To wonder why friends think you'd want to pay £500 each for a weekend to celebrate their birthday?

[Birthdayquery]

NC for this.

I've been pondering this for a while now.

Most of my friends are the same age and over the next few months we'll all turn 40.

One friend has planned a weekend away for her birthday which will cost £500 per person (not clear if it's a girly weekend or couples as she is single).

This isn't a joint celebration thing as she is inviting a lot of people outside of our circle iykswim.

Is it only me that thinks a birthday with a zero on the end is really just another birthday and if we all expected each other to fork out a grand per couple to celebrate each one we'd all be skint

I was quoting mw with the 'got my rage up' thing owl but I am annoyed about it.

I spent £300 going away for a friend's 30th. She and her other mate spent the entire weekend taking photos (new hobby apparently) while I stood around in the rain waiting for them. I was not impressed and would far rather have spent the money on a nice weekend with my DH! She didn't even thank me for going...

Birthdayquery. I can't always go at a drop of a hat. I said that in an earlier post. Doh!

I said I didn't go to Thailand. Not a big deal. Had a few drinks with mate instead and about 6 went away.

flipchart I guess different people have different priorities. I wouldn't even entertain going somewhere like Thailand on a 'mates' holiday- a European City maybe but that's about it.

But that's my point. I didn't entertain the idea! Others thought it was a great idea.

Horses for courses and all that!

Apparently the Thailand trip ended up being cheaper than the Spain trip!
Once they got there the accomadation was cheap, the food was cheap and they didn't pay much for nights out. With our Spain trip, lets say my current account got dented!

I did this for a significant birthday. A group of us, all mums, had been talking about taking a big break from kids and partners so my birthday was really the excuse we used to stop talking and do something about it. We went to Vegas for the week. As it was my birthday to say thank you I paid for a concert, a couple of meals and some outings.

It was fantastic but I guess the real clincher is that it was something we had discussed for many years, everyone wanted to do it and the birthday was the excuse rather than the real reason for the trip. I would not have expected anyone to come along if they could not do it and 5 years later we are all going away again to celebrate another of the group's birthday but that is only an excuse to go away on our own.

I turn 40 this year too. Anyone who thinks I can find even £50 to celebrate my own birthday, never mind someone else's isn't a close friend... it's well known I have two kids and am skint. Hasn't stopped people inviting me to parties a £50 train ticket and overnight accomodation away... it's frustrating.

What is not stroppy about your manner OP?

You keep arguing the same thing with each new poster who doesnt agree with you and keeping to your narrow, blinkered view no matter what is said. You keep using words like "pissed me right off" - you've said this at least three times - "(she has) an arrogant attitude", and you've called the posters on this thread who don't agree with you - approximately, ooh, about most of them - "entitled people".

Is that how you fear you are coming across OP, hence the NC?

what's NC? No criticism?

Is that a fair ask in AIBU?

NC = name changed.

I think the OP knows that her disagreeing with this is not attractive and that is why she has come here to talk about her annoyance anonymously.

But I don't blame her! I understand the annoyance. There are lots of different ways to slice it and they are all really hard to object to in public.

I can't bear people like this. I share a birthday with an acquaintance, we were both on maternity leave at the same time. At my extremely modestly festive baby-filled birthday lunch, at my house, which I arranged for "us" as her birthday was on the same day, she spent a large part of it in the garden arguing with and about a couple who had pulled out of some posh restaurant dinner she had planned for herself and her"real friends". She was furious that they said they "couldn't afford it" because she knew what they earnt and what their mortgage was! The arrogance was astonishing. I thought it was incredibly insensitive that she was making her drama about this such a big focus of the lunch which was my only birthday celebration and clearly didn't count. And I could understand that you would be hurt that people pulled out of something on the day, but couldn't believe that she was so comfortable sharing all this and making this drama so public and that she honestly felt justified in being annoyed. Hurt yes - annoyed, oh do fuck off. Going on about all fucking lunch? Shut the fuck up.

Anyway if I had said any of this I would have been the bad guy so I am ranting at you instead, 4 years later

And I totally get where the OP is coming from here. Everyone gets a birthday. No one can go away for 6 birthdays in one year at £1k a pop. So by proposing this, the OP's friend is implicitly elevating her birthday to higher status than everyone else's. She is obviously comfortable sending the message "my birthday is the most important" (which blows my mind) and if she was challenged on this would say "I didn't mean that, because you can do what you want for your birthday" without having the good sense to see that, no they can't, not after she has done this and used up the friends money, annual leave and family time on her birthday.

Of course you can't say any of this. Of course you can only go or not go. But I don't blame you for being annoyed. What you are annoyed about is something unmentionable - the knack some people have about making themselves top priority, and the cheek they have about their stuff being so special and important that is unreciprocated with your stuff.

Don't like people like that. Don't want to see people like that any more. Too tired.

But you see, for most of us, a birthday weekend away wouldn't have hte emotional baggage attached to it either - let's face it, I've turned down "destination weddings" (and weddings that were overseas not for "destination" reasons, just because one of the couple was from that country) - and that has a lot more baggage attached to it, I've never once thought "how dare they expect me to spend £2k to go to their wedding!" but thought "Nice to be asked, but I can't afford it, so I'll decline" in this case, the actual invite seems to offend you, particularly because it's about this person, not because it's a group trip. That suggests you don't think this person deserves to have an expensive, big trip and be the centre of attention - not enough for you to not just go, you think it's wrong to happen because it's about them .

