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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why friends think you'd want to pay £500 each for a weekend to celebrate their birthday?

236 replies

Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 19:00

NC for this.

I've been pondering this for a while now.

Most of my friends are the same age and over the next few months we'll all turn 40.

One friend has planned a weekend away for her birthday which will cost £500 per person (not clear if it's a girly weekend or couples as she is single).

This isn't a joint celebration thing as she is inviting a lot of people outside of our circle iykswim.

Is it only me that thinks a birthday with a zero on the end is really just another birthday and if we all expected each other to fork out a grand per couple to celebrate each one we'd all be skint Hmm

OP posts:
slithytove · 10/03/2014 14:02

Thanks minty

sicily1921 · 10/03/2014 14:55

Sounds bloody ridiculous to me, YANBU.

fullerlonger · 10/03/2014 15:24

If you ask people to pay £500,you are potentially putting people in a place where they have to say that they cannot afford it. That is very bad manners.

Xenadog · 10/03/2014 15:48

OP I have an image of a little girl stamping her foot shouting: "It's sooo unfair!" when I read your posts. The reason for this is you object to the fact that your friend has the temerity to, off her own back, plan something quite big for her birthday. I suspect that you would have been happier had you been consulted about the weekend away (not just invited) and even more happier had the weekend away been for everyone and not just this person's birthday.

However your friend clearly wants to organise something which isn't a shared birthday celebration but one that is about her and that's fine. People can attend or not - it's not an issue surely? The whole issue about cost is a red herring anyway. Lots of people organise birthday weekends, hen/stag dos and even anniversary weekends away where "guests" have to self fund. It's how things are. You don't have to agree with it or even attend.

OP you sound incredibly jealous and unpleasant towards this other person. If I was your so called friend and knew you felt like this I would be making sure not to socialise with you again.

Sarahschuster · 10/03/2014 15:53

If you ask people to pay £500,you are potentially putting people in a place where they have to say that they cannot afford it. That is very bad manners.

Really not getting why this is bad manners. Sadly (IMO) we don't live in a socialist utopia where everybody has a similar amount of resources. Some people are better off than others. Does that really mean they should never have time away with friends because some of their friends can't afford it/don't have the time? All this whining is plainly about jealousy over money and/or jealousy over somebody being popular enough to do this sort of thing. If you don't have the money, or you don't have friends who would want to come away for your birthday, that shouldn't mean nobody should be able to enjoy themselves in the way they see fit.

Again, if your being harassed to go, that's a different matter. This doesn't seem to be the case here.

Sarahschuster · 10/03/2014 15:54

*you're.

KellyElly · 10/03/2014 15:55

If you ask people to pay £500,you are potentially putting people in a place where they have to say that they cannot afford it. That is very bad manners. I often tell my close friends that I can't afford to do something. As they are my close friends it's not embarrassing or upsetting, it's just how it is and everyone understands because we all have a pretty good idea of eachothers situations.

Bowlersarm · 10/03/2014 16:03

If you ask people to pay £500,you are potentially putting people in a place where they have to say that they cannot afford it. That is very bad manners.

The birthday girls hasn't put anyone in any place where they have to say they can't afford it. She sent an email asking those who wanted to go to forward the deposit so she could make the booking.

If you don't want to go you just say you can't - the OP can't go anyway - and you don't send a deposit.

I am really failing to understand why the OP's friend is seen to be so selfish and entitled (well, she isn't...) when all she has done is asked her friends whether they want to go with her for a nice weekend away to celebrate her birthday.

MaryWestmacott · 10/03/2014 16:38

See, any invite could course someone to say "sorry, I cna't afford it" you might not be able to afford to go for dinner, or for some drinks, unless you are going to pay for everyone else - which is very rare unless hosting at your own house - then noone would do anything.

I agree with Xenadog - it does sound like your nose has been put out of joint because your opinion on what the appropriate weekend away/celebration hasn't been consulted.

GarthsUncle · 10/03/2014 17:09

Another one baffled - you can say any old thing you like in response to an invite - "already got plans" "don't want to travel that far" "went there last year and don't fancy it again" "not one for me thanks but have a great time"

Evie2014 · 10/03/2014 17:30

OP is there any chance that the reason you're grumpy about this situation is that you are worried all the rest of your mutual friends will have spent their play money on this friend's birthday celebration and so won't have budget left over to do what YOU want when it comes to YOUR birthday? Given that there are so many birthdays this year including your own?

Just a thought. Don't mean to be combative.

kerala · 10/03/2014 17:59

Agree with the recent posters. A friend has asked you to join on a jolly to celebrate her birthday. What a bitch she is how very dare she! Honestly I have a tendency to over think but this op has taken it to new and impressive levels....

