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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why friends think you'd want to pay £500 each for a weekend to celebrate their birthday?

236 replies

Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 19:00

NC for this.

I've been pondering this for a while now.

Most of my friends are the same age and over the next few months we'll all turn 40.

One friend has planned a weekend away for her birthday which will cost £500 per person (not clear if it's a girly weekend or couples as she is single).

This isn't a joint celebration thing as she is inviting a lot of people outside of our circle iykswim.

Is it only me that thinks a birthday with a zero on the end is really just another birthday and if we all expected each other to fork out a grand per couple to celebrate each one we'd all be skint Hmm

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 09/03/2014 22:08

I'm not quite sure why you are being so mean about your friend.

She hasn't been married, hasn't had a 'big' event where she is the focus.

Why the bloody hell shouldn't she plan a lovely weekend with her friends?

She is making you go. Just say no you can't make it.

Just because you don't want to go, don't assume that everyone else/her other friends feel the same way.

I'd definitely seriously consider going on any of my friends birthdays, if they invited me.

I love weekends away, and all the better with a group of friends.

ZanyMobster · 09/03/2014 22:12

In answer to your last question yes I would say that but not in an unkind way, I would just say I was saving for a family holiday or whatever but then my friends are pretty nice and would never hold it against me or any of the others for not going.

Kewcumber · 09/03/2014 22:13

I would be amazed that a good friend of mine would decide to do a weekend away that cost upwards of £300/400/500 unless they had already discussed it with a handful of people that they really wanted there and knew they'd be fine with it.

I would personally assume that the friend is question has discussed it with the people that she really wants there because otherwise if she's single she runs the risk of celebrating her 40th on her own! Sadly that means that you aren't one of the people she's checked with in advance... on the other hand I also think that gives you the perfect opportunity (if you weren't already doing something else) to say "so sorry I can't come I hope you have a lovely time".

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:14

I didn't say she hadn't been married bowlersarm I said she was single- very definitely not the same thing.

I apologise if I've come across as one of those OP's who can't accept they are actually BU, I just really haven't been convinced it is appropriate to expect your friends to stump up that kind of cash just because you want them to.

I'd have much preferred it if she'd just mentioned it in conversation rather than sending out a group e-mail which to me was tantamount to a summons.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 09/03/2014 22:15

I've never had a friend who's organised such an expensive birthday celebration (except for my sister who paid for everything). I have cheapskate friends Smile I think thats probably why we're friends Grin

NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 22:16

I honestly would just say I'm sorry I can't make it this year. Or something equally as bland. My friends are nice people, I know they won't interrogate me about why I'm not going, they will just say fair enough sorry you can't come. I don't understand the issue with saying no.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:19

kewcumber, this hasn't been discussed with any of the other 6 uni friends and we make up half of the invitees.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 09/03/2014 22:20

As someone who has been through many big birthdays, the most important thing to me was to have friends to celebrate with. I wouldn't have dreamt of excluding some just because they wouldn't be able to afford it.

I've actually got the hump with a friend who pointedly put on our invitation to her 50th this weekend (on the other side of London to where we live) "Please stay late, I have got the number of a good taxi firm". Well, yes, all good, but what about those of us who have to get back for the babysitter? She doesn't think of this because she has a live-in au pair.

Of course op can simply decline her friends invitation. But I get the feeling she would actually like to celebrate her birthday with her - its just the small matter of the enormous price tag. And, so, what is the point of organising a big do like this if only your rich mates can come?

Also - aibu is for when you feel you are NOT being unreasonable and you just want to check that you are right and everyone else is wrong.

OutragedFromLeeds · 09/03/2014 22:22

Yes. I wouldn't even mention the money, I'd just say 'no thank you, have a wonderful time and tell me all about it when you get back'.

I have done that, it was fine.

MaryWestmacott · 09/03/2014 22:22

Would you really say 'no I just don't want to spend that on your birthday'. - no, because that's not very nice way to word it. But I would say "sorry, can't afford it, but have a great time!" or "We're not going to be able to join you, but have a great time!" there's no need to be nasty.

