to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

I think what the "the country's going to the dogs, no-one works hard enough at marriage any more" brigade are missing is this: no-one goes into marriage with the intention of getting divorced just for the hell of it a few years (or several decades) later. But in the absence of a crystal ball/the gift of presience, sometimes marriages don't work out - either disasterously (for e.g. where one partner turns out to be abusive or a cheat) or just quietly (and hopefully on fairly civilized terms). But the thing is by the time you're in a situation where you're actually asking "divorce or stay together for the sake of the children" your marriage is in pretty deep shit, and (from the point of view of the children, probably already pretty painful - whether it's putting up with humungous rows or just a frosty atmosphere of barely supressed dislike) the best you can hope for is to try to make things as civilized and amicable for them as possible. People have posted on this thread from both extremes, saying "my parents' divorce, even though civilized, cut me to the quick" and also "my parents' unhappy marriage left me totally screwed up and I wish they'd divorced earlier."

To add to the "anecdata", I think my mum's divorce from her first husband did screw up my half-sister (hecenforth DSis - 'cos that's how I thought of her - the qualifier of "half-sister" is here for accuracy) -but I don't think for a moment that my DSis, as an adult, would have wanted my mum to stay in an abusive marriage, and arguably it's impossible to separate the effects of the divorce from his nasty, manipulative behaviour after the event (disney dad turned up to number 11, till eventually my DSis went to live with him, at which point he showed his true colours - she returned as a teenager after he hit her).

I suppose my hunch is that where one partner is really unpleasant, you won't be able to completely protect your children from their nastiness, either within marriage or outside of it - but I'd guess that a little bit of nastiness every other weekend is far preferrable to ongoing manipulative nastiness every day of every week.

Cross post with Red - by the way I should point out that I should have differentiated the "suck it up" brigade from those asking perfectly valid questions about the pain divorce causes children and whether there are strategies to minimize that - and top of my list would be both parents behaving like adults. Unfortunately often marriages fail precisely because one of the "adults" refuses to behave as such.

and top of my list would be both parents behaving like adults. Unfortunately often marriages fail precisely because one of the "adults" refuses to behave as such.

I completely agree and that is when a child ideally Needs to be offered counselling it is rare when a separation is amicable and mature.

There are as many different types of divorced parents as married ones I think it's hard to generalise. Certainly as one who has offered dcs counselling many times (and one dc had it) and bought lots of books, initiated conversations about it, not introduced any new partners despite being single for many years and tried to give my dcs as normal a family experience as I can in the circumstances, it doesn't stop other people from judging me