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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

273 replies

SoyYo · 10/03/2014 13:42

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

OP posts:
Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 17:05

Sorry it happened weekend before last. Last weekend we took possession of our new mattress.

OP posts:
fryingpantoface · 10/03/2014 17:05

If you only agreed recently, then go back and say you've changed your mind. You and DH have spoken about it and decided to keep it just for you, but he was talking to her DH about holiday cottages for summer so that she still has time to get sorted.

4x4 · 10/03/2014 17:08

OP, you are a very generous friend and I completely understand the dilema. For the future make some rules with your DH about the property.
We have a holiday flat in London which is only lent to family or occasionally through an agency for more £'s than we can ignore ( plus huge deposit) . Even for
family I email the rules and a shopping
list of things that they need to take/
replace . I don't want to turn up there at the witching hour to find there is no loo
roll , dishwasher tabs or handsoap.I also charge them the laundry fee and the
cleaners rate. I call it all the "housekeeping charge "

So yes

Caitlyn2014 · 10/03/2014 17:08

I doubt its the money. I suspect its more like the fact the friend seems to have the hide of a rhinoceros.

Pippilangstrompe · 10/03/2014 17:11

I agree with Hissy. Just tell her you've changed your minds.

Or if you can't face that, tell her how much she'll have to pay for utilities. There is no reason not to expect her to pay for the use of your home. Not asking doesn't give you moral high ground.

Caitlyn2014 · 10/03/2014 17:13

And whilst I do understand about the mattress I think if you've ever stayed in a hotel it kind of cancels out not wanting to do the deed on a used mattress so to speak.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/03/2014 17:14

Perhaps get a thick mattress protecter and yes I agree about the hotel!

Letitsnow9 · 10/03/2014 17:17

I don't think asking to borrow a holiday flat for a week when they know it's not in use is cheeky, it's only sitting there unused and it's not like she's kicking you out to use it. I would however say that she is welcome to use it but please could they pay the expenses as your struggling with extra costs.
I do wonder how good of a friend it is though, we have a little holiday place we let close friends (who are non smokers and say sorry no pets) use and I wouldn't worry about them going through my 'personal stuff' or is it very very personal stuff?. I don't care if my friend sees knickers or special photos of people I love etc

TunipTheUnconquerable · 10/03/2014 17:21

I'm wondering how much of this is about the fact that OP doesn't actually like the 'friend' and her visceral reaction about wanting to keep her house to herself is about that.

If you've made yourself a little nest which you love, the thought of someone you like shagging on your mattress is a good deal less disturbing than someone you don't like.

For me the post about 'she gave me mincemeat even though she knows I don't bake!' seemed to speak of her not actually liking this person but feeling like she should because they have a history.

Letitsnow9 · 10/03/2014 17:22

Forgot to say as well we spent lots of money re doing it all nicely, we are careful who we offer it too, for example we know someone who thinks nothing of putting things straight out the oven on the counter, chopping without putting a board or plate down, generally doesn't look after things etc

SquinkiesRule · 10/03/2014 17:36

I'd get back and say that sorry she can't use it after all, that family will be there then and so it isn't going to be convenient.
Then if she asks about other dates, blame Dh and say he precious about his new stuff down at the new flat and want to keep it in the family only. So your hands are tied. Yours and Dh feelings about this are more important than her getting what she wants.

comingintomyown · 10/03/2014 17:37

After hearing she pushed it you aren't being unreasonable to be a bit fed up but as you relented I would go through with it and let her stay but say a firm no for any future requests

I wouldn't ask for any money at all , the reality is a weeks energy in the summer isn't much and asking will dent how generous you're being for not much return

MistressDeeCee · 10/03/2014 17:43

YABU - you offered the facility, now you're complaining that she accepted your generous offer. If she'd been the one to approach you initially about it then yes, Id say she WBU. She isn't going to think you asked her in a tipsy moment, she'd think the offer was genuine. Id feel uncomfortable too, though - she seems to be making it a regular thing which you probably didn't expect. Can't see any way out of it but to let it go this time and then say in future, you don't want to let your property out anyome. She'll probablly be offended in some way but there's not much you can do about that really.

LessMissAbs · 10/03/2014 17:47

DameDiazepam Err why would they if they'd been told they could use it whenever you weren't?

I think that's at the crux of the matter. The OP clearly meant just once when she made her initial offer, the friend somehow thought this meant free holidays for life.

I personally wouldn't make that mistake and I'd feel terribly awkward in insisting on using someone's holiday home for free a second time, in high season.

I think you can tell her you've changed your mind OP, since she only persuaded you last week. I would simply say you might want to stay the weekend of that week and don't want to lose the flexibility. Silence or repeated if she tries to insist.

If she takes the huff and gets offended then that's her loss. She does sound like a user and not a particularly good friend worth keeping anyway.

