In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

[SoyYo]

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

I don't get this. If you were my mate with a home I would ask if I could borrow it if thought you would be renting which frankly is what most people actually do do. Why shouldn't I ask? Not rude to ask. I would assume you to say yes rental is/bills are/no we don't rent. As like it's yours but I don't see why anyone is rude to ask.

Grow a backbone maybe... Just say no for Pete's sake

We have a holiday flat. We hadn't been able to go for a while due to family health problems, we arrived one Friday evening to be greeted by the neighbours saying "oh, come to stay at Terry and Junes this weekend then?" Terry and June are our "best friends". Turns out that one weekend when we had lent them our flat they had copied the key and gone nearly every weekend because they knew we weren't. We changed the locks and the cheeky buggers complained the following week because they weren't able to get in and "they had driven all that way for nothing". Needless to say they are no longer friends.

Suefla, that is shocking! How ridiculous some people are.

I don't think the OPs friend is on that scale thankfully. I think the OP is kicking herself for not having said 'no' but now having said 'yes' wants to stick to her word. Good on her for that.

Unbelievable

We have all agreed to things in the heat of the moment and then realised later that it's not convenient etc.
Do not feel obliged.
Why cant you make something eg you are having the place repainted and the decorators have rejigged their dates. Or simply say you thought that week was good but you have since found out it isn't. You don;t have to explain. Last time I looked at holiday cottages they were ate least £700 pw - depending on bedrooms and location. If it makes you feel that she has taken advantage then simply change your mind. She has enough time to make alternative plans. And if you feel the friendship is fraying at the edges this will only continue to upset you.

Yes, thanks ChocolateWombat, comingintomyown, LessMissAbs. Wise words. Will be generous this time since I was not brave enough to tell her no outright...and let it be a lesson on what real frienships are really about. I think I am fed up with this particular friend not just because of the freeloading of our hard earned beach escape, it is that she decided to ignore my hints at not being happy to lend it out anymore.
That, together with other behaviours, has made me realise she is no true friend at all. But that is another whole different discussion thread!
Cheers.

I have family who recently moved to the seaside. They found they suddenly became very popular with all their friends who fancied a few days at the sea.
First of all, they gave out open invitations.
Then people took them up on it and they found themselves spending a lot of time changing beds, cooking etc. they felt a bit resentful.
Now they have a clear policy. Friends can come, but only when it suits the hosts. The guests have to bring own bedding and one meal to share with everyone and they can only stay for 2 nights. They don't let more than 2 weekends get booked up like this per month in the summer.
This seems to work well. They enjoy their friends visiting. There is still work to do,up it is reduced now. The friends understand and don't mid bringing a meal and mucking in.

It took them a while to find what worked for them and what they finally chose wouldn't suit everyone. I guess the OP is just realising what works for them and will now establish that. Best just to see the friend thing as a learning experience and move on.

OP, I'm heading off now.....but, without being patronising I hope, well done on being generous rather than mean spirited about this. This particular friendship is a different issue, as you say, to the one about having said 'yes' when you wished you hadn't.

I hope you continue to enjoy your flat and gain some pleasure from knowing you did the right thing in this tricky situation.
You will know you kept your word and also that you did not resort to lying to wriggle out of your commitment. Personally, I think far too many people deal with difficult situations by lying. Integrity is best in my book. You can't be responsible for how others behave, but you can be responsible for yourself. Sorry...moralising over now.

Kf you only offered/agreed to this week in july two weeks ago, you are still in a cooling off period. Just say you've changed your plans and will be going down those weekends, or you've got a builder in, or you've looked at the insurance and no can do, sorry.

You will have given her enough to find somewhere else - but you have to do it soon.

What will make you feel worse- months of simmering resentment knowing she's taking advantage of your new JLP mattress; or the slight awkwardness of having to tell her?

If she's a typical chancer, she's not going to mind.

OP, what might make you feel better would be to remove all your personal possessions and put them away in a locked cupboard, if you have one at the flat. We've stayed in lots of holiday homes that have one cupboard which is locked and clearly has the owner's stuff in for when they use the property. If you don't have a cupboard you can lock, bring your things home for the week. That includes toiletries! I would never stay even overnight at a friend's without bringing my own toiletries (might nick a bit of toothpaste but that's it). It will be a pain but you will feel better knowing your stuff isn't there.

Also YY to a thick mattress protector!

She borrowed for a long weekend, left it tidy and took her own bedding. She then left you a couple of bottles of wine as a thank you.

Yes it would have been nice to offer to contribute to gas/electricity but how much would that have been for a long weekend? Similar to a couple of bottles of wine?

That wasn't free loading.

How hard would it be to say as you are having it for so long you need to pay £x for the week?

Then say no again if asked.

I think it is very sad and you should cut contact with this woman if this is what you and your H think of her.

Is there a spare bedroom friend could use leaving your new bed untouched?
Be prepared for next time so you don't get caught out

"you're going to hate me for this, and i will understand if you do, but now that we've grown attached to the flat we don't want anyone else to use it. its very much 'our' place and we'll be keeping it that way. i'm sorry to disappoint you about the week in july, but when dh and i talked about it, we found we both felt the same way and we won't be lending the flat to anyone."

problem solved.
might also be the end of the friendship, which might be good, possibly?

Rabbitlady - wonderful wording, just perfect.

I was trying (and failing, thanks phone) to say exactly what rabbitlady says.

If you really can't bring yourself to right this wrong then buy a mattress topper to bin afterwards.

Don't charge money, as this becomes a paid for service. If it's for no money, it remains at your discretion.

Yes to not charging for utilities. They would have to be paid for anyway and someone in the flat for a week in the summer is hardly going to increase the monthly direct debit to the utility company.

YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!

Repeat rinse and wash etc.!

Only if in dire need do you let friends stay in your house (1st, 2nd, third, whatever)...

You don't owe her anything, you did it already once, yes she's a cheeky mare for thinking your house is hers for the asking...

Maybe you need to up your ante in the balls dept (sorry, but you will all sleep better at night for it).

After all, I bet you have more friends who will come a-whinging if you don't put a stop to it now.

Ok, can you remove the mattress for that week? That seems to be the biggest bugbear for you. Then at least you've salvaged somethjng

Please let us know what you do, OP.

Seeing the whole thread and your comments, it really does seem the right thing to do to cancel. The friendship is wearing thin, anyway, and you don't want to have to fret for another four months about this person using your flat.

Some people are thick skinned. I remember a thread about someone who had a swimming pool and offered a casual invitation, only for a neighbour to turn up every single day with their swimming cossie, even when the owner was out.

Yabu and petty she is a good friend and you aren't using it that week.

It's decent of you to keep to the week in July since you agreed it, but from other comments (snide remarks about circumstances, no return hospitality, insisted on staying, always expects, etc.) she may well regard this as a pattern now. If so, you really will have to be firm in future - as others have said, blame the insurance if you need to!!!

Although you've restricted those in the know, these things have a way of spreading once other folk hear what a great place you have. Most holiday home owners learn this very quickly; you've only had it a year, so why not practice saying "no" before it gets out of hand?