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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

273 replies

SoyYo · 10/03/2014 13:42

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

OP posts:

householdchorewhore · 11/03/2014 23:56

The absolute best thing about having money and a holiday home like this for me would be sharing it with friends. One weekend and a week ins year is hardly taking the piss.

Original poster

SoyYo · 11/03/2014 23:59

Having said all that. I do have a couple of other excellent girlfriends who would never ever overstep the mark. And they have been around for as long as this particular example.
And I am there for them through thick and thin, but it is not a "bartering" of favours so to speak...so maybe not cultural at all.
In Spanish we say " a buen entendedor pocas palabras" roughly "if I had to explain you wouldn't understand".

OP posts:

Sharaluck · 12/03/2014 00:00

Can you not just pick up the phone and simply say that you've changed your mind about people borrowing the holiday flat?

Just that you've put a lot if work/ personal belongings into it and see it as your home now, so you really have to say no now.

Sharaluck · 12/03/2014 00:03

Also I understand how you feel. I am happy to have friends to stay but I would never want friends to stay in my home without me there. I would feel extremely uncomfortable about this. So I can see how your plans and ideas for the holiday flat have now changed.

Monty27 · 12/03/2014 00:05

You're not still letting them have it without at least covering your expenses are you? :o

Will you before then? If you are, lock up your stuff including store cupboard, toileteries, towels, and what ever else they take advantage of... and don't tell them ;)

Monty27 · 12/03/2014 00:06

sorry, be there before July I mean.

Original poster

SoyYo · 12/03/2014 00:07

householdchorewhore: I agree wholeheartedly and I can assure you I have! but there is some shall we say "history" behind this friends' request.
Sharaluck: yes maybe I should and maybe I will. I am just thinking it through because I don't want to hurt her feelings, even though she has hurt mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

SoyYo · 12/03/2014 00:15

Monty27: If I let her stay I would not ask for anything in return.

OP posts:

SallyMcgally · 12/03/2014 00:17

Please hide your Occitane toiletries though!

Original poster

SoyYo · 12/03/2014 00:22

LOL Sally I shall! Lesson learnt...

OP posts:

Monty27 · 12/03/2014 00:37

I get your reasons SoyYo for not asking for anything, you did after all, offer.

A friend offered me her apartment once, it cost £500 flight to get there (which was a bit expensive for me), but I accepted the offer. Then she told me it would cost 150 gbp a week rent. I reckoned that was fair enough and gave it to her gladly... a few times :)

So a bit of reverse I realise. Anyway, you're going to have to swallow it this time, but I missed if you said you'd placed the new mattress and whether you'd be able to hide stuff before they get there.

ZenGardener · 12/03/2014 03:37

Now I've heard more, I think I would tell her that sorry you are having some work done on the wiring in June and then say now the place is finished you won't be lending it out to friends any more, you're sure she understands.

Send it by text then she can't wiggle out of it.

ItsGotCocaineInIt · 12/03/2014 03:56

People need to lay off a bit.
OP, I get where you're coming from but I agree with those that say it's TOO late to back out now.
Practical advice to you would be to get round there before July with a nice crinkly waterproof mattress cover and some Superdrug ownbrand panellists, take everything out that you don't want used and leave a tin out labelled electric/gas donations

ItsGotCocaineInIt · 12/03/2014 03:58

panellists? FFS I meant toiletries!

giraffesCantBoogie · 12/03/2014 05:13

panellists lol

TruffleOil · 12/03/2014 07:13

OP you've gotten some good advice here; send her a text telling her you're done lending it out, you've gotten it on the rental market. She's taking advantage of you. I'd be really irritated by the toiletries as well.

Sharaluck · 12/03/2014 09:06

It's definitely not to late to tell her no. Nothing has been confirmed!! That is ridiculous!

fuzzywuzzy · 12/03/2014 09:18

OP I'd do as the others suggest, text her with an excuse and then don't bother answering her for a bit, I'd also start distancing myself from this friend a bit, so she's not so able to take advantage of you so much.

IndridCold · 12/03/2014 09:28

OP, I wouldn't lie about the reasons you don't want your friend to stay there, you will be caught out and that won't help.

Tell her that you no longer feel comfortable about lending it out because it has become much more like a second home than you had imagined when you made the offer. It isn't somewhere you bought with the intention of letting it out, it is your personal space.

If that doesn't work, then you may have let her go in July, unless you want an unseemly fight. Although if she persists after that then she could be considered a bit insensitive, even if she is right to be disappointed.

Jollyb · 12/03/2014 09:50

Disappointed. I thought this was going to be like the Mexican holiday home thread!

TeeBee · 12/03/2014 09:55

OP, my friend has a second property but encourages her friends and family to use it as much as possible in the weeks she won't be there. Her reasons are that it is better that the house be regularly used rather than left to stagnate, regular use deters burglars, if there are any problems they will be identified much quicker and dealt with, there is someone on hand to deal with the gardener and property manager and pay any bills that need paying. She always asks that people take their own bedding and towels and that the place is given a thorough clean at the end of the stay (again, saving cleaning costs). No one takes the piss, everyone leaves food and we always fill up the wine rack before we leave. Just another way of looking at things. I would let her use it but ask that they do whatever maintenance jobs need doing...and don't offer again if you don't want to follow up.

piratecat · 12/03/2014 10:11

you sound more generous as a mate than she is, given the dinners and hospitality you have shown that hasn't been returned.

it's a question of balance isn't it. she's not asked for alot of time in your flat, but she also doesn't seem to give back.

jar of mincemeat? pmsl. how thoughtful of her.

rude to help herself to your stuff. the woman has no manners.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/03/2014 11:05

I do have a couple of other excellent girlfriends who would never ever overstep the mark ... And I am there for them through thick and thin, but it is not a "bartering" of favours

And that's exactly how a real friendship should be

I second the suggestion of asking a rather large favour from this particular lady; there must be something you could think of without in any way being rude. I honestly think her response will help to clarify how you feel

Do remember to check what your insurers cover if you're not there, by the way. Never mind about using it for an excuse, you really do need to know ...

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