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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why friends think you'd want to pay £500 each for a weekend to celebrate their birthday?

236 replies

Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 19:00

NC for this.

I've been pondering this for a while now.

Most of my friends are the same age and over the next few months we'll all turn 40.

One friend has planned a weekend away for her birthday which will cost £500 per person (not clear if it's a girly weekend or couples as she is single).

This isn't a joint celebration thing as she is inviting a lot of people outside of our circle iykswim.

Is it only me that thinks a birthday with a zero on the end is really just another birthday and if we all expected each other to fork out a grand per couple to celebrate each one we'd all be skint Hmm

OP posts:
NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 22:44

well maybe you've never been in her shoes, and maybe empathy is hard.
but imagine if you did have a really strong desire to spend your birthday in x place, with some or all of your friends. but you cant afford to pay for them all. would you think a) well i'll throw it out there and see who's up for it, if we can get a group together it might be a lot of fun. or b) i must never mention this to anyone.

Bowlersarm · 09/03/2014 22:45

Totally agree with NewBeginnings posts.

If you don't want to go, say you can't go. But it is not your prerogative to feel 'pissed off' over it.

Christ, I really hope people reading this thread don't re think any plans they may have about birthday parties/outings/weekends away, just because you have rejected this invitation in a stroppy manner.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 22:45

Are you sure it isn't

"It's my birthday and I want to do this for some unknown, random reason and I would like the 12 of you there, if you would like to come this is the cost, please send a deposit and ill book"

Granted she is being insensitive with costs, but she can do and invite who she pleases for her own birthday.

If she has made the wrong choices financially, the trip won't happen. So I can't see the problem.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 22:46

If she is one of a very good group of friends, perhaps you should cut her some slack? And realise she has the right to choose how she wants to celebrate her own very important milestone birthday, same as you.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 22:49

I couldn't see myself affording to host a trip away for myself and friends. But perhaps my DH would pay for a trip for me for my present, and suggests - see if others want to go to.

I dare say I would send a similar email. Perhaps with a caveat as to "no pressure I understand if you can't make it". But I really can't see the problem here.

Viviennemary · 09/03/2014 22:51

I don't think she has done anything wrong in wanting to celebrate her birthday in this way. I'm sure she doesn't expect everyone to go as there will be people who simply can't afford it or don't want to spend so much money on a weekend. You shouldn't feel any obligation to go.

thatswhatimtalkingbout · 09/03/2014 22:58

I am going to make a really pedantic point now about the difference between a "group day out / weekend out" and a "party in someone's honour where the invitations come from that person". In the first case, that's just like a trip to the seaside organised by the parish or the bowling club or something: someone floats an idea, gets enough vaguely positive responses to cost it out, comes back with a firm proposal and it's booked by those who are in and want to go (and pay). In the latter case, it's quite different and if you can't afford to properly host (ie pay) you should be very careful about what contribution you are asking your "guests" to make. I think this distinction is pedantic but important.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:59

Have you actually RTFT bowlersarm?

I haven't 'rejected this invitation in a stroppy manner'

I can't go due to a prior engagement but would have felt really awkward turning it down without my cast iron excuse and have posted on here to seek others opinions about the position my other friends (and potentially me without an excuse) have been put in.

nun that is exactly what it is, there is absolutely no reason, (any of us are aware of) why this venue has been chosen or why this one person has chosen to have such an expensive celebration when none of the rest of us have felt it was appropriate.

For what it it worth, the other invitees are work colleagues who are not mega rich either as birthday friend is in a strictly pay graded profession and the others are on a similar level.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 23:01

thats, this is most definitely the latter.

OP posts:
MajorGrinch · 09/03/2014 23:03

I don't see the fuss about "0" birthdays personally. I certainly think that asking people to spend a huge amount of money to come along on one is a little strange.

And a lot tacky.

But hey, each to their own....

alcibiades · 09/03/2014 23:03

She sounds like the equivalent of a bridezilla.

BuggersMuddle · 09/03/2014 23:14

Gosh OP you sound like hard work (as does your friendship group if you're all sniping about this).You've received an invitation, not a summons. Go or don't. Simple as that.

