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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

273 replies

SoyYo · 10/03/2014 13:42

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 10/03/2014 14:01

Does she use your toiletries?

Maybe she gave up her job as they had previously used her wage for holidays, but now don't need this any more as "SoyYo Heights" is her new holiday destination. Grin Wink

lainiekazan · 10/03/2014 14:02

I think it would be acceptable though to mention to her that you will have to ask for a contribution for the gas/electricity - otherwise you will be steaming thinking of the number of baths/showers/4-hour casseroles they are enjoying. Hopefully in July the heating won't be an issue!

gamerchick · 10/03/2014 14:02

i really can't see how you can get out of this one tbh.. but you can make it more unattractive to her by charging her a fair bit of wedge for running costs.

Could you get gas/electric meters put in maybe if you're not going to be using the place that much?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/03/2014 14:05

This time yabu.

Next time a friend asks, say sorry but you like having the option to pop over on a whim, otherwise you'd consider putting it on the holiday rental market. After all in the high season it would fetch X amount. Then if they offer you something you could reconsider. I don't think that's being mercenary after all they'd still be getting it cheap.

Or just say no.

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/03/2014 14:07

It's perfectly reasonable to ask her to pay for the bills etc or costs while she's there if that would make it tolerable this time, so many people are feeling the pinch financially at the moment that it's not going to be at all an odd or unreasonable request. But I wouldn't say you're risking your friendship to say no; it was a very generous offer and a huge favour on your part and people's situations change. Given plenty of notice, I'd accept this without question from a friend of mine if I was apologetically told it was no longer possible- not feeling comfortable with other people in your home is a perfectly reasonable reason to make a polite excuse.

AgaPanthers · 10/03/2014 14:08

Let them stay, and that's the last time.

Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 14:09

LOL! OpalQuartz...yes when they borrowed it last year they used our toiletries. Oh well, I guess I will have to do the decent thing this time but it has become a second home rather than a holiday home now so it will be the last time. I only offered it once over a year ago, and they have used it already, but I will put a stop to it after this time/be honest with it.

OP posts:
canweseethebunnies · 10/03/2014 14:09

YABU. How is she supposed to know you don't really want her to use it?

Rooners · 10/03/2014 14:10

SoyYo - your friend isn't being unreasonable to ask. But you DO need to clarify all the reasons it feels wrong, this time, and explain to her that while last year was fine and you had no problem with it, you just don't feel the same about it this time.

It isn't personal - it's just you feel like it is your bed, your home, now, and don't want anyone else to use it for hols any more.

She can't complain, she had a freebie last year.

winklewoman · 10/03/2014 14:11

The OP did stand by her offer, she lent it to her friend for a long weekend last year. The OP did not say the arrangement would be permanent.
It would be perfectly reasonable to refuse this year's week's stay.

Blu · 10/03/2014 14:11

Would you be wanting to use it at the weekend either end of her week? If so, say 'only in the weekdays because we are using it more and more as a second home and it is our regular bolt hole' and tell her 'that's fine this time - just make a contribution to the gas and electricity etc so that we're not out of pocket - it averages out at about ** a day...'.

You did offer, she took you at your word, and so welcome her graciously. However, I don't think that a generous offer ike tht has to stand in perpetuity - just tell her no next time, or tell her in passing in advance 'we're planning on stopping lending it to people now that we've more or less half moved in'.

SallyMcgally · 10/03/2014 14:14

It's rude to use someone else's toiletries. I've stayed in places where there's a note in the bathroom asking people not to use existing toiletries, or to replace like with like if they do. (though that particular house was lent out to quite a few people. If she knows you're only lending it to her, she might think it odd to leave a note rather than just to say it.) Alternatively you could just make sure you don't leave any there.

Muppetsbitch · 10/03/2014 14:14

Soy yo you appear to have missed a lot of people points. you're not unreasonable to change your mind going forward, that's understandable, it's the name calling about the friend for taking up an offer that you made which makes you sound unreasonable.

Just tell her it won't be available for borrow after July. McJob done.

Muppetsbitch · 10/03/2014 14:15

Job done! Why the fuck autocorrect changed to McJob done i have no idea!!!

Muppetsbitch · 10/03/2014 14:16

Just read about toiletries, that is unreasonable of them (and a bit strange)

SallyMcgally · 10/03/2014 14:16

Have you been watching too much Grey's Anatomy, muppet?

TheZeeTeam · 10/03/2014 14:19

Say, "We've talked it over and you can stay as long as you don't shag in our bed." Please, please, please say that Grin

Muppetsbitch · 10/03/2014 14:19

Never seen it Sally so I'm afraid I don't understand the reference... Any chance of explanation?

CSIJanner · 10/03/2014 14:19

You could always say you've checked with your husband and use any of the following...

A) the insurance doesn't cover them
B) you've got family already staying or
C) you used my toilettries and bills last year, and TBH it's our 2nd home so it feels strange. Or even feign the "did I say yes, I must have been drunk" line....

She's had a holiday there already - even if ou do let her holiday there this year, you need to make it clear that it won't be happening again.

Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 14:20

I did offer and the offer was taken up and that was fine. But once taken up the polite thing to do is to wait to be offered again...not ask!

OP posts:
Piscivorus · 10/03/2014 14:21

I think you should say something to her even if you do feel you have to let her use it this time. Tell her that you will need a contribution to cover the utility bills and would like them to not use your toiletries and stuff or pay accordingly. I would also prepare her with the idea that you will not be doing this again so it doesn't seem a shock when she next asks and you say no.

SallyMcgally · 10/03/2014 14:21

To your credit, muppet! Two of the handsome doctors in it that everyone fancies are given nicknames McDreamy and McSteamy, and because of that everything else is Mcsomething . . .

KitZacJak · 10/03/2014 14:23

As you have agreed to the upcoming stay I think you will just have to go with it. However, afterwards slip it into conversation that you have decided to rent it out in the future as it is becoming a bit costly. If she wants to stay again just say someone is staying there or say she can have it for the going rate.

Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 14:23

You lot make me laugh! Thanks for that. Yeah...I will probably tell her I don't like other people shagging on my bed The ZeeTeam! :-)

OP posts:
justmyview · 10/03/2014 14:23

YABU. She doesn't "keep asking." You offered the use of the house. She went for a weekend in 2013 and has asked if she can use it for a week in 2014 and you said YES both times! How is that her fault?

Toiletries - drip feed. My friend has a holiday house. I visited once and used a tiny bit of shower gel. Hardly the crime of the century