AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

[firesidechat]

Isn't this just a throwback to slightly old fashioned etiquette?

When the older generation die off then this will probably stop. Problem solved.

YABU.

[AddToBasket]

But don't you think self-righteous stomping and chucking letters away is self-defeating? Bitterness and unhappiness seem to be a discernible feature of the person complaining far more than chauvinism seems to be a trait of the sender. (Yes, I know there are wind-up FiL types and I'm not talking about them, just about people who address envelopes in an old-fashioned way).

I was a bit sad when at my DB's wedding he had listed me on the table plan as Married Name - I wanted to be in Team Basket at a family occasion - but he meant nothing by it. Should I have chucked the table plan in the bin? Been 'incandescent'?!

Sometimes things require a response, sometimes they don't. How you are recorded on company stationery is important; a hissy fit about how you're addressed on birthday cards is diva-ish.

[motherinferior]

Newsflash, Cloak: women have been retaining their original surnames for quite some time now on marriage.

[Poledra]

Actually, re using Dr on cards - the people who are most scrupulous about using Dr on any correspondence (including cards) to DH and I are our mothers - they're so fucking proud of us

[MaidOfStars]

I am the same as you, OP. Dr First name Maiden name. Perhaps I'm less annoyed about receiving mail addressed incorrectly though

A thought though...what's the legal position here. If you get a formal letter incorrectly addressed, are you allowed to ignore it?

[HannahHorvath]

Whatever it is that you want/should/deserve to be called, surely most of the time these things happen, it is just out of habit?
As a pp said, I'm sure most people just don't have that much time, to worry about these things.
People make mistakes all the time, but what is the intention behind the correspondence? If it is purely to wind you up then fine, react. But otherwise, I do think you are putting far too much emphasis on this.

My dd name is often spelt incorrectly, as is mine. My dd has her fathers name. We're not married. Many people (family) assume she has same surname as me (my maiden name). Many people assume that I am married and carry my (now) exP name.

Does it slightly irritate? Yes. For about 10 seconds, then I get over it.

There are far more important/stressful things to worry about.

Address the issue if it bothers you that much. But throwing things away and frankly caring this much, does suggest, you need to write yourself a prescription for 1 extra large chill pill.

As for title? When, other than in a professional capacity, does it actually matter, regardless of what your rights/wishes are, out of interest?

Unless you were my doctor. I certainly wouldn't refer to you as Dr Sarah Anderson. It would be Sarah Anderson. (In our surgery it's first name terms btw)

[AddToBasket]

Maid of Stars - you wouldn't be allowed to ignore it if it were anything you would recognise as applying to you.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

So, you deal with the perceived rudeness of others for addressing your cards & presents incorrectly (although, as others have said, it is correct in a rather outdated etiquette sort of way), by the out and out extreme rudeness of throwing things in the bin?

Why do you want people addressing non-profession related post to "Dr" anyway? I have two Drs in my immediate family - birthday cards & the like are just addressed to 'First Name Last Name'. Is that offensive too?

[Animation]

'Unless you were my doctor. I certainly wouldn't refer to you as Dr Sarah Anderson. It would be Sarah Anderson. (In our surgery it's first name terms btw)'

The good thing about friends and family (and mumsnetters) is that they keep you grounded - there's no room for Doctorship airs and graces!

[Burren]

What on earth is so hard to understand about preferring to use a hard-earned, gender-neutral professional title to a title that indicates your marital status and deletes your own name, when a title is used?

I assume the OP doesn't expect to be addressed as Dr X Y by her parents on the envelope of a birthday card, but it's hardly unreasonable to be annoyed that a friend or family member who could just put Firstname Lastname on an envelope chooses instead to put Mrs Husband's Initial Husband'sLastname.

[HannahHorvath]

What on earth is so hard to understand about preferring to use a hard-earned, gender-neutral professional title to a title that indicates your marital status and deletes your own name, when a title is used?

Think most responses are not disputing the right or the want. Purely the reaction to it not happening.

[gamerchick]

yes.. chucking a hissy fit over it makes a person look a bit unhinged.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

isn't this just a throwback to slightly old fashioned etiquette? When the older generation die off then this will probably stop. Problem solved.

My SiL is only 40. I've got a long wait :(

[kentishgirl]

The reaction sounds OTT but it does get so damn annoying. Not so much from the little old ladies or people you haven't told, but those who know, and don't give a shit about calling you the right name.