But then I have been invited on expensive group holidays, some I've gone on (skiing in Whistler, a lot of fun!) and others I've said no. It's never meant any hard feelings or anyone upset. The only upsets have been caused by people faffing about and not saying one way or another.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 22:23

YANBU to wonder why.

But neither is she for issuing the invite. She can issue whatever invites she pleases.

Having said that, it does seem odd that this is coming out of the blue if it isn't the norm for your group. Especially if it is as demanding as you claim.

How do you know she expects you all to go?

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:24

Thanks mintyy.

I would like some kind of group celebration but I wouldn't have dreamed of suggesting this as my own exclusive celebration as I know not everyone could or would want to afford it.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 09/03/2014 22:27

I agree with mintyy - if she wants her friends there, then she should organise something that her friends can attend. If it's about her having a lovely glam weekend away, then that's something different.

One of my very close friends has organised an adults only long weekend away for her birthday. It's Saturday to Monday and I'm a single parent so I can't go. She's upset with me but I figure that if she really wanted me there, she wouldn't have planned something that's so difficult for me to attend.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:27

How do you know she expects you all to go?

Cos she sent an email asking those who want to go to forward her the deposit so she could make the booking...............

OP posts:
slithytove · 09/03/2014 22:29

That sounds like she is only referring to those who want to go though.

MaryWestmacott · 09/03/2014 22:30

That doesn't suggest for one minute she expects you to go - just that if you want to go, she needs the deposit!!!!

Lord, you've got yourself all wound up because she's asked if you can just confirm quickly and pay the deposit, so she knows you definately do want to go before she books! That suggests to me she thinks you might not want to go so only wants to book for those who definately will go and pay up - not faff about and then leave it late to confirm.

Honestly, that's not an expectation you will go, it's an invitation, but stating if you want to, you need to pay for it. That's perfectly reasonable.

slithytove · 09/03/2014 22:31

I can't really see the big deal.

"Hi all, I'm planning on doing this for my birthday it's here and costs this much. If you want to do it can you send me £ for a deposit and ill book"

Insensitive perhaps if she knows not all of you can afford. But worthy of annoyance, I don't think so.

winterhat · 09/03/2014 22:32

It seems odd to arrange a birthday party for your richest friends, rather than your closest friends.

Bowlersarm · 09/03/2014 22:32

Then she isn't expecting you to go. She is asking that those who want to go forward their deposit so she can make the booking. Which is very reasonable.

OutragedFromLeeds · 09/03/2014 22:33

Op I think you've fundamentally misunderstood what an invitation is. You keep saying she expects you to spend this money on her whim etc etc. That would be true if she had booked it and then sent you a bill. She hasn't. What she has done is invited you. An invitation is way of enquiring whether someone wants to join you. She is not expecting you to spend anything, she's asking if you want to. If you don't then you don't have to. As I've said, it's a very simple system.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:33

nun, there were 12 of us on the email, 6 knew nothing about her plans and none of those 6 know the other 6 so if she didn't want us to go she could have not invited any of us.

How does that translate to only wanting certain people to go?

OP posts:
OddFodd · 09/03/2014 22:36

But it's true what wintershat says - it's a party for her richest friends; not her closest ones.

NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 22:40

It could be that her closest friends are also her richest friends, and that doesnt make her a bitch either.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:41

I genuinely don't understand the mentality of 'I want to do this and if you want to join me and show me show much i mean to you, it will cost you this'

I guess I never will.

This isn't some random optional weekend away, it is how one of a very good group of friends has chosen to celebrate a significant milestone in her life.

OP posts:
slithytove · 09/03/2014 22:44

OP what do you mean about wanting certain people to go?

I didn't indicate that she only wanted a few of you there.

She has written that out of her invitees, can those who are up for it send deposit money. It seems normal.

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