In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

[SoyYo]

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

If you think she will fall out with you when you say no next time why on Earth are you even still talking to her never mind allowing her to stay at your home?

Text her and say you are not letting anyone stay at the place from now on and by telling you now you have plenty of time to find somewhere else. Texting is a bit of a cop out but tbh she will talk you round if you ring her.

Do not give in and if you do, you can't really moan about it.

I have a family member who bought a villa in Portugal. All the long lost family came creeping out of the woodwork for a free holiday, even as far away as Canada. For the first few years there was someone staying in it practically the whole year, family, friends, work colleagues. Some people felt that as it wasn't lived in then they were actually doing them a favour by staying in it! Last year they threw the head up and said that they would have to start charging £50 per head per week, which is still for nothing, but it has certainly reduced the freeloaders!

I think you should tell the truth, now. Rabbitlady put it beautifully. She may then no longer be a friend but from some of your posts that wouldn't be such a loss to you.

Grow a spine and tackle this now, OP.

We had an apartment in Majorca and the only time anyone stayed in it for free is if I offered it and it was usually as a thank you for a favour returned. My DH and I are buying a new one this year in this country and my Friend has asked why we are buying it in x and not in y. She doesn't like x so could we not reconsider. Eh no. I told her about a friend who is selling in y so she could consider that if she wanted.
Your friend is a freeloader. Tell her you don't expect any payment but if she could buy something you specifically need for the house that would be great. Have something ready if she asks, ie a nice coffee maker. Preferably not a cheap one and you can be sure she won't ask again.

Think twice in 2 years is hardly keeps asking to use our holiday flat

Op if you want to change your mind then change it. People change their minds all the time. It sounds like you've been very generous to her over the years. It's your hard earned home, your stuff, your bed, your prerogative. My friend has a holiday home in Devon. It's absolutely beautiful. The photos look stunning. 6 years I've been waiting for the jammy cow to let us have a borrow. She guards it's exclusivity jealously. :o

She only asked weekend before last, she doesn't "want" it until July, and it's an hour and a 1/2 away from home so likely she hasn't booked flights.

I would tell her you've given it some thought and unfortunately you've decided against letting anyone use it. Your situation has changed since you offered over a year ago and it's actually your home now and personal.

I really think you risk damage to the friendship no matter what you do. You're going to feel resentful of her using your stuff, of your home being invaded and of them mooching off you (wine doesn't cover use). How she feels about it doesn't really seem to matter because you probably won't like her after July anyway and will back off a lot.

I would tell her that your dh is not happy about it and you should have discussed it with him first and that you felt pushed into it.

OP have you placed the new bed and mattress in there (sorry I read your thread earlier and have just tried to catch up). If you haven't, don't. Then when you do, explain its now your second home.

You did cock up by offering but its done now and you can't rally renege with grace. But I would insist on a contribution to cover your expenses.

hth :)

Obviously you were really daft to say they could stay there for the week in July. You say you 'relented' but that is still a yes!

I think you should tell her that you are sorry, but that you have changed your mind because 'as you mentioned before' you want to retain some flexibility. You were doing her a huge favour as a friend, it wasn't a contract. You are allowed to change your mind. I just think that if you let her go it will really, really annoy you.

Does the house have two bedrooms because if it does I would put a lock on yours. Say the room is personal to you and your DH and don't want anyone sleeping in it.

Well if your friendship is on the rocks anyway, then just be honest, say it's not available anyway and deal with the fall out.

tbh if the relationship is rocky, then I'd say that you've changed your mind and then cuts ties. Why drag it out?

Give them a list of typed up list of "Rules" and make sure you include:

12. Electricity costs money we don't have so please confine yourselves to a wash down with a flannel and one weekly bath. Candles are provided for evening entertainment but to be resticted to use as a lighting implemenet only (see 14. below)
13. Don't be a cheapskate and use our toiletries
14. No shagging in my bed as I'm squeamish about the idea. Please shag in your own car or we have thoughtfully provided a blow up mattress if you would like to remain indoors.

With luck you'll at least have the entertainment of an MN thread about it from your friend.

