In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

[SoyYo]

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

Goodness me. We have a holiday house and it wouldn't even occur to me to charge my FRIENDS for it. The more the merrier. You sound v possessive of your stuff, which is of course your prerogative but ofc many people don't share that point of view.

But the real issue is that it sounds like you don't sound like you really like this woman. In which case just say no next time she asks & let the friendship slide.

You are not a mean human being. You've worked hard for this second home and worked hard to furnish and improve it. You're paying for it and it's yours. If you don't want to lend it out or rent it then don't. I wouldn't want anyone living in my second home.

OP, I didn't say you were a mean or ungenerous person. I asked if you could think more generously about this particular situation.

Why on earth would you expect your friend to offer to cover running costs? Many people are simply unaware of the costs involved - it doesn't mean they are jerks. Why not, instead of expecting her to read your mind, just tell her what you want?

And BTW, I don't think that asking friends to cover reasonable expenses such as cleaning, utilities etc. is mixing business with pleasure at all. Stop making things so complicated!

I think you should tell her she can't stay. I think your friendship is over from what you have said and you are just going to resent her more and more. I think she is taking you for a ride as it appears she gives absolutely nothing in return, or offers anything. Does she not even contribute drinks when you cook dinner? Could you say your insurance wouldn't cover guests?

Popping back in again. Thanks for all the replies, the ones that think IABR and the ones that don't . Very, very kind.
I will mull it over the next couple of days...and do some soul searching about this friendship and what I decide to do in the end.

The truth is I do care about this friend, she has been in my life for a very long long time, but maybe I don't "like" the person she has become anymore.
If I didn't care I wouldn't have posted about the dilemma and my cockup here, I'm usually no pushover.
I was hurt she ignored me when I gently tried to let her down with the flexibility thing... I know she understood me perfectly well but persisted, and I was weak and dishonest with her (and myself) really as I do mind and feel I am being taken advantage of (for reasons i already explained that go beyond the free loan of holiday home).
C'est la vie.

Hope next time I will contribute to this forum with some more upbeat and fun topics, like I am now an expert on furniture painting having spent months upcycling furniture for the beach shack.

Thanks for the update OP.

Hope it works out whatever you decide to do, and more importantly, ENJOY your lovely beach holiday flat.

July is a long way away. I would tell her you have changed your mind. She has months to find something else.

IN your defence about the toiletries etc you do say that you save hard to be able to buy really nice things. It would be unreasonable to get annoyed over half a bottle of Timotei and a squeeze of toothpaste, but if someone helped themselves to half a bottle of my Jo Malone bath essence, that I was given as a special treat for instance, then I'd be really pissed off. And it might not have occurred to me to remove it the first time, because I would assume that people just wouldn't do that.

OP I do think you can say, just to confirm the dates, and say of course we wouldn't dream of charging you rent, but as you will be there a full week this time I'm sure you understand I will have to ask for a contribution for heat and lighting and hot water.

Not going back on anything already agreed but just "clarifying" the arrangements!!

Very jealous would love a bolt hole in Whitstable and keep looking to see how we can afford it!

Not quite Jo Malone but yes, it was L'Occitane shampoo/conditioner/bath essence so hardly Avon. I had just bought and left it there, to find the bottles half empty after the last weekend stay.
Oh dear, you live and learn...

That's really rude. L'Occitane is bloody expensive.

I know!!!!! I didn't want to sound like a spoilt brat but I tell you it did annoy the hell out of me...

It is. It is well out of order.

And before I was asked for the flat again (which DH had bless him already warned me not to be so stupid about again) I had to hear blah blah about how much better she is having "head space" now she has given up her job, worth not having the money anymore.
Muggins here usually works 50 hour weeks, just having an unusual quiet couple of days which led me to post here. I don't usually get the luxury to correspond with other Mumsnetters...no time because DH and I do work very very hard. Our DS's are 18 and 21 now so we can finally enjoy a little off time in our hard earned beach shack.

Anyway, enough! I don't want to get wound up again with the sorry saga. I think everyone has been very kind with so many comments, and suggestions and some challenging questions which did make me question things and myself.
It is all very sad really as someone remarked on earlier on but not a matter of life or death just a moral dilemma, so best to sort my own head out on this one.

