AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

[TeacupDrama]

I would not expect birthday cards from family etc to be addressed to Dr teacup, if they are just addressed to me I would expect Mrs / Dr S Teacup, if to DH and I, I'm really not bothered if they use DH initial

if someone doesn't know you kept your surname it is silly to get upset at them following the convention that 90% of women do; if they do it to annoy you you have every right to be upset as that is childish

a doctor can use married name but they must change it on medical / dental register, you can only practice in the name on the regisiter

[Bowlersarm]

Yabu

I have never understood the angst over this. If it makes you apoplectic why get married in the first place?

And to use dr in social correspondence shows you're quite up yourself tbh

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I got married to give my husband some legal protection as he is the lower earner and will be a SAHD. Surnames were not a consideration. I never expected so much vitriol from my SiL (who by the way isn't my husband's sister, she's my brother's partner so I don't see why my surname affects her)

[OnlyLovers]

Actually, we all signed up to this when we had the temerity to be born without penises

Quite. Spot on.

[ELR]

It's a total over reaction, but sometimes things just piss us off so much we can't help it. So yes yabu but I would say so what!

[badbride]

And to use dr in social correspondence shows you're quite up yourself tbh

I see this argument in MN a lot, and really don't understand it. Can someone please explain why using a title that advertises you professional status (Dr) makes you "up yourself", while using one that advertises your marital status (Mrs, Miss) or gender political views (Ms) doesn't?

[badbride]

OnlyLovers Silly us, eh? Brought it on ourselves

[flowery]

Badbride because advertising your professional status in a situation where it is entirely irrelevant screams "Look at meeee, I'm a doctor!"

I think anyone expecting to be addressed as firstname surname (solicitor) or firstname surname (accountant) would be met with some severe ing, quite rightly.

[silverten]

Basically I think the 'up yourself' argument is born of a general attitude that us little women shouldn't push ourselves forward. Unladylike, y'see?

Having pondered the relative issue further I think the reason it exercises me so much is because what it is basically saying is that they don't think of me as a person (myfirstname mylastname), so much as the wife of their relative (Mrs DH).

[Animation]

The title Dr has a power imbalance about it. I would not address anyone by Dr - I would call them by their name. We are all equals.

[flowery]

It's nothing to do with "little women" silverten, what a strange assumption. I would be exactly as about a man who expected to be referred to as Dr on a birthday card.

[motherinferior]

Talking of great-aunts, one of mine appears to believe I did get married, and that I now have my children's surname (ie Myname Hisname). This annoys me, though she is a ancient nun and therefore perhaps it's understandable (she's not one of yer radical liberation nuns, shall we say); whereas DP's brother, who sends us cards in addressed to both of us with DP's surname drives me round the fucking bend.

[angeltulips]

Of course yanbu

The juxtaposition between this thread & the thread telling people being offended at the use of the word "moron" is quite interesting - on that thread, it is imperative to not use any words that might offend someone ever; on this thread, it's the addressees problem because "who has the time to think about what offends people" and they need to "get over it".

If you are a friend, address me as I want to be known. Surely that's just common courtesy?

[KellyElly]

The title Dr has a power imbalance about it. I would not address anyone by Dr - I would call them by their name. We are all equals. It's got nothing to do with a power imbalance it's got everything to do with completing a PHD!

[SarahAnderson]

Hi all, OP here. Very cool to see so many views pouring in. This is my first AIBU and I can see that it's a bit addictive.

A few quick responses...

• I certainly don't expect people to address me as 'Dr' socially or on birthday cards! (That would truly be batshit.) It's more that if they ARE going to use a title, it should be my actual one. I'm not a Mrs - I'm just not. It's as wrong to me as calling me Mr or Lord or Reverend.
  
• I am not sure why getting married would entail consent to being called the wrong name. If it were a legal requirement that I changed my name on marriage I would honestly have thought twice about it. That's how strongly I feel about the issue
  
• Clearly this is not the biggest issue in the world. And with that I will go and help some more patients :)

[badbride]

I see where you're coming from, flowery. But I'm still a bit puzzled as to why this is worse than effectively screaming, "Look at meeeee! I'm married/single/a feminist."

