to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

[NurseyWursey]

What's more damaging - children seeing their parents happy with other people or growing up with their parents resenting each other, with the possibility of domestic abuse and a hostile environment

There's actually nothing worse as a child as when your parents are constantly arguing. It's frightening. Sometimes it's a relief when they decide to throw in the towel.

[NurseyWursey]

And I think this 'ticking time bomb' stuff is nonsense. There are many more issues likely to effect mental health in the larger society as a whole.

[BitchPeas]

Totally ridiculous sweeping judgemental OP.

Sometimes kids get caught in the cross fire
Sometimes they don't
Sometimes kids grow up miserable because their parents are miserable together
Sometimes they don't
Sometimes kids are happy with DSF/DSM/DSSs
Sometimes they aren't

Mental illness can happen to anyone.

Life can happen to anyone

Ffs

[missingmumxox]

You sound like a journalist?

[wobblyweebles]

SallyMcgally yes I do get on well with both stepparents. We had our ups and downs during my teen years but they always just felt like extra parents to me.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Is it only the 'happiness' or adults being 'happy' that gets put in little 'PA' quotation marks. Having happy parents helps children see what happiness and good relationships look like. Staying in a miserable relationship for duty isn't fantastic modeling.

If you are staying in an 'unhappy' 'marriage' your children might see that as normal and recreate it.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Living in an unhappy home is less under estimated these days and that's a good thing.

My parents showed me everyday for 18 years how to destroy and hate the people you are supposed to love and have support from.

I learnt that it was all my fault. I learnt how two people can emotionally, physically, financially abuse each other. And how unstable and perilous every day can be. I learnt that fear is my default emotion. And that presence and lying is the only way to get through life.

My parents are very proud of 'staying together for the sake of the childreb', which is what you seem to advocate. There are more ways than one to damage a young and vulnerable child. I think you haven't thought through your argument.

[innisglas]

My parents separated when I was four and my father emigrated. The only problem that caused me as a child was not having a car and not being able to play my parents off against each other, as my friends did. When I finally got to know my father I realised how lucky I was that my parents had separated.

I am a Muslim and muslims, though usually lovely and loving parents, don't believe in the need for perfect childhoods because Mohammed, SAW, was an orphan who went from pillar to post, first to his grandfather who then died, etc. etc.

[redcaryellowcar]

My parents are divorced, did so when i was about 5, luckily they had the good sense to do it as pleasantly as possible. I don't have memories if them arguing or even know the reasons they divorced and would rather not!
I can't see now that they are very different people and are both now remarried to people they are much better suited to.and esp with my dstep dad i am lucky to have him in my life as he is a brilliant person.
I have an aunt and uncle who divorced when my cousins were 18+ and i think they took utter much harder than my dsis and me.
I honestly hope that my dh and i will stay together as would rather my lovely dcs had us together, but we won't stay together just because the children. We will stay together because we get on, love each other and hopefully for the rest of our days fancy the pants off each other!

[SunnySon]

My parents divorced in my teens, best thing that happened to our family I only wish they had done it years earlier. They separated countless times before that only to give it another go 'for the sake of the children'.

After their divorce myself and my siblings lived in a peaceful house with our mother and spent time with our dad at the weekend and some evenings, we got to spend time with two happy parents, separately.

Before that I used to walk home from school with my stomach churning 'would they be fighting today again?' Could never invite friends over because they could sense the atmosphere, was permanently anxious about doing the wrong thing and being the cause of another argument.

One positive is that I would never, never let my children grow up in a house like that, I got to know my husband for a long time before we married and I am 100% confident that we'll be together for the rest of our lives... However I hope I never turn into someone as smug as yourself. Well done for being happily married, some people don't realise what their partner is really like until they are married. Luckily, the old 'you've made your bed, you can lie in it' mentality only remains in a few minds these days.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

YANBU. The impact of parental separation on children is seriously underestimated and many adults have urealistic expectations about children's acceptance of new family arrangements.

But I disagree with your point about abusive relationships. These situations can creep up on you. It's not always possible to know what someone is like and victims of abusive partners can have very limited control over their life choices. These people (usually mothers) need a great deal of support. An abusive home is more damaging for a child than a "broken" home IMHO.

But outside of that yes, I think breaking up when you have children is terribly serious and people often have inadequate considerations to the well being of their children and put a new relationship as a priority, sometimes becoming blind to their DCs needs or feelings in the meantime.
But it's complicated. So difficult to generalise.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Relationships are not easy. I think there should be more support available to help couples with their issues.
Good couple's counselling would help a great deal of ppl IMO.
Obviously this doesn't apply to domestic abuse situations. But sometimes ppl who have a good relationship can be derailed by the stresses of daily life/ parenting etc. better availability and acceptance of counselling could help many people.

[Squeegle]

Insanity, I have read some of your other posts, and I can see you're not smug at all and have a lot of pain left from your own childhood.

But I think that it's not the divorce itself that causes this pain it's parents who are either highly selfish or highly troubled. My exP had a terrible childhood- his mother was very abusive to him, she was schizophrenic and sectioned several times. His father was an alcoholic who eventually took his own life.

My exP has been troubled and had problems with alcohol all his life. And yet his parents were together and didn't get divorced. Me and him split up when his drinking became impossible to deal with. I had to do it for the kids if not for me.

