In feeling used by a friend who keeps asking to use our holiday flat

[SoyYo]

We bought a holiday flat very close to the beach. Only 1 1/2 drive from home so slowly over last year have been furnishing, doing it up lovingly, and mostly enjoying it mainly at weekends.
We don't want to rent it out, and have not told many people about it. It is costing us a second mortage but worth it as DH and I love it and finally after nearly a year of owning it swapped the blow up bed for a second hand (I re-painted it) bed and J.Lewis mattress last weekend (having made it a priority to get new beds for the second bedroom first so our late teens could sleep in comfort).

Problem is when we very first got it we did mention it to a couple of very close friends, who have been invited to stay with us over a few weekends. In a moment of flush generosity over a bottle of wine I mentioned to one of them "if we are not using it, then you can borrow it". She then asked to use it last year for a long weekend with her DH and daughters. Left me a couple of bottle of wines as a thank you.
Now again she has approached me to borrow it for a whole week in July! She knows we are both working and won't be using it till August for our summer holiday, though I did tell her we didn't want to limit our flexibility in using it specially over the summer months. She didn't take the hint though...
When she asked she didn't even offer a contribution for electricity/gas costs while she is there (though she will leave it clean and tidy and take her own bedlinen).

Having this flat has made us make other financial sacrifices.
I was caught by surprise, she is an old friend, and said yes again but now regretting it. My DH is not pleased either, viewing said friend as a cheeky mare who gave up her job recently due to "not enjoying it", making her economic situation tighter and now expecting to freeload off us.
The thought of other people sleeping in our bed, noseing through our things (we keep personal stuff as we don't want to rent it out) is making me feel very uncomfortable.
AIBU and selfish for feeling this way...it is my fault after all.
And if not how do I get out of it without spoiling an old friendship for ever...

What about saying you checked the small print on the insurance and as you're not sure that the place is insured if you're not there. Something vague about paying second home insurance as they know you're not there half the time and you pay a premium for that, but the 'holiday home' insurance was prohibitively expensive.

You'll have to say no until you check with your insurance policy and then fail to get around to doing it unless you are nagged, at which point they confirm that it's just for immediate family members use.

ex-post on the insurance excuse zipzap

YABU. Us she really a good friend, someone you want in your life? You talk about her as though you don't like her that much

Nothing about how you've described her makes her sound like a freeloader. How is she meant to know that you didn't mean what you said?

I'd ask for sufficient costs to cover not only the utilities/toilet roll/wear and tear and mortgage also. This time. Then at least you can feel you aren't out of pocket.

And I really wouldn't expect her to use my toiletries. Ever!

And next time the answer is no.

Yabu

You can hardly complain if you offered her the use of it!

Just ask her for a contribution for the week in July.

FFS. Grow a spine! 'Alwyas do sober what you said you'd do drunk. Tat will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' Ernest Hemingway

It is a moral dilemma. DH btw is fuming about me not "growing a backbone" as someone so eloquently put it above...he has witnessed this particular friendship over decades and his view is she has always been the "taker".

You are allowed to change your mind. It's a bit mean to do so but then it's also mean of your friend to expect to stay for free.

If it was me I would say she may stay for a week however you would expect a payment of £X to cover the bills whilst they are there. If she isn't happy with that then they don't stay.

In future do not play Lady Bountiful if you don't mean it!

Don't lie. Don't take the passive aggressive route. Don't give out subtle hints.

Just say, sorry this will be the last time as it has become a second home now rather than a holiday home and you feel a bit uncomfortable with other people staying there. I'm sure she will understand.

It really isn't a big deal.

I do not see why you cannot be honest with a long term friend.

Say that it does not work for you and DH.

She is a friend. Right?

Is she a 'taker' in your view?

And if someone said I could use their holiday home if they weren't there then unless they specifically said so then I would assume they meant just that, not 'you can use it just once.'

justmyview - Well, of course, she could ask her DH's permission if he minded her using him as the excuse but it makes it easier for her if he doesn't mind if it is her friend. Saves her a bit of embarrassment of being the one to say no. What a strange thing to pick up on. Hardly being the 'bad guy'.

YABU. I am the type of person who would offer free use of a holiday home to close friends, and unlike you I would mean it. Myself and close friends help each other out.I suspect your friend views friendship in this way.

I think some responses on this thread are really quite harsh. A bit of envy, perhaps?

