to send home this boy's treats?

[manicinsomniac]

A child in my class had a birthday today. They brought in treats to give to the class but said that they didn't want X to have one as 'we don't get on and aren't really friends.'

Stupidly, I said 'No, sorry, you have to share with everybody in the class or else you'll have to take them home and nobody gets one ' I thought a threat like that would instantly make the child say they would share. It didn't, they said 'ok, I'll take them home'. So I had no choice but to follow through with it and the treats are still in my desk drawer!

Now I am terrified of facing this child's mum at home time and admitting what I did. I have 10 minutes! She has wasted her money now.

As a parent would you be angry at me or your child?

I'm also worried that the child the birthday child wanted to leave out will get the blame from the class for nobody getting treats rather than the birthday boy.

The mother is being an arse. You handled it perfectly in my opinion. You gave the boy a chance to change his mind, which he didn't do.

The mother should have backed you up completely, not in the half-arsed, passive aggressive way that she did.

Our school has a policy that unless invites are going out to the whole class the teacher will not hand them out. quite right too.
My Dd is 10 and on her birthday I sent a cake in that was cut up and a piece given to each child, this happens often in our school. And you did the exact right thing OP.

I'm not sure if everyone bashing the mother realises that the highlighted text in the OP's post was not the actual mother's response but another poster's comment earlier in the thread.

The OP says the parent agreed with her actions but thought she could have handled it better. The OP acknowledges that. I don't think the parent is unreasonable to make the comment as it was not in front of the child. The parent has agreed a plan of action with the teacher so it's not as if she is not being supportive.

I don't think the OP handled it badly at all. Not when the child is 10-11 years old and had other chances to see the light.

I think the OP should push for an announcement in this week's newsletter.

'Please note that it is not the responsibility of teachers to hand out any treats for birthdays. Please make arrangements to distribute these after school'.

I think that should be a policy for every school, don't you Sparklin?

The mum sounds like a cheeky cow. It's your class and you were completely right not to get involved in this child's manipulative bullying behaviour- you had no way of knowing whether his mother was involved or not. Also what 11 year olds call their mother 'mummy' anyway? She sounds very out of touch with her own child.

You did the right thing!

Goodd on uyou.

I really don't see how the OP handled it badly either, tbh. The child was mean, the OP have the child the opportunity to be less mean, child declined to be less of a brat. What else was OP meant to do that would have handled it better?
The ONLY reason a child of that age would want to leave out just one other child is to make it clear they didn't like the other child publicly, that's bullying and the OP can't allow that.
If there is a history of issues between the two children this is not the way to deal with it.

That's a really good idea, sparklingbrook.

susyot Sat 15-Mar-14 09:15:49
"I'm not sure if everyone bashing the mother realises that the highlighted text in the OP's post was not the actual mother's response but another poster's comment earlier in the thread.

The OP says the parent agreed with her actions but thought she could have handled it better. The OP acknowledges that. I don't think the parent is unreasonable to make the comment as it was not in front of the child. The parent has agreed a plan of action with the teacher so it's not as if she is not being supportive"

I still don't see why the parent should have had any opinion about how the teacher treated a clear discipline issue (trying to exclude another pupil in public) which took place in her classroom.

These children will soon be old enough to go to secondary school. It is not reasonable to expect teachers never to try to teach them manners without first checking with the parent how their delicate little flower should be handled.

I think the OP is far too kind acknowledging she could have handled it better- I really don't think she could.

Hazchem: "I'm quite worried about this class cake/treat thing. we just don't have the money to send in cake for his class"

Don't worry - many more children/parents pull this kind of stunt and schools will lose patience and start banning the whole (lovely, imo) idea. It's already a bit of a headache with allergies.

Am at the teacher who allowed a parent in the classroom at registration to help hand out invitations for selected children. Wouldn't happen at my school - our policy is that parents leave their kids on the playground, we lead them in and the door is firmly shut. I did turn round a few weeks ago and see one mum (not sure how she got in - think a child opened the door again for her) dart in and give her child extra farewell hugs and kisses (they're 9 yo). I think the expression on my face has deterred her from doing it again.

dellybobs Sat 15-Mar-14 07:09:54
"bobot that's what I was trying to say just not as well.

People stating this child is awful for not wanting to give one child them are being harsh on the child themselves.

There's no denying the op did the right thing in not letting him give them out but the child is allowed an option."

Would you still be saying that if it was your child who was the one left out in front of the whole class "because I don't really like you"?

We don't even know if the other child had bullied the treat-giver: note that the treat-giver himself never claimed he had! (we aren't really friends)

But it's easy to see how this behaviour, if allowed, could become the perfect tool for future bullies.

School isn't just an extension of a child's home where they can behave in any way they please. It is a place which has to ensure that nobody feels excluded. All the time, every day. Because children who feel excluded will not learn. Therefore they cannot allow behaviour that involves public exclusion.

A child of 10 is quite old enough to understand that if for some reason you cannot give a treat to one other child, then you can't hand them out in full view to the other 29. The solution is to say to your mother "actually, I don't want to take treats into school because it would be awkward- I'll just pop round after school and give them to my mates".

A child this age who doesn't understand this (and has no learning difficulties) must have been very badly taught. It is a parent's responsibility to teach their child to negotiate these social situations.

Wow-what a little brat the child sounds like?

I don't see the problem with children handing out treats at the end of the school day, in all the years I've been involved with primary schools it's never been a problem and I've always known children to do this until they leave year six.

The OP has had a minor issue to deal with because of it and has dealt with it well, but I doubt this is a regular thing.

It's just a nice thing that children usually enjoy.

I agree with you WooWooOwl. It should be, and is, a nice thing to do.
But it often happens that such practices get spoiled by a few. We've had parents demand it is stopped due to expense, contravening our 'healthy eating' policy and the allergies of a few. We've found ways round that last one, by way of a secret supply of 'safe' treats for those children - although some parents object to that too, as their child's treat is different from everyone else's so they want nobody to have them.

Yes, it may be true that the child in the OP's case had been bullied by a child in his class (hence his request to exclude him) but there is no way the teacher can collude with excluding him from a birthday treat in this way. Any perceived or alleged bullying in class needs to be dealt with in a separate way.

Teachers have enough to do without having to faff about with birthday treat stuff IMO.
Poor OP is now worrying, and it's nothing to do with her teaching.

Ah, but there's sweets involved, here, sparkling. We can always make an exception for sweets, as long as there are enough for us too, just not birthday invitations.

Mmmm. I think the aggro involved outweights the sweetie bonus in this case clam.

Tbh I think you have more to worry about re posting her child's behaviour problem all over a popular parenting site - if she reads this, or none of her friends or family, you are going to have some explaining to do.

You absolutely did the right thing.

Agrees with sparklingbrook

God I would hate to be a teacher. So much politics and bullshit from parents these days!

OP I think you handled it well, the mother ws rude, you should have responded with "My classroom, my rules! Begone with you snotty child and bad attitude!"

and that is why I am not in a people facing job!

God I would hate to be a teacher

So would I.

Oops!

You definitely did the right thing.It's everyone or no-one for birthday treats.

I think the mother is a cheeky mare and you handled it well. I'm also that we're talking about 10/11-year-olds! I was imagining a class of kids of about seven.