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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

273 replies

SoyYo · 10/03/2014 13:42

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/03/2014 16:22

Tell her what she needs to pay you and by when. But stop beingmsomwet and getting pissed and offering.

TruffleOil · 10/03/2014 16:25

I'm really confused. You offered your flat, she took you up on it. How is she being cheeky?

SingingGerbil · 10/03/2014 16:27

You may have to let this time go and chalk it up to experience but if you don't want to let people use it in the future then Just Say No Grin

Caitlyn2014 · 10/03/2014 16:28

I think you're friend doesnt understand that being offered something doesn't mean you have to accept it. There is such a thing as people being polite and the other party having enough savvy to understand the person is being polite and nothing more than polite replies are expected back.

BillyBanter · 10/03/2014 16:28

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to let her friend stay there, but she offered in the first place, didn't rescind the offer and said yes when asked again, and didn't ask for costs to be covered. No point getting gnarly about the friend who is in no way responsible for creating this situation.

BillyBanter · 10/03/2014 16:30

I think you're friend doesnt understand that being offered something doesn't mean you have to accept it. There is such a thing as people being polite and the other party having enough savvy to understand the person is being polite and nothing more than polite replies are expected back.

That's ridiculous. She didn't have to offer 'to be polite' and it's unfair to expect people to be psychic. The OP was sincere in her offer, she's just changed her mind. That's fine. She can change her mind but she's not communicated that and that is her responsibility not the friend's.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/03/2014 16:33

I think you're friend doesnt understand that being offered something doesn't mean you have to accept it. There is such a thing as people being polite and the other party having enough savvy to understand the person is being polite and nothing more than polite replies are expected back

God almighty, Im glad none of my friends have that attitude Shock

TruffleOil · 10/03/2014 16:34

So there is no such thing as a sincere offer to borrow a holiday home?

TruffleOil · 10/03/2014 16:36

I think it's pretty pathetic to submit to drunken faux best-friend routines.

flowery · 10/03/2014 16:36

Nothing precious in not wanting to share home.

Nothing cheeky in friend taking up offer she quite reasonably believed to be genuine.

Nothing wrong in OP quickly changing her mind.

Beeyump · 10/03/2014 16:40

I know, DameDiazepam! I just feel bemused.

Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 16:41

I offered it once, a year ago when I first got it in a flush of generosity and wanting to share our good fortune over a bottle of wine.
Offer was taken up over a long weekend last year.
Most people would wait to be offered again before asking.
I was asked again but this time for a whole week in the summer, I explained I did not want to lose flexibility as we are now using it a lot, but she knows I am not using it for a week till our summer hols, so she insisted and I relented. Because it is an old friend.
She did not offer to cover utility costs. So then when I had time to think about it I feel I am being taken advantage of. And wanted to extricate myself without causing offence. DH is cheesed off as he is not happy lending it out.
So I am not two faced, or weak, just feeling resentful and we cannot always help how we feel.
We have spent a lot of money and effort refurbishing, so we feel very possessive about it. To complicate things, I do think this particular friend is more interested in "taking" because of other behaviours and exchanges.
Never mind. I will let it go. And learn my lesson for the future.
I knew I would expose myself to some criticism by posting this, so fair do's. It has helped me work out what the real issue with this friendship is so thanks again.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/03/2014 16:43

Most people would wait to be offered again before asking

Err why would they if they'd been told they could use it whenever you weren't? Confused

I don't like you this person much, which is a whole different issue.

starfishmummy · 10/03/2014 16:44

I would also be wary about asking for a contribution to costs. The friend will see this as "paying you to use the home" and then could lead to demands. So last time she took her bedding and left the place clean...but if she is "paying" then she might not.
It could also lead to the expectation that your holiday home is a holiday "let" and as such is available whenever she asks....

SallyMcgally · 10/03/2014 16:45

Oh. I didn't realise she'd insisted after you'd expressed some reservations this time. That is pushy. I'd make this the last time. (Is she a Mumsnetter btw? If so, she should have got the message loud and clear by now . . .)

