to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

Happiest day of my life when my parents broke up, everyone is much happier now. It would have really hurt me if they stayed together as I knew they didn't love each other, I would have blamed myself for their unhappiness.

sounds like a Daily Mail 'journo' doing some very lazy "research"

YABU. I used to beg my mum to leave my dad so I wouldn't have to hear him raping her anymore. Divorce would have been a lot easier on all of us but my mum thought she had to stick it out to give us a secure home

I agree the mental effects and stress on children is greatly underestimated - too much 'they'll be fine, children are sooo adaptable' etc.

Does that mean adults shouldn't get divorced or should stay in unhappy or abusive relationships? Of course not, it means the process of divorce should be managed better to minimise the impact on the children.

Being the only child with married parents on a college course..its not like this everywhere...single parents and remarriages not the norm where I am. Sadly it is impossible to protect children from the realities of modern life, adults get things wrong, and we all have to be able to deal with life not being ideal. People are abusive, partners hope it will stop, they want to give the abuser a chance...and will do so time and time again..children come along. It not like children are still forced into workhouses or mills. Accept that families come in different shapes and sizes..its OK to mess up...and it is great if a SP can parent in a positive way..

No I have not disappeared. Just went to bed and got up and had to get my DC to school, go shopping, tidy up etc.

It's all too easy to say that the DC suffer more when the parents are in an unhappy relationship, perhaps if the parents worked on being adults then the DCs would not suffer from being brought up in a 'toxic' atmosphere.

People who wish their parents had split up but didn't until they were adults, well you don't actually know that this would have been better or how you would coped as a child, do you?

I have 'fallen out of love' with DH hundreds of times. It's all peaks and troughs IME. Sticking with it and working it out are just part and parcel of committing to a relationship and the children created from that relationship. I don't think it's particularly damaging for DC to be aware that their parents are not happy with each other from time to time, as long as they are working through it. All DC are bothered about really is that their parents are there for THEM which is only natural.

Shakin I have not seen your thread.

I was commenting on the sheer scale of separated parents/families when I mentioned my DD's peers. This is not unusual as a large proportion of my 12 year old DSs friend's parents are also separated/divorced. It is sad and those children are affected.

A thread so important it had to be posted at midnight.

You're lucky OP to never have to discover how hard divorce and unhappy relationships can be.

t's all too easy to say that the DC suffer more when the parents are in an unhappy relationship, perhaps if the parents worked on being adults then the DCs would not suffer from being brought up in a 'toxic' atmosphere

ODFOD you absolutely have no fucking idea what your talking about. Good for you that you can muddle through it.

Should the muddle through infidelity, DV,EA too?

Martyr badge for insanity

It's all too easy to say that the DC suffer more when the parents are in an unhappy relationship, perhaps if the parents worked on being adults then the DCs would not suffer from being brought up in a 'toxic' atmosphere

Fucking hell. You have absolutely no idea. Lucky you eh.

So it's neither a reverse AIBU or an essay.

You actually believe this shit?

Okaaaaay.

I shall remove my benefit of the doubt hat.

I agree it is under estimated.

as an adult with my own DC I understand that you can not always stay together. However, I do feel that they both could have tried harder and now I do not talk to my mother about my relationship because she will always tell me to just leave.
In some circumstances there is no other option than to leave and it is the right thing to do sometimes by the DC aswell. But other than that I think you have to try as hard as you can as parents and if it doesn't work it doesn't, but I think some people throw in the towel far too quickly without thinking about the long term effects on their DC. I do think I stay longer and work harder sometimes through fear of having a broken family and not wanting DC to have the same experiences I did and I don't really see that as a bad thing.
My parents divorce really effected me but I did not realise how much it had done until I had my own DC. It effects my parenting, my relationship, my ideas on love, my plans, etc. Now when I see my father everytime we leave I will go home and sob - I do not even know why - it's just something I've done since I was younger and as an adult I still feel that sadness when I say goodbye now. My best friend is also exactly the same with her father and will cry when she says goodbye.

My parents split when I was four and one of my first memories is of them siting us down and telling us they were going to be living in separate houses from then on.

There has been lots of other men and women come in and out of my life as well as marriages and moves and neither of my parents settled until I was 20. I find it really difficult as an adult to stay contented - I am always wanting change, to move, to change jobs, etc I am trying really hard to learn how to settle for the sake and stability of my own DC.

I hope though that all the victims of emotional and physical abuse are taking on board that if only they'd tried harder to fall back in love with Daddy.......

Like I said, watch that hubris. Nasty habit it has of coming back and biting you on the bum.

It's all too easy to say that the DC suffer more when the parents are in an unhappy relationship, perhaps if the parents worked on being adults then the DCs would not suffer from being brought up in a 'toxic' atmosphere

Did you read my post?

its all BS op s jump pumping for info

I decided my DCs mental health would be better if they did not have to witness their father deteriorating rapidly into alcoholism and many suicide attempts. He tried to run me over with our 4x4 when I tried to stop him driving under a cocktail of prescription drugs and alcohol on Christmas Eve.

