to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

[almondcake]

OP, are you in an unhappy marriage where you have fallen out of love with your partner? You seem to know a lot about the emotions involved.

I disagree with you that happiness is a fleeting emotion. I am happy most of the time.

Your understanding of abuse is ill informed. Abusers are generally highly manipulative and hide their nature until they have the victim in a position of vulnerability.

I don't think it is in the best interests of children to be brought up in an unhappy marriage. I think parents divorcing is in the best interests of children. But divorcing doesn't mean you have to embark on a new relationship, and I agree that some people who do so do not put the needs of their children first.

[thatswhatimtalkingbout]

Marriage as an institution is under strain because the whole thing is historically predicated upon men getting to use women for their convenience. Now that women are renegotiating, many individual marriages can't take the strain because certain individual men haven't learnt how not to be arseholes.
the solution is not for women to put up with arseholes. I am sure there were domestic inconveniences in many homes around the abolition of slavery too.

However - having looked at some step parenting threads on here - I am appalled at how some step mothers talk aobut their step children. In some cases they seem to think the children belong to their mothers only and are a horrible inconvenience when spending time with their fathers. There is a childish possessiveness, a competitive desire to live out some childish idealised version of romance that is hindered by the existence of these poor children, who chose none of this. And they blame the children and the exwife for the inconvenience (such as it is) and let the man who fathered the children off scot free because of this insane primacy of romance, they let him off the hook although you can see that being generally lazy and selfish was probably why his first wife left him and now why she is determined to force him to be a parent.

If something happened to dp no way would I bring a man into my house with me and my kids. or join his. Dating, maybe, with babysitters in place at home. For fun, friendship and maybe even shags. but people trying to replicate a family dynamic, which is hard enough at the best of times, when some of the adults involved have already proved they are a bit shit at it even without competitive tensions - ugh. Selfish stupid behaviour.

[Sparklysilversequins]

I think if all the adults involved behave properly, the impact can be minimised. For example the big dramatic sit down To Tell The Kids with everyone with long faces is a mistake I think. Of all the people I know whose parents are divorced they said that big convo was the absolute worst thing. I didn't tell my dc I just let it filter in, their Dad worked away a lot anyway and when ds was about 7 he said Dad doesn't live here anymore does he? I said "no he doesn't because we weren't very good friends when he lived here, we are better friends now and you still see him a lot don't you?" He said he preferred it because now we were all happy.

I cringe on here when I see posts where one of the parents has left usually for someone else and posters are haranguing that the guilty party must be the one to tell the kids, it's like a punishment because they left but it's the children that's the worst for.

[DesiderataDisciple]

I could start another thread with

AIBU.... to think that the mental impact of ........parents who would be happier apart from their spouse, not separating and subjecting the kids to unhappy parents in a crap example of a marriage....... is severely understated.

However I wouldn't need the contentious topic opener would I ?

Hope this helps your befuddled thought processes OP.

[SallyMcgally]

It seems quite dismissive when you suggest that those of us who wish are parents had divorced can't know how we would have felt if they had. Of course we can't. Equally those children with divorced parents can't know that they would have been happier if their parents had stayed together. I do know that my mental health now would be better if I had not had to look after an emotionally abusive parent. My DM is desperately immature because she was so damaged by her family. She's seen countless therapists, psychiatrists, counsellors etc, has had ECT, is on a host of prescription drugs. Of course the atmosphere would have been less toxic if she'd grown up. But saying that about a mentally ill person is as good as spitting in the wind. And selfishly, yes, sometimes I wish that I could have had a different family set up and I know my DF could have been happier (and I happen to think that happiness counts for a v great deal). Why would you think that I'm not in a pretty good position to judge which background I would rather have had?

[Sparklysilversequins]

I could not agree more with your post thatswhatimtalkingabout. It's exactly how I feel. I cannot stand the way The Relationship is often given supremacy both here and in RL, talked about as though it's a separate entity that must be stroked and nurtured like a fluffy, fragile kitten.

Divorce is NOT the end of the world and children should not be brought up to believe that it is.

[SallyMcgally]

'our parents' not 'are parents'. Sorry.

[InsanityandBeyond]

twofingerstogideon please do LYFAO. I actually don't think it's funny .

thatswhatimtalkingabout I agree and the 'blended' family (nauseating term), which is very common among people I know, is what I personally find hard to stomach is in the DCs best interests.

[BornFreeButinChains]

Yes its awkward and horrible and I do think, however these divorces come about, whether for good or bad, yes the children bear the brunt.

In my case, I wish my parents had split up years earlier, we lived in a war zone.


Divorce and split up families are very much the norm now and Yes more should be done to support the children, make new partners aware of them and so on.