TruffleOil · 10/03/2014 16:46

Ah. To be fair OP I did miss the part where she asked twice. That may be construed as slightly cheeky.

RoaringTiger · 10/03/2014 16:50

So you did actually turn her down but instead of accepting your offer she insisted until you felt you had too? How long ago did you agree to her staying in July? If it was within the last couple of weeks could you not just contact her and say your really sorry but dh had already agreed for his family member/work colleague/friend to stay for x number of days that week and he'd forgotten to mention it to you? I wouldn't feel guilty for backtracking on something I felt pressured into anyway.

Viviennemary · 10/03/2014 16:51

I am absolutely on your side 100%. I think she was a bit forward in asking
a second time before you had offered. Don't lend it out if you don't want to. I'd advise you to go down the insurance whether you are covered or not. It's what I would do.

SanityClause · 10/03/2014 16:51

We have friends who have a villa in Greece. It is private, and they don't let it out, but let us stay there, once (and have offered for us to go again).

We paid a big contribution towards their costs. They have a pool man, a mortgage, electricity, a cleaner, etc. We made sure our contribution covered all these expenses. We still got a bloody cheap holiday!

Add the running costs, and ask your friend to make a contribution to cover them. I'm sure she won't mind, and how could she refuse, if she does?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/03/2014 16:52

Well if you had said all that at the start! That puts a whole different slant on it!

ChocolateWombat · 10/03/2014 16:53

I think the OP is right to say she is going to let the friend stay. She has agreed (although in the recent post she refers to the friend 'insisting' on staying, which did not get mentioned before) to let the friend stay, and it would be difficult to back track now.

I really don't think there is any point lying, dreaming up false excuses. This is a friend, who perhaps has been a bit thick skinned, but hasn't really 'kept' asking, just responded a little vigorously to the offer the OP made. I think the OP can realistically ask for a small contribution to the utilities and say that they won't be letting friends stay anymore, but beyond that needs to be gracious about it. I really don't think there is any point asking for excessive amounts towards utilities or trying to make the friend feel bad about it. Just put it down to experience, allow the friend to stay and move on.....and don't let the resentment build up, so you can keep the friend. Be the big one in all this, not mean spirited. See it as helping a friend who has fallen on difficult times. If you're going to let them stay, you might as well avoid feeling resentful and cross about it....that wouldn't benefit anyone.

OP, I think you are doing the right thing. I hope you are able to shift your perspective on it a little, so you can feel some pleasure in benefitting your friend now. Everyone can be a winner in this.

Pippilangstrompe · 10/03/2014 16:54

I don't think most people would wait until being offered. She asked, you said yes. How is she supposed to know she isn't welcome?

Why not call her and tell her you and your DH have worked out that the utility costs for her week are £xxx. Don't ask her if that is okay, present it as you would to a stranger renting from you. If she wants to stay, then she pays for the costs. That is only reasonable and fair. Maybe she'll back out and that'll solve the problem. If she doesn't, then go along with it and next time she asks, say no.

Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 16:59

Yes, she pushed to borrow it despite me explaining about the flexibility thing. She has known me for a long long time so that was the hint to drop it but she ignored it and I relented. Really dumb. Happened last weekend...while we were having this awkward conversation next door DH and her DH were discussing the cost of renting a cottage for the summer! LOL!
I have to let go of the resentment and see the funny side of it I guess and put up with my new mattress being shagged on. LOL.
I think I will not ask for a penny, then I have the moral high ground when I say NOT EVER again in our next conversation.

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/03/2014 16:59

I think you can go back to her and say that upon discussion, you won't be able to offer the flat for use again. You have changed your minds.

she has not paid anything, so has lost nothing, she easily has enough time to look for something else, and has the money to pay for it.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 10/03/2014 17:03

Is it the money or the fact it has your things in it?

  • To be honest I think you sound mean and precious.
Yabu
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