Or are you the sort of person who feels they must say yes to every invite, so therefore feel there's an obligation to only issue invites if you are 100% certain the person you are inviting is able to and would want to do what you're inviting them to?

To me the most important birthdays I want to be around for and take part in areDH' and the children when they were small ( for what it's worth I will be on holiday for DS's 18th without him)

I have been friends with my closest friend for 30 years. Her dream was to go to Vegas for her 50th. I was invited but didn't go and she went with about 15 people from her local pub and circle of friends. I was bloody made up for her. That was her fantasy for years and she did it. I really didn't want to go to Vegas so had a meal out when she came back, my treat, and heard about the fab time she had.

I don't think her birthday would have been any better or worse if I had bee there.

I'm hoping to be in Peru for my 50th, with any one that cares to come along!

This is just bizarre. I get that you might not be able to go on an expensive weekend away. I get that if somebody is pressuring you into going then that's a problem. But I don't get the "rage" that accompanies a simple invitation. By this logic, nobody should ever ask their friends to go anywhere, as there may always be somebody who can't afford it/doesn't have the time. There is a lot of ranting about how "selfish" and "arrogant" the people doing the inviting are, but actually it seems the other way round to me. How arrogant to suggest that a friend should not celebrate in a way that they and others might enjoy just because you don't like the idea or can't afford it. Just say no to the invite, FFS.

I'm with you op.
Happy for the idea to be mooted as an option, but decided and delivered, putting people in an uncomfortable position saying no, would annoy me too.

• unless worded with a - would be lovely if you could join us, if you can, type wording.

It's all very theoretical and I would never say any of this in real life but it isn't just that you don't want to go, when things like this are annoying. It is also about things like this never being about me.

I accept that everything I do with other people will always be on their terms. When I really want to do something I do it by myself. When I really want to see someone I do the thing that they wanted to do. I am used to not being seen as important. I am used to not throwing my preferences into the mix and I am used to being made to feel bad and selfish if I do. This doesn't come from my friends, at least not the ones I have now, this is deeply programmed by my family and reinforced by being unpopular as a child.

All the people who are so relaxed about this probably imagine that one day this will be their trip, or it could be if they wanted to. I know that everything I do and everywhere I go will be based around someone else so I get a bit edgy about the balance between my desires and their resources. Because if I don't protect my resources there will be nothing left, there is no automatic reciprocal flow in when I get all the requests for pieces of me (money, time, smiley attention to something I am not all that interested in) to flow out.

It's fine to say "no thank you" and not make a big deal out of it. But every now and then a big, casually issued request makes you realise the gulf between how they see their position and how you see yours and whether consciously or not this can sting and this sting can be converted into annoyance or anger. It isn't fair because that person didn't make you the person that no one gives a shit about. It just rubs it in for a minute that you will always be the person that no one gives a shit about and it hurts and you blame them.

I think this kind of invite is unbearably naff and money grabbing. What's wrong with having 12 people round for dinner or a big meal out in a fab local pub? And the person having the party or inviting people should pay for the lot. That is good manners. Assuming people want to spend £500 on your birthday is rude and arrogant.

I think this kind of invite is unbearably naff and money grabbing. What's wrong with having 12 people round for dinner or a big meal out in a fab local pub? And the person having the party or inviting people should pay for the lot. That is good manners. Assuming people want to spend £500 on your birthday is rude and arrogant.

How on EARTH is it money grabbing? She's not asking people to pay for her, she's just inviting them on what may very well be a fun filled weekend away with friends! She isn't assuming people want to spend £500 on her birthday, she's ASKING them if they want to spend £500 on a weekend away.

And presumably by this warped logic, unless you can afford to pay for all your friends, you should never even go out for a meal for your birthday. MN truly brings out some weird attitudes.

But people aren't assuming you will spend £500 on their birthday. They are asking you if you want to be part of a trip which presumably you will enjoy as well.

Remember, there's always the 'thanks but no thanks' line you can use.
Works for me!

X post with Sara there!

YANBU if it is an expectation that you will go, not a request.

Just write a really nice email, saying that you're very sorry indeed but that you can't afford it at the moment. Good friends will understand.

OP, you really have your knickers in a twist about this.

As several posters said already, anybody that doesn't want to spend that money just politely declines and wish her a good time on the weekend. Or a cheeky decline, sorry I'm saving my money for my own 40th celebration. Whatever.

But it seems your main problem with this is more if a 'who does she think she is'.. Making her birthday so special, especially since there are 6 other celebrations in the same 6 months.

For what it's worth, I would only go if it fitted in with my own plans, both financially and time wise. I'm lucky that I could normally afford this, but chances of being free for an entire weekend are much less.
But if I could fit it in, it is something that I would enjoy very much.

Just let it go. Considering you can't make it anyway, it seems to have got you overly worked up.

OP - you sound like really hard work. And as for thinking any invites should be including partners - why? I'd say it's more normal for celebrate this kind of thing for a friend without partners. Often just the girls or the boys. How we normally don't anyway as one stays behind to look after the kids (and it's much more fun just being with your mates).