It's not been easy for them as 2 years on and aged 7 and 4 they have a limited understanding of the reasons for our divorce.

He is now sober and in a relationship and sees them for a day once a fortnight. I have bent over backwards to ensure they continue to see him. This includes welcoming his new partner into our home, calling him frequently and actively making the contact happen.

To the outside world I am sure it looks like I left him and that I am the guilty party. A few of the happy marrieds at school stopped speaking to me after we split. I'm thankful. It's always good to know who your real friends are.

I date occasionally but I'm not sure my boys would benefit from being without a male role model. I'm pretty sure that they'd like me to remarry, particularly if he was a football playing Minecraft addict. Until then I do my best to keep life as normal as possible.

It certainly isn't the easy option being a lone parent. It was flipping hard this week when my younger son had an operation. But it would have been harder for us all to be living with an alcoholic.

I think most couples try very hard before reaching the point where they feel they can no longer be together. I think that when couples split it is because it is the only thing left. I don't think it is normally done easily or for trivial reasons. I have been married now for 16 years and probably should have left 100 times over, so I know about staying! But I still think people have the right to want to be happy and if that means leaving, then they have the right to leave.

Certainly if you are hit or abused in any other way, then you should not feel you have to work at it 'like an adult' and I hope that you totally exclude all forms of abuse from your 'stay together for the kids regardless your unhappiness' pov and you didn't actually mean to suggest that if you set up home with someone who turned out to be abusive, you should just put up with it because you ought to have known they would turn out to abuse you.

But even if there is no abuse, even if the parents can function together, what kind of life is it? When you don't love each other? You're in the same house, being civil to each other. No sex, no cuddles, no intimacy, nothing but domestic tasks and niceness for the kids sake. That kind of life is horrible, empty and unsustainable and I think the unhappiness that would result from it would certainly affect the children. In time they'd be left living with miserable parents who struggled to not let their unhappiness spill out onto the kids. How is that better?

What kind of life is that for anyone ? Apart from anything else, what kind of template for relationships are you giving your children if you stay with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you and commit to a miserable life because you feel obliged to give your children two parents under one roof?

Insanity you are so far up your own arse you can't even see what goes on in the real world.

Enjoy life in your smug little bubble, I sincerely hope it works out for you.

I completely agree with you OP.
We have become a very selfish species, where our feelings override others, include our own children.
I know that there are circumstances where separation is the only way out, the problem is that separation is now becoming the norm. Which is just not right.
I also agree, before actually having children, chose your partner with open eyes.

I think it's how people divorce that is key - mine were vile when splitting up and it did affect us. Friends now in this situation seem to handle it much better - pos because it is less taboo

many abusive men don't show their true colours until you are pregnant or have given birth

I am also sure most women would not choose a partner who would be unfaithful, have alcohol, drug, anger issues. sadly lots of these flaws are not apparent when you first meet someone.

Anyway OP aren't you lucky that you are perfect and have a wonderful relationship. Aren't us single parents stupid to choose abusive, unfaithful men huh?

To add to my post. MN is a perfect place that proves people are quick to decide and encourage people to separate. "He isn't doing his fair share of housework and he went to football last week when DC was poorly" the typical
Response is LTB. These are tiny issues in the grand scheme of your children's future, these problems can be worked through with some effort and commitment to each other.

Why did you and mummy break up? Oh because daddy went to football and wouldn't take the bins out.

Domestic violence obviously means you should split I don't think anyone is encouraging people to stick together through that.

Do you think that anyone in the entire history of mumsnet has ever actually left their partner over something so trivial because some random on the net told them to?

I would only believe that has ever happened if someone who actually did it came on the thread and said yes, my husband was lovely but he didn't take the bins out and I left him cos mn told me to.

Oh and if it makes things any better I do not have a perfect relationship. My partner had been unfaithful on more than one occasion. It was bloody difficult and broke my heart. But we worked through it and are happier than when we first met. I understand this isn't the case for everyone and sometimes things don't work out how matter how much you try what I am trying to say is too
Many people just don't try in the first place.

I am just saying the examples of people saying leave the bastard are rediculous. I'm not saying anyone has I just said it proves how many people encourage separation. Yes you may have a newborn and he isn't helping out as much as he should be, he's in the wrong. But it's not something that cannot be worked on. That should be the response

I don't think that DC always suffer from divorce - on the contrary, living in a very dysfunctional family set up can be noxious in the extreme and divorce can alleviate the situation. I know many adults who wished their parents had divorced sooner rather than later.

Of course, every child would prefer to have parents that get on and live together. But if parents don't get on, is it really better for them to carry on living together? I am not at all sure it is.