Will go and post something fun sometime soon - cheers!

Jebus Christ! A smallish bottle of L'Occitane shampoo is £15! I'm really not the sort of person who pays any attention to brands/beauty stuff but even I know that that's expensive stuff. If it hadn't been for that then I'd have said that at least the wine probably covered the cost of their stay in terms of utilities.

She's taking the piss massively. Could you ask your DH to tell her DH it's a no go?

About the insurance ... from our experience of home exchanging, if anyone but the owner is in sole in charge of the property the insurers will still cover you for burst pipes, fire etc - but they won't cover theft or damageeven if there's no money involved in the guests staying

You might still get this cover by going for a "commercial property" type of policy, but obviously that would cost a lot more and why would you want to pay it?

Anyway, do check this for sure with them - yours might be the one exception - but it's something to bear in mind

I have a holiday house that no one knows I own. They all think I just rent the same house each holidays. I choose not to rent it out because it is where I actually consider my home to be as I'll be moving there permanently in the future and it really is my sanctuary. I even let people think it is only two bedrooms (it is four) so that if they make hints about visiting while I'm there or sharing a holiday that I can point them in the direction of other holiday rentals in the area.

YANBU to want your own space to remain your own space. It is not your job to provide cheap holiday accommodation for people. If you wanted to do that, you would rent it our as a money making venture, not give it away for free.

midnitescribbler, i like your style.

Ooh you're not being spoilt about l'Occitane at all. I'd be furious. Keep the empty Occitane bottles and fill them with the cheapest supermarket crap you can find if she does go in July. I think that was really mean of her and is enough to cancel all earlier understandings!

You made a lovely offer OP, 'friend' took you up on it, fair enough. She asked again, you hesitated, she gently applied pressure, because she knows you and how to get round you. This is it, you feel manipulated by your 'friend' and always have?

I think you must address this and say in hindsight, DP not happy, insurance issues etc and be firm. You will feel better able to handle this 'friend' knowing that you handled this manipulation successfully and did not feel resentful and shit about it.

Why the fuck did you agree then? You can't say yes and then whinge about it. You're giving your friend the message that you are happy for her to use the flat so of course she feels she can ask. Just be honest.

Let me throw a theory into the ring: You are a very kind, generous Person who doesn't like to cause upset.

So you end up doing people a lot of favours and don't always have them returned. You don't mind until the favours start adding up and there is a huge imbalance. A very frustrating situation for you.

Now for your friend: She isn't necessarily cheeky on purpose. But she is getting a lot of benefits out of this friendship because she is asking. Maybe you should start asking favours of her as well. You will get a good idea how much your friendship means to her.

To the actual question: If you are really, terribly upset about having her stay there, by all means cancel her but cancel her NOW. If I was that friend, I would be pretty hurt - not only because I didn't get my way. For starters I'd feel, you made your offer out of politeness without meaning to. I'd feel you would have no problem with messing me around (especially if you agonised for ages and then cancelled on me). I'd be pretty upset, that you obviously had issues with my last stay (toiletries) but didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me.

It is your right to go back on your word, but you won't come out looking too great (especially if you use lame excuses like 'I would love to, but dh...'). I would let her stay, but be clear (she won't guess your expectations) about your rules and boundaries and be clear (mention it in passing, often) that this stay will be the last time.

And finally, don't forget to ask her the occasional big favour. She is not shy about it, why should you.

I would just let her have the week this year. Then next year say that you changed insurance and are not allowed to and the neighbours are not happy about it either (I know when I have looked at property sometimes flats come with a "not for holiday rental" clause)

Midnite Scribbler: how fab!! May you move to your secret sanctuary for good soon!
Chrome100: Because I am an idiot sometimes
someonestolemynick: theory is "roughly" right but not quite, I am no angel and no pushover.
What I am is extremely polite and the way I was brought up is sometimes at odds with the people I have made frienships over the years. So I think it is also a cultural difference (I was not born in UK though I am married to a Brit, my kids are born here, etc), in the way I expect people to behave as I would.
I would not ask for big favours because it is not my style and not the reason I value friendships. You just do your best by them but never ever take advantage to the extent this lady has. That is all.
Thanks again for your thoughts.