OP, I think you should tell the truth, or a version of it. Tell her nicely that when you offered you had underestimated how expensive it would prove to run the second home and as such you can't really offer it rent free as you had previously thought - sorry about this but, etc. So if she still wants to use it would she mind terribly paying £[a sum that seems reasonable] to cover costs?

Oh and could she also get [name of local cleaner] in at the end of the week for [suitable number of hours] to get the place spotless again?

If she gets all arsy then she's a user. If she says yes fine OK no problem then at least you're all square.

If, on the other hand, this isn't about money at all but about your feeling territorial in your lovely holiday flat then you have two options: either 1) tell her no, you've realised that actually you feel like you're nesting all over again with this place and you'd rather keep it just for you and DH just for a bit or 2) lie, and invent a reason why her staying that week (or any week) won't be convenient.

Personally I'd probably go with the truth: you know it's not rational, and you're sorry to disappoint, but you've realised that right now you're just not comfortable with having others staying in your beloved flat while you're all nesty nesty about it, and so you're going to have to decline. If she's a good friend she'll probably be slightly miffed but will shrug her shoulders and think 'whevs', then go book another holiday.

I also would never rent a holiday home from a friend at the going rate. If you are paying a friend the market rate and there is a problem with the accomodation, it could cause major issues between you.

I would be wary about asking her to cover her costs or implying that is available for rent in any way. Your holiday home at mates rates is going to be significantly cheaper than an actual rental somewhere but now because you are making it a commercial relationship it actually makes it easier for her to ask again. Does that make sense?

That said - you have made your bed and you offered it.

I would send her a follow up email saying that "DH and I have agreed that you will not be renting out the cottage or lending it to friends due to restrictions on the mortgage/insurance and council tax, but also that we want to be able to use it every weekend especially during the summer months. I'm sure you can appreciate the impact that having a second mortgage and all the utilities is having on our finances, etc etc and we want to make the most of it . However, I realise that I did offer it to you [in vino veritas] and would not like to renege on the offer. You are more than welcome to come and stay on Tues-Fri am on week X. I hope you understand that we won't be in a position to offer it again in the future. Yours etc"

Alternatively tell her that "your MIL [the rotten old bag] is having the builders in and agreed with DH [without telling you] that she could decamp to the sea while they are around. You are praying that she will be gone in time for your own hols and you are simply furious as it is costing you a fortune to run a second house and she is totally taking advantage and not even offering to cover the utilties for 8 weeks at x00 per week."

I was wondering when the envy thing would come up

But some people don't have much to offer. I would never ask to borrow someone's holiday home, because I don't have one to reciprocate with! If I were able to say, "Do you want to swap my place in Provence with yours in Tuscany for a week?" then that would be a different matter.

One has to have a pretty high opinion of the excellence of one's company to presume that that is equal to the price of a week in someone's holiday property.

I would say you have to let it go this time, but shortly after her stay (before she even has time to consider asking again!) just ask her how everything was, then let her know that you won't be lending it to anyone again, as it is more of a second home, too personal etc.
That way, you can't be put on the spot, and if she does ask again, you will know that you are in the right.

Oh no, don't email her that's awful! just have a chat with her, she is your friend, isn't she?

I so prefer my friends who realise that friendship isn't about providing stuff for free and who wouldn't dream of using a holiday home, even if offered, for free, and definitely not more than once!

I think decent people have a notion of not profiting out of friends.

We have a holiday house, and although I don't want to rent it out commercially, I do want it used by family and friends, and so we rent it out word of mouth. We ask 350 / week - this is so that we can cover the local tax and insurance and utilities. This is definitely below market rate, but it means that we don't feel resentful when wine glasses break or the dishwasher needs fixing. I am upfront about this!

Regarding the insurance, ours cost about 100 initially. When I said we had friends to stay, it rocketed to about 400....if someone fell down your stairs and was seriously injured, they might have no option but to sue you....even if good friends. You do need insurance - look into it, and if necessary, extract yourself from the arrangement in July.

lainie - Different people have different ideas of friendship. Perfectly acceptable amongst my friends to stay at someone else's holiday house. Especially if the friend has offered it.

I am surprised sometimes on here about the shallowness of friendship so many seem to have. Myself and my DP have helped people physically move house, helped with DIY projects, cooked for loads of friends, etc. In my life, friends help each other out.

I don't think a weekend one year followed by a week the following year after it was offered makes anyone a "taker". If your DH should be irritated it should be with you getting excitable when pissed up and offering the place out to all comers!