To wonder why friends think you'd want to pay £500 each for a weekend to celebrate their birthday?

[Birthdayquery]

NC for this.

I've been pondering this for a while now.

Most of my friends are the same age and over the next few months we'll all turn 40.

One friend has planned a weekend away for her birthday which will cost £500 per person (not clear if it's a girly weekend or couples as she is single).

This isn't a joint celebration thing as she is inviting a lot of people outside of our circle iykswim.

Is it only me that thinks a birthday with a zero on the end is really just another birthday and if we all expected each other to fork out a grand per couple to celebrate each one we'd all be skint

But that's my point newbeginings as I said, a group of us are 40 in fairly quick succession and one person has bounded in, without any prior discussion, and suggested this for her, and hers alone, birthday, and it has pissed me right off.

Who's going to pick the first option though NewBeginings? I'd feel I would look stingy if I picked fish & chips even if it's what I would prefer and could afford. Who really feels able to stand up among a group and say no, I'm not paying that to celebrate your birthday?

Well op it doesn't sound like she worded it very nicely in that case. But assuming that she is a friend and I actually LIKE her I would give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she meant you're welcome to join me. Obviously if she's a dick and I didn't like her I wouldn't even contemplate going.
And by the sounds of it you couldn't afford to do the birthday weekend without compromising your family holiday budget, in which case 'I can't afford it' still applies.
If you have pots and pots of money and the weekend away would have zero impact on anything else then I guess I would just be honest and say I just don't fancy it so will give it a miss but hope you have fun.

Thanks New ..... it was all quite shocking really. I used to think these women were lovely, but perhaps they just couldn't comprehend exactly how hard it was to be a single mum, earning less than them anyway, and maybe they thought I was making excuses, being stand offish or whatever - I dunno ......

I have been on the opposite side too back in the day when I had money to spare - I had another good friend who was really on her uppers thanks to a bastard ex leaving her in the lurch and I'd have never embarrassed her or put her on the spot by asking her to do something beyond her reach. So we either did very cheap or free stuff, or I treated her (which she wouldn't accept very often). So yeah, it hurt when other people didn't show me the same consideration ...... I mean, how welcome is an invitation to spend 100s when your friends know you're driving a 15 year old banger car (to get to work), when they know you haven't had a holiday for years and when you live in a dump (not by choice) ? ...... but hey, £300 for someone else's 30th, no problem ! Yet at the same time, of course you want to share your friend's special day so it all feels a bit pants TBH.

I had two friends who decided to do a joint celebration for a birthday (not a special one) by hiring a cottage/villa with a hot tub etc and automatically assuming everyone had £100 to share the rental cost not including travel, drinks, food etc. Some of us just couldn't afford it so couldn't go, we were berated for causing the cost for everyone else to go up

But seriously newbegining how many of us in the real world can say spending £1,000 on a weekend you wouldn't have chosen would have 'zero impact on anything else'

That's what has pissed me off, it isn't an insignificant amount for any of us and it will involve compromises for all of us therefore I don't think she should have even considered it.

I adored my 40th birthday, it was one of the most fun nights I ever expect to have, and a lot of the fun was the people who all came along and made the effort to be there. It wouldn't have been much fun if only a couple of people had been able to afford it. I won't describe it because when I try to do so it sounds like a Mumsnet competitive poverty description but let's just say the biggest expense was the iTunes outlay for the playlist.

I agree it's quite hard to say 'I could, just about, afford to go, but tbh I would rather spend that money on my own family'. So don't explain - just say 'Oh wow it sounds absolutely amazing. I'm going to have to pass on this one, but can't wait to catch up later and see the photos'.

Since you're all turning 40 this year, try to let this one go. Have a cheap and cheerful event yourself, and tbh it will be your event that is the one people talk about.

catsmother _ I understand what you are saying. Similar happened to me when my kids were young. The good friends made time for me and did what I could - the chocs and wine on the sofa type of thing - the others drifted away. Still friends with the good friends and when I can I love to be able to do something expensive and special with them - just not as often I used to.

Op what would you have rather she did? Assuming that this is something that she would genuinely like to do for her 40th and that she hasn't just suggested it to annoy you. Should she have just kept quiet and never mentioned it? Should she have put it to a group vote first to see if people thought it was ok? Or should she just do what she has done and invite people? As I keep saying, if people vote with their feet and say no then she will have to do something else. But if people are up for it then they will go and have a good time and what's wrong with that? It does not prevent other people making suggestions for their birthdays, but I don't see why she had to get it agreed by you before she sent the email out.

Are you annoyed because other people will go and have fun and you can't be there??

If people don't like the compromises they would have to make to go, they won't go. As far as we know she has not put a gun to anyone's head.

Not at all NB I actually don't think many people will choose to go. I have spoken to other friends who are all annoyed about it but don't have an excuse to get out of it like I do.

It's certainly not a life long ambition thing she's doing- it's just a random weekend in a random hotel of her choosing.

if she'd said, 'I fancy doing this what do you think' in general conversation then fine but this was an email request to make a decision now so she can book and it'll cost you this.

If it were to do something I wanted to do then I'd go. If it wasn't then I wouldn't.

I'd see it as a great weekend/or not with friends, rather than specifically as a birthday thing.