[squishysquirmy]

I think you may be underestimating the mental impact of kids growing up in unhappy marriages.
My parents divorced when I was a young child, and although it had an effect on me, I genuinely believe it was the right thing not just for them but also for me and my siblings. They both remarried and (although there were a few initial problems) I have a good relationship with my stepparents and grew up with two examples of happy marriages, based on love. The alternative would be for me to grow up in an unhappy house, believing that adult relationships were based on screaming arguments.
It would be even worse to discover when older that my parents had been miserable in a loveless marriage "for my sake".
I know that some children do suffer horribly from messy divorces (particularly if either/both parents use them against the other parent) but you are massively oversimplifying in your post.

[InsanityandBeyond]

Desiderata befuddled! I wish.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

"twofingerstogideon please do LYFAO. I actually don't think it's funny"

And we don't actually think you're a deep thinker OP.

Quite the opposite.

And if you actually have to ask a poster who on this very thread has told you she is going through a divorce right now because she and her husband no longer love each other why she might be offended when you say she (and others) should just re-fall in love like you and your husband have, then I'd say not a lot of any kind of thinking goes on in your world.

[twofingerstoGideon]

What I was laughing at Insanity was your notion that you were a deep thinker, when you're clearly unable to see any kind of bigger picture. HTH.

[twofingerstoGideon]

Ah, I see Sangria got there first :)

[persimmon]

Part of me wants to say YABVVU
BUT
everyone I know as an adult whose parents divorced have had significant emotional problems which have prevented (some of) them from forming healthy relationships themselves.
TBF I also know people whose parents DIDN'T divorce who have major emotional issues.

[chocoluvva]

You make a good argument for free marriage guidance OP. Not just for parents who are married.

My parents divorced - my DM was amazingly good about not criticising my DF who turned out not to be cut out for family life, but it was still very disturbing; my whole world shaken - if my DF could just leave the family home and have a new partner, what else might happen? What was wrong with my lovely mum that my DF would choose someone else

I feel sorry for DC who split their time between their parents' homes - they might have no friends where the new home is, miss out on things, spend time travelling between homes and organising their stuff - and just be sad that their parents no longer love each other.

But modelling an unhappy relationship isn't good for children either, as other posters have said.

Very difficult.

[ReallyTired]

Not read the entire thread, but the impact of children living with parents in a toxic marriage suffer horrendously. Sometimes divorce is the less damaging option.

In a family everyone's happiness is important.

[sleeplessbunny]

My DF's behaviour became gradually more controlling and abusive towards my DM from when I was about 10. I remember as a teenager asking my DM why she didn't leave him, it was a poisonous environment for me and my DB to grow up in and I hated it. DM believed in doing the right thing for the children, and put up with hell, supposedly for our benefit. I really wish she hadn't.

THey finally divorced a couple of years ago. I am 35. I know she did was she thought to be right at the time, but I truly believe that the decision to stay with him was far more damaging to us, her kids, than a divorce would have been.

[TheKnightsThatSayNee]

My parents 'stayed together for the kids' and although they never argued or did anything 'toxic' both me and my sister have suffered as adults from the role model of a loveless marriage. My parents are both much happy now and my relationship with then is great.
Of course you can never know if things would have been better if they'd split but I strongly suspect it would have and if you use that argument then we could never debate anything.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

Well, here you go Persimmon.

My parents divorced when I was 6. I've been with dh since 1997. I love him deeply, we have a very equal relationship, he is not unfaithful, and I don't fall out of love with him on a regular basis.

So there's my anecdote to even up your statistics a bit.

[fanoftheinvisibleman]

Not read the thread. But, my parents are still together. And I can definately confirm that the mental impact of having two unhappy parents bickering and fighting with alcohol thrown in the mix is negative on the children if that helps. I used to lay in bed at night praying they'd get divorced one day and it would all just stop.

I am happily married and would be sad for all of us if it ended. But it is not a black and white issue.

[MeepMeepVrooom]

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation

Oh piss off!

[shebird]

I agree thatswhatimtalkingbout all parties concerned in the aftermath of divorce need to behave like adults and put the needs of the children above their own. Being piggy in the middle of two opposing households is deeply damaging. I do not understand step mothers who are threatened by their partners children.My FIL's current partner makes it clear that both he and our DCs are an inconvenience. There is always an atmosphere when we visit and you can almost see her face light up when we leave. So sad that my DCs do not see so much of their grandad because of this.

[MeepMeepVrooom]

I wonder OP do you realise that 1 in 6 abused women report the violence to have started during pregnancy. Should they have been mind readers or be able to see into the future?

Your post is inflammatory towards divorced parents IMO. You may well think my divorce will have a negative impact on my DD but guess what staying with her Dad would have had a worse impact.

[Fusedog]

I was quite frankly relived when my parents finally got divorced


My dad was having lots of affairs and constantly bring home "the new sibling"


And his cheating was becoming normalised to me thank god my birth mother did not stay with him in my teenage years god news what damage havering a openly cheating father and a passive mother would of had on me and what my own relationships with men would be like