to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

I spent 30 years married to a very selfish man who had no interest in his DCs and still hasn't.

I stayed in the marriage, always putting myself last, put up with his numerous affairs, his drug taking and drinking.

I always thought it would get better, but it didn't.

My DCs tell me I should have left him years ago.
He left me for an alcoholic.

I met him when I was 18, married at 20.
I had no idea that he would have no interest in his DCs when I married him.

TBH I think you are being naive and verging on offensive.

MY DD has just left her abusive STBXH. She has put up with his bad behaviour for years.

She was working upto 80 hours a week because he couldn't be bothered to get out of bed to go to work.
He did not behave like that when they first met.

I sincerely hope that your DD does not find herself in an abusive marriage.
If she does then you may change your point of view.

I thought I had stumbled onto a daily mail article in the making:)

Its not the divorce that fucks them up, its the home environment before, hopefully better after, though possibly not materially depending on wants and needs. And if course the actions and parenting after. And the personality of the dc and how they cope with change.

Its the hope that your partner will be a good man or woman which is the risk. No one can see into the future, but you get plenty of clues as your marriage rolls on.

Thankfully marriage is now seen more as a contract than " in the eyes of God" and able to be broken. People unhappily married can leave if they wish. You only get one life. Its not a dress rehearsal.

It would be nice to think that with a bit of counselling, a couple of weekends away and a good chat about the dc and effects on them would repair marriages but it doesn't in most cases where there is trouble or love has flown out of the window. Or both.

And as for staying single " for the children" - well, that's another sacrifice isn't it? Are you suggesting that for both parties op, or just the one with the dc? Again, its how its handled, not the idea of it.

Interesting though, do you have a particular example op, you were thinking if when you started this thread?

Sometimes a sad lonely parent is detrimental to a child though.

My xh had an affair and left us all. He has gone on to live with and have three children with his new dp.

I was on my own but ok for a while before I met my dh.

Yes it's tough on the kids but I'm pretty sure as time went by it would have made it hard for them to go to x and his new family knowing I was at home by myself.

I remember feeling sorry for my mum as she lived alone and always seems so sad while my dad had his new wife.
My mum was unfortunately very bitter which impacted on me far more than the actual divorce I feel.

Completely agree with jinsei that children can be far more damaged by living in a house with feuding parents. My DCs were just 3 & 5 when me and exH split. I am now happily remarried to a man the DCs adore, I have a great relationship with exH, as do the children and our household is now a happy, relaxed one as opposed to previously being miserable, tense and unenjoyable. I know this is not always the case but neither is it always the case that DCs are damaged by their parents divorce.

People are different, families are different - there are some that split up amicably and some that stay together acrimoniously and no doubt cause more damage.

Having considered leaving my marriage a few years ago I can assure you I in no way underestimated the possible distress it could have caused my DD. I had a friend going through a separation at the time and saw the impact on her children - thankfully we both managed to sort our relationships out and are still with our DH's. A third friend is now divorced and she and her girls are 100â?? happier than they were when her H was around.

I went to a funeral last week. The son of the deceased has a 19yo with his first partner, and two younger children with his second (who he is no longer with). They couldn't have been more supportive to one another - the mums and kids all get on with each other and with dad. It's probably not an ideal situation in a perfect world but seeing how close they all were was very moving.

You simply cannot judge all people by the same standards.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view

/\ That paragraph made me feel sick to be honest - nothing like blaming the poor woman. What a horrible, horrible view to have.

Anyway.....

My parents split up when I was 5 and my sister was 6 and we are both fine - no emotional trauma here. We accepted new partners over the years with no problems and I have never felt anger or upset about the way their marriage and my childhood turned out. We have nothing but fond memories of our childhood/youth and our parents have always remained friends.

My sister on the other hand stayed with an absolute twat for the sake of their children and it was the worst thing she did. It resulted in the children being effected in awful ways to the point that social services had to get involved - my sister also ended up in a very bad place. Thankfully, she left him earlier this year (after 10 years together) and the improvement in her and the children is immeasurable. Leaving him was the best thing she did.

Every situation is different and I definitely don't think that couples should stay together just because there are children. In my opinion, raising children in unsuitable environments is far more damaging than parental divorce/separation in the long-term.

As a teacher, I've tended to find that it's how the adults manage the relationship after the break up that counts, and I've seen some fantastic parenting by separated couples on behalf of their children that far surpasses that from other couples that are still together.
Staying together certainly isn't a guarantee that your children's lives will turn out wonderfully, and free from mental health issues or poor relationships in their futures. But if they know that come what may, you love them, care for them and will always do what you can, it gives them a branch to cling onto as they rush down the river.
But that love is not determined by whether you are still with their birth parent or not, it's between you and your child.

OP - what is your intention in starting this thread?

Sorry ,but I don't agree at all. Life for me would've been better if my parents divorced ,and I know a few friends when I was younger who were genuinely indifferent to having two seperate families.

My partner has 4 children from a previous marriage ,they divorced and then went on to meet me. Since then (6 years ago ) we've had 2 children ,his ex having 3 more as well. I can honestly say that the only person it impacted was the adults ,never the children. The children are in their teens now ,they live their "new" siblings (from both their mother and their father ) ,and talking to one of partners children the other day she said she loved having a big family now.

As it happens ,me and partners ex now get on and my children with partner I actually class as step siblings to her younger children (that aren't partners ). Everyone's happy ,and you can see that just by looking at the children.