So, while I understand where you're coming from- I think your conclusion is wrong! Parents, yes, they do have the capacity to mess up their children- but it's not about whether they divorce or not.

[LittleMissDisorganized]

I think it's probably similar in terms of effect to the death of a parent, but with both parents still alive, they have the ability in a good separation to lessen the blow, or by letting the children see things they shouldn't (from bitterness to abuse and everything between) make it worse. Losing someone who is still alive is a complex grief at any age, and IMO inadequately understood in children.
Yes I think the trauma is huge - but I agree that the trauma of 'living in a warzone' in your own home is also filled with damaging potential.

[summermovedon]

Badly phrased OP, either you are trying to start a debate with one side of a discussion, or you are trying to lay the guilt strongly on to lone parents/people in horrible relationships that are thinking of getting out.

I can tell you the effects of being raised in a household with an alcoholic father with mental health issues would be far more destructive for children in terms of their mental health in the future. Sit in on any Al Anon meeting and talk to children of alcoholics and see what they have to say.

In terms of why the hell did you have children in that situation, well, people change, things develop. People pretend to be something they aren't and then change when children arrive. Or what was normal behaviour judged by society when you are 20 and carefree, becomes abnormal as an adult with responsibilities.

[summermovedon]

I also don't think that the trauma has to be huge for children in separated families, it depends on the behaviour of one or both parents. You can protect them. And in some cases separation lessens of a trauma for them, and makes them calm and happy.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

It depends on how maturely the adults deal with it and present it to the children doesn't it?

I'd watch out for that hubris of yours as well, OP. I have taught teenagers for the past 20 years, and I'd say the screwed up ones (I currently have 3 with relatives in prison, and 4 girls who cut themselves) are 75% from naice married family units, and 25% from divorced parents. My 7 up there all have married parents except 1.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

from me too Shakin. Hope you all come through it OK. I'm sure you will, though it will be tough. x

[Albertatata]

I think it would be far worse to be a child in a family where the parents don't get on and are 'staying together for the kids'

[BoomBoomsCousin]

The negative impact on children from divorced families stems from two main causes - parental conflict and poverty. Of these only poverty is mitigated by staying together. Parental conflict would be exacerbated.

Growing up I was the only person in my school class from a single parent family, bytes the time I left university the vast majority of my school friends' parents had separated. Lots of staying together for the children. Many of their children don't thank them for it. The stories they have of rows or months of silent treatment or ongoing and obvious affairs is quite horrifying. The selfish behaviour their parents exhibited trying to make an unhappy marriage livable is sometimes shocking from the outside.

While it would be brilliant if people could recognise an abusive partner and get out before kids, for those that don't they must get out when they can. Bringing kids up in an abusive household is itself child abuse. Suggesting in any way that it is better to stay once you have kids is appalling.

I do think children are better off in a happy home with two parents rather than one. But they are better of in a happy home.

[myitchybeaver]

I completely agree with you. Lots of people banging on about DV but in truth the vast majority of relationship break ups and divorces are through adultery and irreconcilable differences.

People are too selfish. The pendulum has swung too far from being trapped in your circumstances maybe only 40 years ago to being able to walk away without a care in the world today.

Children are the innocent victims. Very sad.

[Sicaq]

I don't think parents should stay together for the "sake of the children"; that's what mine did and it was utterly miserable for all of us.

But I also think it must be really hard on children who are part of 50% custody, and are being shunted from house to house every single week - I think children need a base to call home. Fine to visit the other parent, but psychologically I think you need one place that is irrevocably "home".

Howto solve that without being unfair to either parent, I have no idea.

[Ledkr]

I agree divorce has a negative effect on children but so do many things in life.
As parents we can't protect our children from bad things happening, our job as parents is to guide them through it thus giving them coping strategies for their whole life.
If you do that then the effects should only be short term.
I've been divorced but I've also had cancer and it's vile treatment and effects.
I couldn't protect my dc from any of those things only do the best to support them to cope with them.
They seem pretty ok.
Your dd may be at a disadvantage having been parented by someone who is so smug and idealistic to be fair.
I hope if things ever get tough for her she feels she can tell you.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

Oh yes, how terrible of grown adults to want to be happy. Chuh! That's not in the rulebook is it? All this walking away from unhappiness.

They'll be actually having a life next, damn 'em all. Who do they think they are huh?

[ithaka]

I do think there is a tendency to underestimate the long term upset divorce causes for children. It is a natural survival mechanism for parents - who would want to admit to themselves that they are taking an action that, whilst making them happier, may have long term negative consequences for their children?

My parents divorce affected me profoundly and led to a number of poor decisions as an adult. I am so grateful I met my lovely husband relatively young & he could help me create the secure home that I lacked.

My mum will always minimise the impact of the divorce on us (my father didn't - it was my mum who left). But it never goes away - even now, when my lovely dad died, I wasn't involved in planning his funeral/sorting through his things - that was his wife's role. New people are brought into your life & you are expected to accept and like them - but they may not be the sort of people you would ever choose to spend time with, but they are thrust upon you and you are given no choice.

Divorce really, truly, sucks for children. That does not mean you should never have one. But please, for the sake of your children, go into it with your eyes open and accept the hurt it is causing them, do not try to minimise it to protect yourself. And that hurt can last for years, it is not over in accordance with the parents timetable.