Comeatmefam · 10/03/2014 18:20

Yes, Kerala and others, exactly.

Myself and friends have been on loads of expensive birthday trips and weekends, it is always prefaced by a 'absolutely no obligation to come but... '.

No one has ever taken offence and I have felt no embarassment or awkwardness at saying 'Sorry would love to but no way can afford it this year/am pregnant/we're planning a big holiday later in the year' ie THE TRUTH!

I love an excuse to go abroad or do a luxe weekend now that I can afford it, for years I couldn't and I didn't go but was happy to see the pics and hear the tales!

Comeatmefam · 10/03/2014 18:22

In fact I told my friends I couldn't afford this and that and the other for about 10 years. No shame, no embarrassment. Now I have money and I can afford to do these events - sometimes I even pay for my skint friends as they did for me at times. Becuase, err, we are friends.

rookiemater · 10/03/2014 18:35

My friend is planning a weekend away for us to Madrid. Another friend said she couldn't come because it was 3 nights away and felt it was too long and also because she is saving up for our girls ski trip next year. She didn't seem upset or disappointed by this - it was a fact of life.

It would be a sad state of affairs if you could only ever go away dictated by the lowest amount affordable out of every single one of your group of friends. In fact for my hen do I probably achieved that and it showed in the lack of quality for our accommodation, but I was very keen to ensure no one felt excluded.

Just go or don't go OP, it's not like a hen do or wedding where there is some expectation around your attendance.

mustbetimefortea · 10/03/2014 19:08

It strikes me as the friend being very self centred. If there are all of you celebrating the same landmark birthday and it isn't possible for one big party is she expecting to pay that much for everyone's party? You might do it for one but all the others? Hmm.

What if one of the later birthdays wants to do something similar but then can't because no one has any money left. Hardly fair for them.

It's very hard to have to say that you can't afford it.

MaryWestmacott · 10/03/2014 19:15

Mustbe, if people don't want to outright "I can't afford it" there's always "sorry, we're not going to be able to join you, have a great time!" (Thereby not actually saying why, money or the dates not being free).

StrawberryMojito · 10/03/2014 19:29

OP, if you wanted to do something extravagant for your 40th, you could do it with your husband/children. Your friend is single...so she's asked her best friends instead...the bitch.

BuggersMuddle · 10/03/2014 19:52

Strawberry a very good point.

Also OP to be frank, I find your response that anyone who disagrees with you would seemingly automatically spend £1k on a friends birthday weekend equally disagreeable. You ask posters if they 'have' the money, almost as a challenge.

I do have the money. Having said that, I've said no to a night out that might cost me £100 if I didn't think I could prioritise it at the time. Can't say anyone has ever turned round and said 'Buggers you are a high earner so I am slighted' because my friends aren't arseholes.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 11/03/2014 07:32

For those of you who think I sound petulant or stroppy, I apologise.

I can assure you I politely declined the invitation as I am unable to attend and chose to seek opinions on here.

It's clear that opinions in this situation are divided however I still believe you should take your lead from what is the norm in your social group and this most certainly isn't the norm.

The other 6 of us have no intention of asking people to spend anything like £500 on one of our birthdays, it not something we've ever done before and we certainly can't afford to do it for all 7.

Group holidays where the venue is mutually agreed are quite different to one person deciding on a very random venue that none of us have any desire to go to.

As it turns out, from the 12 invitees, 7 have responded so far and all have declined so I wasn't in the minority in my views within our crowd.

OP posts:
GarthsUncle · 11/03/2014 07:36

7 people have declined may or may not mean 7 people were offended to be asked!

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 11/03/2014 07:51

I didn't say that they all had to be offended to have been asked.

I wasn't 'offended', I was annoyed that one person put the rest of us in a position where we had to turn something down because none of us wanted to spend that much to celebrate one persons birthday. Yes, in this instance I turned it down as I couldn't have gone anyway but I wouldn't have gone, even if I didn't have a prior engagement as I couldn't justify spending that much for one person.

I would have been up for a joint celebration at a mutually agreed venue but that is never what this was.

OP posts:
GarthsUncle · 11/03/2014 07:58

I shall rephrase - it didn't mean 7 people were annoyed to be asked!

GarthsUncle · 11/03/2014 08:00

You could suggest a joint celebration yourself if everyone from your group has declined (and it's possible of course that she did check with some of her other friends first as you said two groups were invited)

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 11/03/2014 08:05

It doesn't matter if they were annoyed or not, the fact is none of our 6 want to spend that on one person so have chosen not to go.

I have only spoken to one other person but she's spoken to the rest and they've all turned it down because they couldn't justify the excessive cost, which is so disproportionately required for one birthday, in what is already going to be an expensive year for birthdays.

OP posts:
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