In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

[SoyYo]

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

But you did say, whether in a moment of haste or not, that they were welcome to borrow it.

Maybe let them in July, but for future visits, ask for a contribution or just say no

TELL HER, none of this namby pamby bollocks of, 'Oh, would you mind terribly much . . . '. I'll need £200 for utilities, cleaning and insurance by X date for the holiday home.

Ian-she didn't ask, the OP offered, big difference.

Also my friendship is definitely worth a week in a holiday home, I'm a great mate

'One has to have a pretty high opinion of the excellence of one's company to presume that that is equal to the price of a week in someone's holiday property.'

Come on, that just sounds depressing and horrible. We're supposed to measure out the value of friendship like that? Are you a Premier Inn friend...or a holiday property one?

I hate it when people are so insincere. Why would you offer her use of your flat and then feel resentful?

Im a Holiday Villa in Tuscany mate

Give some people an inch and they will take a yard. As I said before, decent friends will know where to draw the line. You might help them with DIY or moving house as a one off, but to repeatedly do so, even though you know the help will be given, is just taking advantage of someone else's good nature.

Even though the offer was made, normal rules of politeness to me at least would dictate offering something of similar value in return. Or at least not expecting something greater the second time. A one off weekend in low season - not so bad. A whole week in high season, free holidays for their whole family, the next, when you have just finished decorating it - I don't think so.

Wouldn't they feel uncomfortable sleeping in your bed, free of charge, while you are at work? I know I would!

Of course you can just say no you're not renting it. I'd say something about difficulties with insurance as you are not covered for non family members staying. Or if she was paying difficulties with the tax implications.

Also, she doesn't 'keep asking,' one weekend last year and one week in july isn't really excessive imo especially as she is a friend and especially as YOU OFFERED

Wouldn't they feel uncomfortable sleeping in your bed, free of charge, while you are at work? I know I would!

THE OP OFFERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! …. and breathe…

Maybe your friend is a taker but maybe just believes nothing asked, nothing gained and takes no offence when rejected.

The problem is that some people ask but take offence at a knock back, some people feel incapable of saying no then feel taken advantage of and some people never ask for anything for fear of rejection and then feel resentful at unbalanced relationships.

I'm someone who feels awkward asking so often doesn't and also isn't very good at saying no then gets a bit resentful.

Thanks again. I never thought of the insurance angle...will check up on it.
BTW I am a good friend, aside from this particular little saga where I now regret, I do have them over for meals frequently, and provide thoughtful gifts for birthdays, Xmas, and not being invited for a meal once to hers in over two years. Oh I did get a jar of homemade mincemeat at Xmas which I accepted graciously even though the giver did know I never, ever bake. And I do get little "side comments" about my great job, my great home, etc, etc. and not just once.
But I have hung on because of shared history and sentimentality and I guess this is just the tip of the iceberg that none of you know.
In the end, you are right: I should have shut up so now I will put up one last time.
It doesn't help that I have poured some much sweat and onto the flat and definetely a case of not wanting to share my new bed.
I prefer not to mix friendships with business, and provided the insurance allows it, I will have to request a modest contribution to the running costs and will pre-warn her I have simply changed my mind about lending it out to anyone in the future. End of.
Thanks again for all who cared to answer.

gosh I've mixed up 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' and 'if you don't ask you don't get' in that post.

Either withdraw the offer or make to clear that it won't be available for her use in future. Or continue to be generous enough to let your friend stay there once per year. If I had a holiday home I would be happy for friends to stay there as long as they covered the costs for that period eg utilities

Look - imo OP wasn't insincere. She was excited about her new holiday home, shared that excitement with a good friend, and impulsively made a generous offer she now regrets. And she understands it will be awkward to renege.

OP - in your shoes, I'd let her stay in the summer because you did offer. But i'd also explain that, while she's getting the place at no cost, you'll need a reasonable contribution to cover utilities, insurance and other expenses associated with the running costs (and name a price - I think johnogroats has a good method). You are not looking to profit from your friend, but it also shouldn't cost you money to do her a favour.

Hopefully, she won't ask again - but if she does, simply say that you and dh have decided not to loan the house out in future. It may be awkward for a moment, but you don't need to explain more than that. And don't get into convoluted excuses and justifications. That is when it could go pear-shaped.

I think you should probably let the friendship drop OP - this totting up of favours and willingness to see the negative side (eg the mincemeat...) makes you sound like you resent her.

It just seems awfully unfair to offer something and then judge someone negatively when they take you up on it.

YABU. My parents are as precious as you about their holiday home which is why I never go there.

Your friend isn't using you. You offered to let her use the flat and when she asked if she could go there for a week you said yes! It would be unreasonable to go back on that now. In future, if she asks just say no as you may decide at the last minute that you want to go there yourself and you don't want to be restricted.

But I have hung on because of shared history and sentimentality and I guess this is just the tip of the iceberg that none of you know

Actually I guessed as much. I had a lovely friend, very personable, who asked me to help her out with professional services. I did so, willingly, and she thanked me. She then asked again, some months later, and I did so, less willingly, while at work. She then asked for a really big piece of work to be done free of charge, and I refused as it would have taken several days and shouldn't really have been done without professional indemnity insurance (unlike the other two pieces which were more general in nature). She huffed and puffed and posted on FB about how she had had to pay nearly £2000 to get the work done and how expensive it was. And the friendship was never the same again. She took offence.

And yes, like the OP's friend she has given up work because she doesn't like it, lives a great lifestyle and seems to have a whole host of people running around after her. We still talk, but I don't get invited to the same things any more (unless she is really short of someone to go with).

I think the OP's friend shares similar character traits - I recognise them. Its almost as if you have to somehow constantly prove your worth to bask in the greatness of her popularity. Most of her friends though are single older women who are perhaps lonely and glad to feel wanted.

Thankfully the rest of my friends don't behave like this - if they ask me to help out with something, they will always do something quite big in return, without being prompted.

When I opened this thread, I fully expected the OP to say that the friend was asking to borrow the vacation home all the time; one weekend a month or similar. However, I don't think twice is excessive. The offer ("if we are not using it, then you can borrow it") in no way implied that use would be limited to one time.

She asked, and the OP said yes. I think at this point, letting her borrow it is the right thing to do. It's not really fair to call her a "cheeky mare," since we have no idea how she would have reacted if the OP had said no, or said yes, with the caveat that the friend pay to stay there. She may have accepted either of those responses graciously. If the OP had said no, and the friend reacted badly, then she would have been cheeky. Asking to avail herself to an opportunity that was offered to her isn't really cheeky, IMO.

The OP is not being precious. She happily let the friend stay there last year. She simply does not want it to be a permanent arrangement as that was not what was offered.

OP isn't being precious. But she is being two-faced.

winklewomen- The OP is being precious because she doesn't want anyone to use the holiday home at all apart from herself (whether or not they pay, I assume).

Being precious in not wanting to give people free stays in her holiday home more than once eh? Whatever next?

The OP has actually already done what she said to the friend - allowed her to stay in it when she wasn't using it. The problem has arisen because the friend is pushing the limits of generosity, and is too insensitive or selfish to realise.

Thank you LessMissAbs. You get it.