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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why friends think you'd want to pay £500 each for a weekend to celebrate their birthday?

236 replies

Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 19:00

NC for this.

I've been pondering this for a while now.

Most of my friends are the same age and over the next few months we'll all turn 40.

One friend has planned a weekend away for her birthday which will cost £500 per person (not clear if it's a girly weekend or couples as she is single).

This isn't a joint celebration thing as she is inviting a lot of people outside of our circle iykswim.

Is it only me that thinks a birthday with a zero on the end is really just another birthday and if we all expected each other to fork out a grand per couple to celebrate each one we'd all be skint Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 21:27

Nb I'm not skint! I just am not rich enough to throw away £1k on someone else whim.

I'd love to know what you earn that makes you so adamant that my friend is not BU and that you'd happily toss away a grand on something you haven't even considered being part of your annual budget???

OP posts:
NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 21:29

I wouldn't! I just wanted have a major tantrum about saying sorry I can't join you but hope you have fun.
I'm not trying to say everyone has a spare holiday grand sitting around waiting to be spent, I'm saying I don't think she is unreasonable to ASK her friends if they'd like to go away for the weekend! They have every right to say no, for any reason at all, but she still is not being unreasonable to suggest it.

NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 21:30

Wouldn't not wanted!

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 21:34

We'll have to agree to disagree NB.

I'm not having a major tantrum, I'm pleased I have an excuse as I would have felt awkward turning it down just because I didn't want to go.

You'll never convince me asking someone to fork out £1k for something that is entirely of your choosing, is an acceptable thing for a friend to do- and I think you're in the minority with your views.

OP posts:
Boobz · 09/03/2014 21:38

Yes YABU.

NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 21:38

Well maybe I am in the minority, I can live with that :)
But I promise that I haven't adopted this stance just to be difficult, I genuinely have had some amazing experiences on trips that I never would have gone on if someone else hadn't suggested it for their birthday/hen whatever. So I would like friends to keep suggesting things as I know I can say no if it doesn't suit.
And I officially oppose the movement to stop people suggesting exciting birthday outings!

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 21:40

Care to elaborate boobz?

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 21:41

But it's not an exciting birthday outing NB it's a random weekend in the middle of nowhere made hugely expensive by its location Hmm

OP posts:
NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 21:45

But sometimes it's the being away with friends in a random location that makes it exciting/fun! I don't mean that we are always off doing something incredible - I mean spending time together away from home can, in itself, make some of the most amazing memories.

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 21:47

I see where you are coming from but I'd rather spend £1k on something I know I'll love than risking it on a random weekend I have had no choice in.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 09/03/2014 21:49

YANBU

I feel the same about expensive hen do's

AnyFucker · 09/03/2014 21:50

why did you post unless for an argument ?

you have made your mind up, so don't get arsey if people disagree

you are entitled to your opinion so own it and don't ask for other opinions if you are just going to get upset if people don't go along with you

NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 21:52

See I realise this probably sounds a bit obnoxious but I really love my friends, they crack me up. So I know if I spend a weekend with them, wherever it is, we will spend so much time laughing and having fun, that if I could afford it I would go anywhere they fancied.
But if I couldn't afford it, or it wasn't convenient for any reason, then I wouldn't hesitate to say no and I know they would be fine with that.

Boobz · 09/03/2014 21:55

I think it's a bit rich to be offended by a party invite which in essence is an excuse for a big party for all your mates to get together and have fun.

You, or any of your friends, have the option of saying "no, I'm afraid we have other commitments for the cash, but have an awesome time", or you have the option of going, if you have the spare cash and think it will be good fun.

My friends and I have done several of these birthday get togethers, holidays, hen dos etc... it makes life more fun, not less. Those who didn't come for whatever reason (sometimes money, sometimes children, sometimes something else), were not singled out or ostracized in the future. We're all grown ups and understand sometimes you can come, and sometimes you can't, and that's cool.