I'd also feel awkward confusing business deals with friendship and wouldn't want to be put into a position of taking money off a friend. I have some friends in the past who have tried to sell me stuff and it makes me feel incredibly awkward. I don't think its a good distinction to blur.

Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 17:49

I agree comingintomyown. I will let it go but not allow it again.

I guess the real reason I feel taken advantage goes way deeper than just this. She and her DH do judge me and my family, make snide remarks about my career, our kids, etc. But I am a sentimental fool, because she has been in my life forever.

We have grown apart I think and this is another nail in the coffin of what was once a lovely friendship. My DH did warn me the only reason she was coming to see me was to ask for the flat, and that she always "expects". He has had a chance to observe over the last 26 years so i guess he was right....

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 10/03/2014 17:49

And I'm guessing it wouldn't really matter that much even if the OP gritted her teeth and let the July stay go ahead this year only and then refused in following years. This sounds like the sort of friend who is going to take offence if a precedent once established, however unfairly and selfishly, is cancelled.

NewBeginings · 10/03/2014 17:49

I think you're being a bit off. I've been in your friends shoes, one of my friends bought a holiday flat and said we were welcome to use it any time, free of charge. A few months later I was having a really stressful time and really felt like I needed to get away for a bit but I was skint. I asked my friend if there was any chance I could use the flat for a weekend. She said yes, I offered money, she said no. I went and was really really grateful to have a bit of space and time to think. I would hate to think that inside she was secretly seething at me and calling me a selfish taker etc! I thought it was a lovely thing to do and I will always be grateful.

ChocolateWombat · 10/03/2014 17:49

When you see the friend next, or when the cottage comes up in conversation, I would say in passing, that its fine for her to use it in July, but you're not going to be letting friends use it anymore, because you realise it's become much more if a home than you thought, and you hope she'll understand its nothing personal when you don't offer again.
At that point, she may ask if you are okay with her going in July. I would confirm it is fine for this last time and try to be really gracious and nice about it. Nothing worse than feeling a friend is doing you a favour ungraciously.

It will be over and done with then. If she ever asks again (and I'd be surprised) I'd just reiterate that it feels like your home now and it's nothing personal, but no. If she won't take no, I would simply point out that she needs to respect your decision.

workingtolive · 10/03/2014 17:52

I haven't read all your replies but all the people saying you have to let her in July are so wrong. Of course you don't and you shouldn't feel like you have to!
Friends understand, it's not a bad thing to change your mind but be honest with her. She has plenty of time to find an alternative.
Get some balls, ignore everyone that says you must. You can say no , if it were me I wouldn't want them in my bed/space either.

ChocolateWombat · 10/03/2014 17:58

I agree that is should be possible to say no to a friend. It should be possible to be totally honest about the reasons too.

I have some good friends that I could say 'yes' to and then later say 'no' to and be totally honest about the reasons. They would understand.

If you can't be honest though, I really don't think lying or making up reasons is the way forward. If the OP can't be honest, then letting this one go seems the right thing to do. It is one week, when they won't be there. It doesn't have to become a big deal. I think the OP is right to recognise she has said 'yes' and to honour her word. She won't say yes again.

This friendship increasingly seems like one which isn't very good. It's a shame if this drives a wedge between them, but it does sound like the relationship is on the rocks.....maybe moreso in the OPs mind, now this has happened than before.

Original poster
SoyYo · 10/03/2014 17:59

NewBeginnings it's not like that at all, I am a good friend. It's just that this time a boundary has been crossed. And it was my fault for not being firmer to start with.

I am attached to this friendship because of history, and would hate to upset. But I know I am being used, and it hurts...

OP posts:
Icimoi · 10/03/2014 17:59

I did offer and the offer was taken up and that was fine. But once taken up the polite thing to do is to wait to be offered again...not ask!

Not really. The way you describe it, you never suggested that it was a one-off offer.

I agree you should charge full whack for electricity and gas - can you take meter readings before and after? Also, some people who let out properties that they use for themselves have one locked room into which they shove all their personal stuff. Can you do anything like that?

ChocolateWombat · 10/03/2014 18:01

OP, you will have the comfort of knowing you have done the right thing. I think that counts for a lot.

comingintomyown · 10/03/2014 18:04

Don't feel like that or will spoil the nice thing you are doing

I would stop trying to read too much into it and call to mind that you did in fact offer for her to stay in your holiday home and chalk it up to experience . Remember what goes around
...

lainiekazan · 10/03/2014 18:05

It's sort of like when you see an old acquaintance/relative at a funeral, say, and casually toss out, "Oh, if you're ever in Poshton on Sea you must come and see us," and then to your horror three weeks later they announce they're coming to stay with you.

Some people either take things very literally or they find it advantageous to appear to do so.