AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

YANBU

Your name, your choice. Simple.

So why would we address a person face to face as dr rather than use their name if they have a PHD? I doubt you would, the point of the thread was about how the OP wanted to be addressed on written correspondence when someone was using her title.

There are several Drs in our family I never think to address them Dr on cards etc, I don't address my Great Uncle's (who is a vicar) Christmas card to The Reverend either.
I know them as the relation or friend first.

Because of all this angst stuff, my mum only ever addresses cards to first name /last name... no Mr or Mrs or Miss or Ms or Dr or Lord or whatever... because she got a right telling off from a cousin's wife once... and she never addresses ANYTHING to cousin's wife any more, just to cousin.

I do actually use Mrs Marriedname but I still hate being addressed by DH first name or initials. It's really old fashioned and I find it rude. My MIL is the main culprit for doing this and I do think it's to make a point to me. If I address a letter to a married couple I usually write Mr and Mrs Familyname or Mr Hisname and Ms Hername depending.

OP here… worth pointing out that NO-ONE is arguing that they should be called ‘Dr’ face to face socially, or indeed on cards.

See I quite like addressing cards using titles. It feels somehow like I've made more effort, somehow.

I make bloody sure I use the correct form, though.

YANBU, but you know you're not.

I wrote 'not known at this address' on the envelopes, personally. I have no problem at all with people too thoughtless or dim to realise that erasing both my names and my professional title because I got married being made aware of my annoyance.

I do also ask friends soon after marriage whether they are keeping or changing their name so that I can be sure to address them by the correct name if it hasn't been mentioned at that point.

KellyElly do you think all correspondence should be addressed with the title Dr if a person has a PHD?

Oh, am perfectly happy to be Firstname Surname on envelopes, obviously.

Dr Anderson - may I call you Sarah?

I have a DPhil and work as an academic, KellyElly, so yes, of course. 'Dr' is my professional title, just as it is for the gynaecologist whose mail still keeps coming to our house despite having moved away seven years ago.

Animation Not from your close family but for instance on a formal invite I would expect it to be addressed to Mr x and Dr x as that is her title. Certainly always in business correspondence and from letters from your children's school for example. I'm not a Dr myself btw, in case you think I'm projecting

I think the strength of your reaction is the unreasonable bit, OP (and others who say they would be 'incandescent', return to sender, etc).

I'm a Ms MaidenName - I kept my maiden name because of my strong feminist views. However, I receive post in all formulations and open all of it as normal without my blood pressure rising. Because there are other ways of addressing people that are socially acceptable and I don't expct my DH's 80yo aunt to be as down with socio-polical changes as I am. It's just nice that she thought of me. And I can change the world without insulting her or making her feel as though she insulted me when it is patently obvious she had no intention to.

Use your name as you want to. Give it over the phone, in 'fill out' boxes, in signatures. Address others as they want to be addressed. But FGS cut other people and yourself some slack by getting this in proportion. (Freaking out over this is indicative of something else and if I were your friend in RL I'd be asking you what was really wrong and whether something else was gong on that would make you so sensitive.) And, like I say, I'm a got-the-shirt feminist.

I'm with you on avoiding unnecessary use of titles, flowery. If someone knows me well enough to send me a card, I'd be rather taken aback if they addressed me as Dr Badbride, or indeed, as Ms Badbride. Firstname Lastname seems more appropriate.

As for whether "Dr" is an appropriate title for use in social settings: that's an interesting question. For me, it's more of a vocational title than a professional one: the reason I have a PhD is because I am a massive nerd who lives and breathes science. It's my calling. So if someone insists on using a title for me, Dr is the one that describes me best, rather like the way "Revd" or "Father" would be used for a member of the clergy.

I'm equally happy with Ms. But asking people to use "Ms" somehow seems to label me as an uppity woman in the eyes of the eye-rollers. If I'm going to be uppity/ up myself, why not go the whole hog and insist on the PhD?

"It's DR Queen B*tch of the Universe, actually"

My Ex's sister used to get her pants in a twist if we addressed envelopes as Mr & Mrs A Awkwardbitch - even though their initials were the same. It had to be Mr A Awkwardbitch and Mrs A Awkwardbitch.

I didn't even waste my brain cells trying to understand.

If anyone wants to send me a cheque I don't care what name it says on the envelope by the way!

Agree with the OP. I don't open mail addressed to me as Mrs DPsurname. I'll open things in my own name. I don't throw the mail out though, I pass it on to DP if it's from any of his relatives (sometimes they do that).

Or otherwise it'll be junk mail/advertising. Noone in my real life would ever (dare) address mail to me like that. If they know me, they'll probably know my feminist leanings.

I am a Dr too but find it a bit odd to be addressed like that apart from at work or from the bank. if friends use it I find it weird, but similarly Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss from friends is weird and over-formal. Titles not necessary among friends, IMO.

YABU - and a bit precious tbh. When DH and I married we wanted to take my fab surname instead of his dreadful one but his children have his surname and my ds has my surname and we didn't want anyone to feel left out (or to change any of the dc's names). We made a massive point of telling everyone that despite hating wanky double barrel names, we were willing to sacrifice our own self respect for the sake of including our children (DSC's mother has reverted to maiden name). The vicar announced us as Mr and Mrs Awesomename-Shitname, we even had some personalised notecards with our new address on for thank you letters. Despite all this I have received very few correctly addressed letters since marrying DH. I got over it quite quickly though - we have a running joke of how badly the letters are addressed today.
I do occasionally want to headbutt my FIL for calling me Mrs Shitname to my face as he is clearly a twat just doing it to get a raise out of me.
I am sure that everyone is well meaning, or they wouldn't send you anything at all. Don't be so mean and ungrateful.

I'd go bonkers as well. But I am easily, and often irrationally, irritated .

My 'favourite' one was when a relative sent me a letter addressed to Mrs [ExH First Name] [ExH Surname]. Said relative is very 'proper' and technically she may be correct (but even if this is the case I don't recall opting into this outdated and sexist convention). But I was in a new relationship at the time, and was actually living with the guy, and she knew this, so it seemed like an extremely strange thing for her to do.

actually floggingmolly we both tend to get around a bit (not medical doctors but academic ones you see) so it's not that uncommon to be sending things to each other through the post while we're away. But anyway, the clue was in the ";-)" We could for fun call each other Dr Pietrap and Dr Burpalot...

By all means throw all the post away but then don't moan when you get negative consequences from this. As it clearly bothers you so much I suggest you get some note cards and write to everyone who offends you so much telling them how you want the envelopes addressed.

I commiserate, but your current silent seethe approach is only increasing your resentment. There doesn't seem much point keeping your name then never telling people you've kept your name when they assume you've changed it. The title thing is more annoying though-why would you work to earn 'Dr.' then drop it for 'Mrs'? You have to keep telling people, as politely as you can manage, that you are still Dr. [First name][Maiden name].

"I will get married, and then take grave offense at people addressing me in a traditional way as if I am married"

Great trick in finding offense to be angry at, have to admire that one.