It's nice to be considerate of your friends circumstances, but if I tailored every meet up or celebration to 'suit' the majority of my friends I'd end up only seeing people on a Saturday afternoon in the local Brewer's Fayre. Grin

I really can't see how she is putting you in a predicament to be fair, unless you think she'll take a massive strop because people don't fancy it or can't justify the expense.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 23:19

I am genuinely astounded that so many people have £1,000 spare to spend at someone else's discretion for no more reason than a birthday (but I suspect the reality might be very different if they were in a similar situation.)

OP posts:
slithytove · 09/03/2014 23:32

I have no money to spare and some very wealthy friends. If 100% they knew I couldn't afford something, then yes, I would be not angry, but upset that they clearly didn't care enough if I was there or not.

However if they didn't know, then I wouldn't care enough to be angry. Especially if I knew my other friends would be in the same boat, and you say this is a close friend who has done this. I would just say I couldn't afford it, and hopefully when she had been told that enough times, it would change her plans.

OutragedFromLeeds · 09/03/2014 23:33

OP I don't know if you deliberately misunderstanding what people are saying or you have genuine trouble understanding? From the way you interpreted your friends email, I think it could be a genuine problem.

No-one has said they have 1000 to spend at someone elses discretion. What they do have is 1000 to spend on a weekend break with close friends.

Some people would want to go. The people that don't want to go would say 'no thank you'. The result being that the only people shelling out a 1000 are those who want to go away for a weekend with their friends.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 23:33

And I don't think you are bothering to read/understand the replies op if you believe that posters are saying they can spare the £1000 so it's not a problem.

It's an invite. It's not like she has made the booking in your name and told you you owe her a grand.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 23:34

Out of your uni group OP, how many of the rest of you have had your 40th so far?

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 23:36

nun, we all trained in the same profession (even the invitees our group don't know).

£1,000 isn't beyond our reach if we really wanted to do it but it would be a compromise for all of us and we all know that.

What has annoyed me is one person thinking that 'she's worth it' above everyone else.

If she'd said, how about us all going here since we all have a big birthday this year, then fair enough, but that is most definitely not what's happened.

OP posts:
Hopasholic · 09/03/2014 23:39

If one of my closest friends wanted to do this and I could afford it, I'd go without a shadow of a doubt, because well, they're a close friend, I love em, and I'd have a ball.

If someone I wasn't that close to sent me the same invite and I could afford to go, I'd politely decline as its a lot of money, not to mention precious time taken up. I'd just meet them for luch afterwards, give them a gift and hear all about it. No biggy.

OutragedFromLeeds · 09/03/2014 23:40

I love how you know everyone's financial situation because you all do the same job. I assume you all have exactly the same outgoings? And income is exactly the same? No-one has any inheritance or a dp that works?

slithytove · 09/03/2014 23:40

I just don't understand how that is the conclusion (she's worth it) unless there is something you aren't telling us. She will soon get the message when no one goes.

And it is a big deal birthday. If it's the first or second of the year, I don't see how the conclusion "none of the rest of us have felt it was appropriate" can be drawn unless you all discussed it in the past.

Is it not at all possible she likes the sound of this trip, thinks the compromise is worth it, and therefore believes her good friends of 20 years could feel the same way?

IMO not worth being annoyed at. You aren't going and it sounds like others aren't either.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 23:40

I understand the replies perfectly well nun

We are all 40 in the first 6 months of this year.

What I cannot understand or even begin to comprehend is why anyone would even contemplate that asking friends to shell out £1,000 for their birthday, ie a thing that happens every year, is acceptable.

OP posts:
Zucker · 09/03/2014 23:42

It'll be interesting to see her reaction if/when a bunch of you decline the invite.

I think it's a bit cheeky to organise something so expensive when quite a few of you also have landmark birthdays around the same time.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 23:42

True, different child care costs, different countries as you have said, inheritances, step children, elderly parents, uni fees, there is a massive amount of discrepancy which has maybe led your friend to believe this is affordable for all.

This would be closed minded yes, but again not worth your annoyance.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 23:43

Why has it gone up to £1000 from £500?

And, I think asking anyone to go on a trip for whatever reason and quoting a cost (taking into account you have said it is affordable and you all earn around the same) is acceptable.

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