But if you don't think it would be worth the money, for want of a better phrase, then just say you have other things you need to budget for this year (I know you can't go anyway, but if you didn't have the wedding excuse....) and be nice about it. The idea of you and all of your other friends talking about it behind her back and saying your friend is being annoying in doing this ... I don't know, that seems a bit off and not very good-friend like.

Lighthousekeeping · 09/03/2014 21:55

I was thinking of going to New York for my 50th Blush I've given my friends four years notice if they fancy it. I'm hoping it will just be a nice break over what happens to be my birthday.

Mintyy · 09/03/2014 21:56

Yanbu op, of course not! How could anyone possibly argue that yabu?

NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 21:57

I'm in Lighthouse, I'm a birthday outing whore Grin

OutragedFromLeeds · 09/03/2014 21:58

Op this is AIBU. If you're absolutely sure you are not being unreasonable maybe you should ask MNHQ to move the thread somewhere else?

For the record, no-one has told you to tell her that she is out of order, because she isn't. She can arrange a trip to the moon for her 40th if she so wishes, she can invite who she likes, and those who don't fancy it/can't afford it can say no. Those that do fancy it/can afford it can go. That's how invitations work, it's a simple system.

Why don't you do her a favour and tell her not to invite you to any future social events as you believe she is arrogant and entitled for choosing a birthday celebration in a location you don't have any interest in visiting?

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 21:59

anyfucker I posted for opinions. My mind was made up by the fact I can't attend anyway but I was annoyed at the predicament other friends are in.

Many have agreed with me and those that don't haven't convinced me my stance is wrong.

Have you got a spare £1k lying around to chuck at someone else's whim?

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 09/03/2014 22:02

but OP, why do you feel the invite is somehow complusory?

Most people doing this sort of trip will assume people will only go if they want to. Why is the invite an insult? why is it wrong for her to want to do this, it's not like you have to go. Why is the very idea of a group of friends going away together wrong? It's not like a wedding where you might feel you have to go (but even then, I have declined invites that were logistically difficult or too expensive), it's a party invite.

I would assume that those going are doing so because they want to, I'd wonder why your other friends feel they have to go if they don't have a 'good excuse' - i've been invited on group holidays before, and "sorry, we're not going to join you, hope you have fun" was considered acceptable, it was ok to just not want to go.

Or is it that you feel that other people should only have fun ways you deem appropriate?

AnyFucker · 09/03/2014 22:03

no, I don't, but I wouldn't be arguing with strangers on t'internet about it Smile

MaryWestmacott · 09/03/2014 22:03

But what predicament - why don't they just say they don't want to go?

I don't have £1k to 'chuck at someone else's whim' - but I could spend £1k on a holiday I thought sounded fun. If I didn't, I'd say no (as I have to invites to other group holidays and some weddings that didn't suit for cost/logistics)

NewBeginings · 09/03/2014 22:04

Also she can't help the fact that her friends are Los turning 40 this year, I'm sure if she suggested a big trip away for her 39th or 41st you still would have been annoyed with her. So the only way she could keep you happy would be to never suggest doing something that she wants to do on her birthday. Is that honestly how you want to make your friends feel?

Original poster
Birthdayquery · 09/03/2014 22:07

This isn't one of those unanimous OP is BU threads, people clearly have differing opinions but I'd really like to know honestly what those who think IABU would do if they were put in the position where a very good friend asked you to lay out a huge some of money on their say so. Would you really say 'no I just don't want to spend that on your birthday'.

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 09/03/2014 22:08

YABU, lots of my friends have organised weekends away or trips similar to this and sometimes I have been able to go depending on leave from work, childcare or money and other times not. I have always felt privileged to be asked. I can't see how it's rude to invite people to something like this as long as there is no issue if people can't go, it's a totally valid reason to want to spend £1k on something else and most people would understand this.

However I do think it is odd not to organise a joint thing with so many of you turning 40 but then again you have said this isn't possible so maybe that is why she has done it.

YAalsoBU to come on AIBU and not actually want to hear people's opinions unless they agree with you