In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

[SoyYo]

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

We have stayed in friends' holiday homes - after they offered.

Both only let friends and family stay and charge a set amount to cover running costs - £25 a night for the UK one and £50 for the one overseas (a villa with pool). This seems like a good arrangement, but both are happy to have other trusted people staying there, and have a list of do's and don'ts including replacing anything used.

OP - you need to be clear about your expectations with your friend rather than whinging about her on the internet. So, either apologise and say it's no longer available, or set out the ground rules and say you need £20 a night (or whatever) so you aren't out of pocket. And then say 'no' next time if you have decided to only stay there yourselves.

You offered, she took you up on it. Done.

Now she's asking again a year later. You don't have to say yes AGAIN. You are perfectly allowed to say "no" because you haven't actually invited her back and she's being cheeky.

Tell her sorry, your husband thought it was a one time thing last year and since then you've both agreed you will not lend it to friends and family, as the requests and hints were getting too numerous. Feelings were going to be hurt if X stayed but Y and Z couldn't, etc.

Also point out you can't afford to subsidize others' stay at your second home but you are uncomfortable asking for money. So it really is a regrettable "sorry, but no".

Perhaps you could make it pretty uncomfortable for them in the best passive aggressive style?

Eg a big plastic sheet covering the bed, Izal loo roll, cans of bed bug spray on bedside table, a few mousetraps dotted about...

You offered it! I don't think she's taking the piss at all, she's only asked twice. I wouldn't want to lend it out either tbh so I wouldn't have offered.

YABU. Is it fair to say that she 'keeps asking'? Trying to supress mirth at 'McJob done'.

'...expecting to freeload off us.'

You sound annoying and judgy.

Oh good call Sarah - yes, I like that, too many people are asking and it wouldn't be fair to let some use it and some not.

That's excellent.

I don't think this classes as "keeps asking". She is not at fault.

I think you could change your mind as long as you've only just said yes, and therefore could discover a date clash or somesuch.

But if you said yes a while back then it's tough.

Cover the beds with those waterproof sheets (towelling topped they are quite comfy) and tell them they have to take their own bedding (everything quilts pillows) we have had to do this in many a rented home and tbh it makes me sleep a little more soundly than if I used someone elses stuff.

I don't think she's done anything wrong. You need to find a way to say no.

There is a thread just now with MIL sabotage in the title. Maybe you could pick a few tips from that about how to put her off asking again...

You said "if we are not using it, you can borrow it". This implies that you were happy to have your house used by friends when you were not using it yourself. It does not mean "I will let you use it once, but don't ask again".

I REALLY don't think she is impolite to ask again, as she has no reason to know you have changed your mind.

You sound really upset about it OP, both about having other people stay in your holiday home, and at being put in an awkward position by a friend.

My experience of being asked to provide free stuff of quite high value to "friends" is that however nicely you decline, the friendship never recovers. Because the sort of friend that is prepared to ask for free stuff because of your friendship is a user, and if they realise future user potential in you is limited, it puts them off you.

She should know not to ask without offering to pay, or not to ask at all. She should have known to offer money for utilities before, not just a bottle of wine. These are basic social skills and I doubt she is unaware of them. She is taking the piss and since its clearly making you upset, I think you have to take the bull by the horns and just tell her "no". Whatever reason you provide is up to you.

I'd say you have rented it out and the money you get for it is paying for the mortgage on it.

Those who are saying op doesn't have to say yes a second time, that's true but she already has though.

I'd say you let someone else stay there for the weekend and they've wrecked it (kids writing on walls, spilling stuff on rugs, something not working, big gouge on the lino etc) so DH is saying it's just for us, really sorry about that but you've time to sort something else out by July, not much I can do, blah blah blah.

I don't think she is being UR to ask a second time. You said "if we are not using it" not "you may use it once and don't ask again." Not cheeky to ask when it's been offered.

Personally I would find it awkward asking for something like that and not paying towards expenses even if you'd said not to, so in that way she's being cheeky.

But my ILs wouldn't see it as an issue, they'd happily ask and stay giving perhaps a bunch of flowers as payment. The thing is though, if they had it to lend, they wouldn't expect payment either. So it's they way they would see friendship.

Just tell her the truth. And also tell her she will have to pay a fee if she wants it for a week. It's madness that you're stressing out about this. Grow a backbone and tell her.

Well just tell her it's not available anymore, or that you would like say a certain amount for utilities

I don't think she's a particular freeloader, you offered, she asked, you said yes!

Honestly, you sound a bit wet. Why offer something if you don't actually want to do it?

Is it the fact you don't want her staying there at all, or that she isn't contributing any cash?

If the second, just ring and say 'hope there want any misunderstanding, I'll need £300 'mates rates' for the week. Assume you're doing the clean and taking own bedding? If not it's another £50 for me to get it done.'

I agree with LessMissAbs - I think it's an unspoken rule that you don't ask to use people's holiday homes. I know a few people who have fallen out with family members - let alone friends - over this, and it's always the person wanting to stay for nothing who sees fit to take umbrage.

LessMissAbs Thank you. You understand what I am on about when I say I feel "used" but I do agree the friendship will not recover if I say "no" now, I do realise I should have said "no" second time round, and in my subtle way I hinted at it by saying we don't like to limit our flexibility anymore.
I never expected to feel this way when I made the original offer, guess I will have to be brutally honest for the next time.
I hate letting friends down, but it is crazy to feel resentful which will end up spoiling a friendship anyway.

Tabliope "I'd say you let someone else stay there for the weekend and they've wrecked it .............. so DH is saying it's just for us, really sorry about that but ........., not much I can do, blah blah blah."

I think that would be unfair to try to shift blame on OP's DH. None of this is his fault / responsibility - why should he come across as the bad guy?

I don't necessarily agree that the kind of friend who asks to use an expensive holiday home for free is a user. Friendships are normally reciprocal and both parties give and take. She would only be a user if the friendship relied on you giving snd her constantly taking!

You did offer, so the poor woman thinks this is okay.

That said, I would not want to make financial sacrifices that other people benefit from and I would hate other people to be sleeping in my bed, but I think that makes me a bit of a crap friend. Which is why I wouldn't have offered in the first place.

I think you might as well make an excuse and get out of it because you are only going to say no next time, which will impact on the friendship anyway.

You did offer and as you admit that was your mistake, but I think some of the comments above are too critical.
I think it would be entirely reasonable to add up the cost of running the place for a year, including the second mortgage and divide the total by 52. Tell her that it is only fair she should pay that amount for the week.

Was your dh there when you were cornered about this forthcoming week?

Could you use him as an excuse - that you should have cross checked with him and when you did, you discovered that he had already said some relatives could stay there then?

Alternatively say that when you checked your insurance for this year, you realised that it covers you there, or you and guests there, but it doesn't cover guests there without you, because that would effectively be then a rental property with commercial insurance. And that you really can't afford to pay for commercial insurance, especially as you're not planning on letting it out.

Although she may well have made plans, july is still a long way away, and there's plenty of time to make other plans - if she can't afford to because she has jacked in her job then that's not really your problem. You can't afford to subsidise her stay there.

If she does go then I would be tempted to go up the weekend before and remove all your bedding (to wash at home, obviously!), shower gel, personal stuff (have you got a lock box or something you could use up there?). Then you can tell her that she will need to take all her own stuff up with her.

And remembering an old thread on here - make sure she didn't get her own key cut... anybody else remember there was a thread where the neighbours had borrowed the holiday home (that was abroad - maybe Caribbean, Med?) and never mentioned it again. A couple of years later they discovered that they had subsequently been back at least once, if not more, times!