No one seems to have a problem contacting a non married couple with two names. So why the sudden mental incapacity when it comes to a married couple with two names? I'm living with OH (unmarried) and all our Christmas cards came through with the correct two different names on. No one accidentally changed my surname to his. No one accidentally changed his surname to mine. So it's not hard. If people have been told what your names are after marriage, it's no different to that situation. If they refuse to call you the right names it's a deliberate protest against what you are doing - and that's damn rude.

When I was married I kept my own name. Most people managed with that just fine, including elderly relatives. Those who didn't, were doing it on purpose as they didn't think I should be allowed to (ex-MIL, the bitch, telling me 'well as far as I'm concerned your name is Mrs ex-husband').

If I marry OH I might have to do the dreaded double barrel. I love my name. I hate the idea of changing it on marriage. I want to keep it. But OH has a cool, unusual, name I like...

[squoosh]

YADNBU OP but lots of people will claim you are.

Whatever about forgetting your Dr title, calling someone Mrs John Smith is offensive. I presume the etiquette brigade have already been on the thread bleating that it's the 'correct' i.e. outdated and sexist way of addressing correspondence.

[CocktailQueen]

I think you're being a tad U, OP! Older relatives address me as you say, and it doesn't make me cross. It's how they were taught/brought up.

Younger ones use my name.

You could have a word with the people who are doing it (not your friend, because it sounds as though he just wanted to annoy you) and ask them nicely to address you as 'Dr your name', but be nice about it! They may be upset that they have offended you, and have no clue why.

[HobbetInTheHeadlights]

Some of DH family use MR instead of Dr to make a point - they are very anti education and think it means getting above one self so having PhD is a something to hide.

Female friend with PhD whose DH was still studying for his had his family using MRS which was especially annoying when they use DR after her DH got his for him but still MRS for her. There was a lot of petty crap like that from them though. Her DH never saw an issue though apparently didn't like Mr & DR surname letters prior to that.

IME these people don't stop even if you do ask them to change how the address stuff - so you do end up having to get past it.

My elderly relative who addresses cards to me and MRS DHFIRSTNAME SharedSurname doesn't mean anything by that and is sending cash to my DC who she has never seen so is obviously very nice.

So I get it can be annoying but I would read the letters and cards though might not respond or keep if I really was annoyed by this pettiness. I would probably overlook the pettiness of the sender if it was a present though.

[AddToBasket]

Squoosh - if it's all so vital then why didn't you read the thread?

In the case of well-meant personal correspondence it's only 'offensive' if you choose to take offence. And if you choose to take offence then the lack of proportion is going to unhelpfully obscure any useful points about gender and just make you look, IME, like an offence-taker.

[squeakytoy]

Its on the envelope.. not the bloody card itself. I just really do not get all the angst about this subject at all..

[squoosh]

AddToBasket because I've read similar threads to this a hundred times on MN and know how it goes.

Really couldn't care less how other people perceive my offence. I'm not going to phone Great Aunty Joan and berate her for not addressing Christmas cards correctly but I would certainly mention it to someone younger. Do hope that's okay with you.

[HobbetInTheHeadlights]

I just really do not get all the angst about this subject at all..

Cause sometimes the people do it to make a point - and continue even they've been politely corrected.

Obviously the thing to do is completely miss the point they are trying to make - and get to the stage you don't even get the few seconds ffs thoughts but still that can takes time and practise.

In in my friend's case who has a DD herself making sure her DD knows mummies PhD is just an important as daddies despite the subtle messages her GP are sending her via addressed letters is an added task.

[songlark]

In the big scheme of things I would say it's not a big deal.

[LessMissAbs]

YANBU. We need to get rid of this, like France. Replacing the Christian name with the husband's name isn't even a particularly old tradition. Its an affectation and I find it rude. Its bad enough people making up a different surname for me (I didn't change it on marriage) but a different Christian name is taking the mick.

Can't believe the "get over it" comments - I can only assume that these posters aren't particularly keen on having their own personal identity. I bet if it was a man who had letters addressed to them in their husband's names, they would support it!

PIL actually crossed out my surname on letters sent to their house (when our address was in flux) and I had a "little talk" with them about it. They don't do it now.

[caruthers]

My Wife only ever receives mail under her name she never gets mail under my name even from relatives and friends.

[silverten]

Lots of these things, on their own, aren't a huge deal. However that doesn't mean they don't pander to a lot of sloppy, outdated, irrelevant ideas that belong in the last century. When you start to think about the 'minor' things you often uncover some pretty major things that really should be challenged.

Example: 'as far as I am concerned you are Mrs DH'. Ie: I see you as an attachment to DH, not a person in their own right, I consider your thoughts/feelings/needs as secondary to his, purely because he is a man.

If we didn't get cross about stuff, nothing would ever change.