I think you are right to let it go ahead this time and not to try to charge her anything. That then makes it easier to say next time that you are no longer lending it to people, in part because the costs of doing so in terms of electiricty etc were higher than you had budgetted for. I do not think you are unreasonable to say no in future, just as I do not think she was unreasonable to ask in light of your previous comments (although was unreasonable to push).
I think it would be reasonable for you to say, though, that she can only use it from Sunday night to Friday night if there is a chance you will want to use it either weekend. You made clear that she could onyl use it when you weren't and that you wanted to flexibility.

Accessing during work lunchbreak, TY for so many replies!
rabbitlady your suggestion is perfect. Kewcumber: LOL! I think if I do the gracious thing then I do it graciously and wholeheartedly.
Yes I am precious about the flat (and my main home), because we saved and work VERY hard for it, and you can call me materialistic but I am one of those people that will go without rather than buy crap. Hence sleeping on a blow up bed till we could afford something fairly decent rather than cheap tat.
And my toiletries are the same...which would explain the fascination with using them in bucketloads!
Friend has asked to borrow place twice in 5 months, not twice in two years. She and her DH have also been invited to stay over when we have been there, and was fully entertained, dined and wined, and provided with clean towels and linen when we were there.
Only the time she already borrowed did I request she take her own linen/towels. And of course she has also been wined and dined at home frequently.
I cannot remember the last time a meal was cooked for us at hers.
So yes I do not want to be resentful, just feel a bit used that's all.
I will get over it. Thanks again.

I agree with other posters who say that your friend isn't taking the piss. She asked once last year and once this year. Both times you said yes.

I have a second family home in Italy which incurs considerable costs re: upkeep, taxes etc. However, I feel incredibly fortunate in having this. I really don't understand this "I don't want other people shagging in my bed, using my shower gel etc". Who cares about this stuff? As long as the place is clean and looked after. Why not get a occasional cleaner for the house and pass that charge onto your friends who stay?

A friend conceived her second child in my bed, which makes me very happy indeed. OP, could you try to think a bit more generously?

cingilomama, first time no problem, second time only 5 months later makes me feel used for a free holiday.
My fault for feeling under pressure and agreeing instead of a polite and firmer no.
I would rather not charge as I prefer not to mix business with friendships, but since this is a whole weeks' stay then I would expect her to just ask if she could cover running costs. But she didn't which confirms my suspicion.
I am not a mean person, or ungenerous friend...and not just with "favours" but with my time and emotional support.
As I said in an earlier post, the reason I feel this way goes a bit deeper to the root of this frienship. A true friend wouldn't ask again when already told "we would rather not let it out in the summer as we want to have the flexibility" and say "but you are not on holiday that week".
Anyway...probably it doesn't help that she and her family used half a bottle of shampoo/conditioner/bath essence over a 4 night stay last time. And that I am so anal about the place having finally got it just as we dreamed it would be.

How recently did you agree, OP? If I were you I would go back on it. If you feel unconfident, say there is some building work that needs to be done then.

"if we are not using it, then you can borrow it".

This is what you said in your OP.
It doesn't imply that the friend can only use it once but if it is free she can go there!

I can see how you got into this situation, but I think you are very unreasonable painting your friend as the bad guy. You also only agree with the posters who agree with you. YOU offered, and have now changed your mind because YOU feel possessive about the flat. This is not your friends fault. Your friend doesn't sound that nice, but tbh nor do you

And, sorry, but half a bottle of shampoo. How awful.

I think it's because they're not actual friends, they're "friends".

I get you OP, I've had similar with our static caravan

Sorry if this has already been suggested (I'm pushed for time, lunch break) but can you tell them that you're not allowed to let them have it because it's not insured for hiring out?

Come to think of it...are you allowed to let them have it under the terms of your insurance?

Hi I need to check on the insurance thingy, and will do. Like you I am pushed for time, back to work now.
DH and I discussed last night. I will probably let it go, life is too short and I will get over it, not like me to seethe about it for months but this has just happened in the last week or so... on the other hand if it is still bothering me by this coming weekend I will have to have a word and be honest as to the reasons why.
I am honest in my posts, even if makes me sound like a mean human being...hey ho, that's how I feel about the situation right now.