I agree that my professional status is irrelevant in many situations. But so is my marital status. And even though "Ms" is supposed to be a neutral equivalent of "Mr", a large number of people seem to have a big problem with it.

Ironically, I get far less eye-rolling if I use the title "Dr" than if I use "Ms".

The fact that any title a women uses appears to make some sort of statement, where a man using"Mr" does not speaks volumes about how far we still have to go.

[Bumbershoot]

I'm with you OP

[badbride]

Ugh, apols for the appalling grammar. I mean:

Any title a women uses appears to make some sort of statement. A man using "Mr" does not. This speaks volumes about how far we still have to go.

[silverten]

My issue with it isn't that I expect my dr to be used at all times and in all situations. For casual social or work correspondence I'm perfectly happy to use 'firstname lastname', on envelopes or wherever.

However if someone chooses, or their own volition, to address me using a title (birthday card envelope or whatever), I consider it a basic courtesy that they use the right one.

I don't think the dr makes me 'better', or anything. I just decided that I would only use one name, rather than a load of different versions which convey differing, vague and sometimes incorrect messages.

It's a good question:

I see this argument in MN a lot, and really don't understand it. Can someone please explain why using a title that advertises you professional status (Dr) makes you "up yourself", while using one that advertises your marital status (Mrs, Miss) or gender political views (Ms) doesn't?

[Animation]

" It's got nothing to do with a power imbalance it's got everything to do with completing a PHD"

So why would we address a person face to face as dr rather than use their name if they have a PHD?

[flowery]

That's assuming that people who have a problem with expecting professional status to be advertised when not relevant are the same people who "have a big problem" with Ms.

Using a social title of some description when addressing an envelope is considered polite. I personally usually use no title at all, other than with people I know who will expect it.

For example I would always address my MIL as Mrs. If someone has taken their husband's surname and I think they would like a title, I'd use Mrs. If they haven't and wouldn't be bothered about a title, I wouldn't use one. If they haven't and I think they would like a title, I'd use Ms.

Wouldn't occur to me to think of advertising someone's job on non work-related correspondence though.

[LEtranger]

This gives me the rage too - I didn't change my name when I got married, my name which had served me perfectly well for 30 years! I really don't get the argument that anti-feminists people make that you're just keeping your father's name either - my husband only got his name at birth from his father, why is it more his name than the one I was given is mine?! We're both just using the names we were given at birth...

Anyway, so I get post to Mrs husband's name, and have kn occasion corrected people saying I haven't changed my name, to which the response is invariably "oh, doesn't he mind?!" He doesn't get to mind! What century are we in?! (And for the record, no he doesn't, I wouldn't have married a man who did...)

My sister is a Dr and one of her friends said she would just address letters to Mr and Mrs, because Mr and Dr made them sound like a gay couple - right, because only men can be doctors...sigh...

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

The juxtaposition between this thread & the thread telling people being offended at the use of the word "moron" is quite interesting - on that thread, it is imperative to not use any words that might offend someone ever; on this thread, it's the addressees problem because "who has the time to think about what offends people" and they need to "get over it".

I was just thinking exactly the same thing. On this thread I've been called a drama queen extraordinaire!

[HavantGuard]

Ignoring the whole Dr thing, you are being totally reasonable to be pissed off with people sending things to Mrs. DH's initial DH's surname when you didn't take his surname.

For those who don't understand why it's an issue, the automatic assumption that it's ok to change a woman's name when she has chosen not to just because she got married is why it matters.

[Floggingmolly]

DH and I don't address each other using titles either :-)
I'm assuming you have little occasion to write to each other, Heinous?
Because expecting to be verbally addressed as Dr. by anyone other than those consulting you in a medical capacity would raise the nonsense levels quite dramatically, especially from those close enough to send you a birthday card.