16:24

Yes, it's funny yorkshire we've had zero help from either set of gps (one set who retired in their late 40s) and I am determined it'll be different for my dc as they'll be able to rely on my help, barring unexpected illness. I can't derive any sustaining feeling of virtue from doing it without family help.

PrimalLass · 16/03/2014 16:24

I honestly don't think YABU. I am very, very lucky that we get help from both sides. I fully expect that it will be my turn one day to be a doting grandma and get up and help, just like my parents and ILs have. Passing support down the generations should be what family is about.

HollyWhiteAlwaysWearsAHat · 16/03/2014 16:25

I think YABVU to expect her to get up early to let you have a lie-in! Take them to the cinema or the park later, yes, get up early so you can stay in bed?! Ha ha. No. Hmm

bronya · 16/03/2014 16:28

I don't understand grandparents who insist you go visit, then don't want to do anything with the grandchildren! My MIL has mobility problems, but always plays as much as she can with all her grandchildren, and when we're at hers, we hardly have to entertain my son at all.

AnotherFurry · 16/03/2014 16:29

Sorry OP but yabu.

I don't really get all this 'family should help out'. Yes it is nice if people whether family or friends help out but really only you and your DH were involved in the decision to have children or not so it ultimately falls to both of you to look after them and if your mil doesn't fancy getting up early then she is perfectly entitled to turn down your request. Surely answering no to your request is better than doing it and being resentful. Oh and you said she is only 60 we'll I know I find things more tiring as I get older and I am no where near that age so yabvu to assume she can cope with early mornings just because she still works.

Original poster
Me23 · 16/03/2014 16:32

There's no way she would take them out to park or anywhere else on her own so this is only thing we could ask of her. We didn't ask her to get up early btw she was up always wakes at 5:30-6.

OP posts:
CoolJazz · 16/03/2014 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucylouby · 16/03/2014 16:33

Op, YANBU. It is hard bringing up children with no family help. I had no help until we moved back to our families when our eldest of three was five. I look back and wonder how I did it. Wehave so much support now and life is so much easier, knowing that I can just ask for help when I need it. Could you ask mil to have the children for an afternoon so you can go out, just you and dp for a couple of hours? My mum never wanted to get Up early in the morning, but was quite happy to have the dc for the day for us.

Rockdoctor · 16/03/2014 16:35

OK, sorry if this has been said before. My mum goes out of her way to help with the DCs when we're with her, but since menopause she has really struggled to get a decent night's sleep, so I would never expect her to get up and entertain the kids. She's up most mornings at 6 but only because she had been awake since 4 or 4.30 and doesn't want to disturb us.

Having said that, she is more than happy to take them for an hour or two during the day or to babysit if we want to go out for an evening (she can manage the odd late night but mornings are tough for her). Perhaps your MIL has something similar...

whatever5 · 16/03/2014 16:42

YANBU. I think that your MIL is really mean to refuse to help you if you are both really tired. It's not as if it is likely to happen again as probably by the next time you visit your 3 year old will have stopped waking up so early. I would do this for a friend let alone my son/DIL and I am probably less healthy than your an 60 year old.

whatever5 · 16/03/2014 16:42

an average

dancingnancy · 16/03/2014 16:57

YANBU to hope for a little help but I couldn't imagine asking any of the Gp's to get up that early so that we can lie in bed - just can't imagine how that conversation actaly goes. You and your OH should take turns. If they offer, lovely but I couldn't ask - I think that's really strange. At 8 and 3 though, can't yoput the TV on for them, get a blanket and ask the 8 yr old to come get you if anything comes up?

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 17:03

Also (I have a bit of a theory about this) lots of gps are very much from the baby boomer generation. They expect lots of leisure time, paid for by low house prices/big pensions etc. They grew up when society and structures were being challenged and social duty wasn't agiven.

Social duty wasn't a given?? What exactly to you mean by that?

I will point out that actually we give our DC lots of help and support, in many ways, but the entitlement on this thread is mind-boggling.

As to leisure time - I wish I had more! Though clearly after working for 44 years and bringing up my children, I don't deserve it!

Swipe left for the next trending thread