The only reason why it impacts children is when you get adults acting like kids themselves and playing the blame game and guilt tripping them all the time. What you've got to remember is ,children grow up and usually have their own opinion.

Of my contemporaries, the ones that seem to me to have been messed up are the ones whose parents didn't get out: the ones who had to live covering up a parent's infidelities, or witness daily emotional or physical abuse, or simply live in a constant atmosphere of bitterness and unhappiness.

As for knowing a partner's background- it is a very well known fact that abuse often does not start until the birth of the first child. Any social worker could tell you that.

So you're supposed to have some kind of crystal ball to know that this lovely person will stay lovely all his life but that that lovely person will turn into a monster once your children are born...

But if your crystal ball isn't working perfectly, then you aren't allowed to recognise you've made a mistake and get out...

*love their siblings

Wow could you be any more smug?

Oh. The op hasnt been back? Im calling donald!!!

OP might be interested to know that all the evidence so far has shown that what is damaging is the acrimony, not the split.

If people behave like grownups when they split - and in the case of a person fleeing DV that means building a new life for herself and taking steps to minimise or mitigate contact with the abusive parent - then children adjust well. If on the other hand they squabble and bicker and play the children off against each other, the children suffer.

The damage done to children who are forced to grow up in a household where their parents loathe one another is far worse. The damage done to children forced to grow up in a house where one or both parents is violent is even worse still.

The ideal would be for parents to separate their feelings about one another from their feelings for and obligations to their children. (please note that I said ideal. I do know that reality is often far more difficult but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be best if it is possible)

Because I think THAT is what damages children when parents divorce. Not the fact of divorce, but when dad walks away without a backward glance, or slags mum off or mum slags dad off or stops him seeing the kids, or dad won't pay for the children he helped to create or any number of other horrible things that can happen after divorce and when parents get so caught up in hating (and punishing) one another (or one parent does) that they forget about or minimise the impact on their children.

A well managed divorce, with both parents working together to explain it to the children and help them through it is far better than two parents staying together 'for the kids' and spending their days screaming at each other, or just living totally separate lives.

I suppose you have to look at your relationship and ask yourself if you would want your children to repeat it. If not - then you don't want it for yourself either.

You don't do your kids any favours by staying in a shitty relationship 'for them'

Apart from anything else, they may grow up feeling guilty and responsible for their parents' unhappiness. If it wasn't for their existence - you would have been happy.

THAT'S the shittiest thing of all to do to a child.

As the child of divorced parents I agree to an extent, but it really does depend on how it is handled. I have seen some shining examples in recent years through friends, who really do keep the happy equal so the children are settled. Obviously, that's a lot more difficult if someone US emotionally, physically or even financially abusive. Unfortunately for my mother (and us) my dad was all three. We were the last thing on his mind, it was all about the control if my mother and situations surrounding that. Every girlfriend he had hated us as well and hand on heart, I can tell you we were not difficult children because we were petrified. I was not even allowed to use the toilet at one house he lived in and was made to go in the garden

I'm calling either a) a reverse AIBU or b) a university assignment

Because I'm trying to give the OP the benefit of the doubt.

It's a struggle though.

And I'm not divorced.

Thank you Drank

I'm hoping that the op has her own reasons for posting this, and didn't read my thread and use it as inspiration for this awful rant, like I don't feel guilty enough already, and we haven't even told our dc yet

The disappearing OP - journo or college student doing lazy tesearc

"They fuck you up your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you"
Philip Larkin

YANBU to feel that society should have a moral obligation to safeguard children's mental health but it is both shortsighted and unhelpful to place that blame on one section of the population. We all have the potential to cause harm, intentional or not. We are all human, we have no manual and really we are all stumbling around in the dark trying to figure it out as we go along, as best we can whether we are married, divorced, single, widowed or otherwise...

Not coming back to your incredibly judgey thread op ?

Did you want a discussion on it or simply want a bun fight?

Don't feed it people!

Since you mention mental illness, the guarantee message for this is bottling up feelings.
so if you stay in an unhappy marriage, you bottle your feelings you are at risk of depression. Then you teach your children to do the same:to bottle up their feelings and desires and to keep up appearances. Thats unhealthy.

Imo divorce has a good message too: to be true to yourself and to others.

Lots of things can affect a childhood. I think it is how the parents handle a divorce that is the issue not the divorce itself.

I think you're talking out of your arse.

My ex-husband had an 18 month+ affair with a younger woman. According to you I should have sucked it up and put up with it to preserve my marriage at all costs. You think that by kicking him out and getting divorced I have irreparably damaged my children?

I see it this way: I have shown my 3 daughters that it is possible to retain your dignity and self-worth by removing myself from a relationship that was damaging to me and them. I have shown them that you don't have to stay married at all costs and it is possible to be a happier, better parent alone.

I have shown them that I can provide them with a stable, secure childhood despite raising them largely alone. I have shown them that they can maintain a relationship with their dad that I can facilitate.

I have since started a relationship with a lovely man and we went to great pains to introduce him slowly, carefully, appropriately and respectfully into my family.

I refuse to put my life on hold for the next 10-15 years until my children leave home. Whilst I love them wholeheartedly and they are my absolute priority my emotional health and happiness are important too and I see no reason why I can't integrate a man into my life in a way that is acceptable to my children.