I really fail to see why people get their knickers in a twist over invites like this? If you want to go and can afford to then you go, if you can't or don't want to then you don't. I don't see the what's the big deal?

joysmum Do you really not see a problem with asking friends to spend £1,000 on one weekend which is entirely of your choosing and for your birthday alone, when several of us will be celebrating the same occasion in a short space of time

I've come to the conclusion on this thread that there are entitled people who think its appropriate to put their friends in a predicament of choosing to spend significant sums of money at their request and there are people who I would prefer to be friends with.

I don't understand why something like this would annoy someone.

Many of my friends like to travel, they enjoy good food & new adventures. So this is the type of activity that is organised amongst our friends group quite often. I go when/if I can afford it because I enjoy the company of my friends & usually enjoy the same activities and if I like the location of the event & activities that will be involved. If I can't afford/don't like it or just be bothered, then I don't go. It's really simple, my friends are the same with their decision making process & no one takes it personally if someone can't make it.

You are not expected to fork out the cash, it is simply an invitation to be included. If it doesn't suit you for any reason, just don't go.

teacher organising this kind of thing as a random weekend is, IMO, very different to saying to a group of close friends 'this is how I want you to celebrate my special birthday'. There is an element of emotional blackmail in the latter which isn't relevant to the former.

Op do you really like this person, and care about her? It just doesn't sound like you see her as much of a friend. If you really would not want to be friends with someone, who is otherwise a happy and positive part of your life, because they had the audacity to ask you to go away for their birthday with them, the quite frankly I'm surprised that you have any friends at all!
What's the boundary op where you stop being friends with them...they suggest a trip to the theatre? With tickets and transport and food that could be well over £200 per couple? What about a day at the spa? Or a fancy restuarant?
Perhaps you should circulate a list of acceptable birthday activities to your friends, so they know that they are making a friendship breaking decision when they invite you to do something?

I think it shows a huge amount of self-absorption to ask your friends to spend that amount of money to come and celebrate your birthday with you, in my opinion.

But then I am old-fashioned enough to disapprove of the concept of stag and hen events that involve huge expenditure by the guests, and several days away, maybe abroad, followed fairly shortly by a wedding that might also involve travel and overnight stays.

Some people are just so self indulgent. I have never understood why some go quite so bonkers over their birthdays. A friend of our pressured about 10 people to fly to Palma to celebrate her 40th. They had to pay everything except one dinner which she never let them forget.

I can't be bothered to argue with you anymore newbeginings. The person in question is a very good friend but I am astounded she thinks we can spend that kind of money on one weekend to celebrate her birthday when there are another 6 of us who will celebrate the same occasion around the same time.

You are clearly of the opinion that it is appropriate to put people in that position- I disagree.

As I've said, random weekends away or nights out are always optional, if you fancy it you go, if you don't, you don't.

As soon as you put the emotional blackmail of an important occasion into the mix, the decision is not so easy.

I would suggest either your friends have a significantly higher disposable income to mine or you have similarly pissed people off by thinking they'll be happy to fork out a significant sum of money at your whim.

You say there are 7 of you turning 40 this year - so why not jump in and say 'Hey, everyone, why don't we combine our big-four-oh celebrations and all get together for a nice weekend! Unfortunately I would not be able to make the one X has suggested because of a prior family commitment but how about we look at a date in the summer and book somewhere central and we can all be together for that!' Then those who want to do the expensive thing can, and those who think like you will, I bet, suddenly realise that the date/place you propose would be much better for them...

I went to Thailand for a friends 40th. She invited me, I thought bugger it I haven't had a decent holiday in years, so I went. It was amazing. Of course the whole trip wasn't about her birthday, that was just a good excuse for a cracking holiday.
I think it would a be sad world if no friends ever felt they could suggest doing something special, whether for their birthday or not. If they never suggest it, it will never happen. Whereas if they do suggest it, it might happen and they might have an amazing time. Who doesn't want to have an amazing time when the opportunity arises??

And no, I wouldn't and couldn't pay £1000 for a birthday weekend away. That's the budget for our family holiday this year. Even when I had a higher income I wouldn't have spent that much on a weekend, nor expected others to. My hen weekend involved train fare and going out money as we stayed at a friend's place.

Sadly not op, despite appearances on this thread I'm not actually a big fan of organising stuff for my own birthday, can't be arsed with it as don't really like being the centre of attention and hate organising things.
But I love it when it's someone else's birthday and they come up with a great idea and I go along and have a fab time, I love that.
When I have been too skint to join in I have never found it hard to say no I'm not coming, my friends aren't horrible they wouldn't be cross with me for being skint!

everything I think the reason we haven't planned a group celebration is that we're all in different positions; one person works abroad, 2 are single and only 3 have children.

It's like an unwritten rule that we'd all do our own thing and continue to meet up for our nights out when we could.

See, if I know someone doing this, I'd assume they'd sounded out a couple of people first, so everyone else will have an invite, but don't need to come.

for the others who "don't have an excuse" the fact it's £500 should be the excuse "sorry, we can't afford it, but have a great time!" or "we're not going to make it, hope you all have fun!" would do. If that wouldn't do for her, then she's not really the sort of person you want to be friends with anyway...