AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

[NiceTabard]

Married surgeons are called Miss.

Is that WRONG?

Erm, no.

Mrs / Miss / Ms, pick what you like.

On many European websites the options are Mr or Ms (or Dr etc).

Do we really need to know what sex people are from their titles though? As a step past knowing whether they are single or not (if female).

[FryOneFatManic]

Floggingmolly a bloke stays Mr all his life, regardless of his marital status. But a woman is defined by her marital status if she sticks to a title like Miss of Mrs.

Many women prefer to use Ms, as it is a title that does not depend on your marital status, which is irrelevant to other people anyway.

[deakymom]

you worked hard to be a DR YANBU i would want recognition too

[blueberrycupcake]

NiceTabard, I wouldn't open that mail if it had no connection to my name or my DH's name. I'd be worried it wasn't actually meant for me.
I have been known to answer to people calling me Anna at work. It's not my name and not sure how it came about but I don't care. As it happens, people in the UK pronounce my name incorrectly but that also doesn't bother me but the only thing is, it makes the name completely different.

[NiceTabard]

well there you go then

Isn't it still illegal to open mail which is not addressed to you?

Probably.

[NiceTabard]

If my husband got a letter to Mr My MaidenName, he wouldn't open it, I assume.

He would think it was maybe for my dad?

Yet women who get post addressed to Mrs Husband'sName just need to think that is normal?

And here is a TRUE

When I got married, I took my DH surname. OK fine.

I did NOT expect for my council tax bills to start being sent to my MIL, for my FIL dentist to start sending me text reminders, or (and this was last MONTH, 4 years after she died) for my credit card to question certain changes based on my "previous spending behaviour". Well, no. She's dead now. She was lovely, but. Clearly she's not out spending any money

Now. I am a feminist and I chose to change my name on marriage for my own reasons. However, I did not expect all this rampant confusion on the part of basically everyone. Including my own mother, who apparently thinks I lost my first name as well.

Just call people what they want to be called, if they have expressed a preference. Really, it's not tricky.

This stuff never comes up at work. i guess because people have better things to do with their time.

[EBearhug]

But a woman is defined by her marital status if she sticks to a title like Miss of Mrs.

Many women prefer to use Ms, as it is a title that does not depend on your marital status, which is irrelevant to other people anyway.
You'll still be judged on it, though, just as you will if you're Miss or Mrs, whereas Mr is Mr is Mr. I did like it in Germany where I was just Frau Bearhug (well, I wasn't the first time I was Frau Bearhug's Boyfriend's Name, trying to book into a hotel where he was in hospital. And also, no one had ever explained to me that adult women are Frau regardless, and I had a complicated time trying to explain in my broken German that I wasn't actually married...)

I prefer not to use a title, because there's not really a gender neutral one, unless you've earned it, like Dr.

Yrs,
Comrade Bearhug.


P.S. My mother got really pissed off with the TV Licensing people, because for some reason, they started sending things to Mr Bearhug, not Mrs Bearhug. We didn't get a TV till the late '80s, and Dad never ever had anything to do with the TV licence, it was always Mum, all the way through, from the first application.

[BrennanHasAMangina]

Perhaps we should all be mononymic like Madonna, Beyoncé, Prince and Bono? Thereby avoiding any reference to facts of our gender and marital status altogether. Wicked, right?


I should like to be called 'Patchouli' henceforth. Please address me as such in all future messages. TIA.

[Caitlin17]

floggingmolly Why are you so obsessed with the idea that a woman's marital status should be evident?

I don't even assume a "Miss"is unmarried as I know so many "Misses" who are.

My husband actually prefers I'm still Miss , as far as he is concerned "Mrs" is his mother.

And I'm so fed up of the argument, it's your father's name so it's not really your name. Yes it bloody is my name in exactly the same way my husband's name is his own. Actually in my case is my grandfather's name. We used husband's name for my son and my son is seriously thinking of changing it to mine as he prefers my surname.

As for tradition until around mid 18th century it want even common for names to be changed in Scotland.

[HuntingforBunting]

I am a ms because even though I wear a wedding ring and changed my name I still don't feel the need for people who have never even met me to presume my single or marital status. Just saying.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I think it's useful to have a title which denotes gender, although I can see it's not always a good thing. I find it easier if I know whether the person I'm talking about/to is going to be male or female. Titles denoting marriage are not so good IMO. I'd assume that a Mrs is or has been married, but read nothing into Ms or Miss. I think it's unfortunate that Ms isn't always received as neutrally as Mr.

My surname is my father's surname. It's also been my mother's surname for all the time I've known her. I think my children's surnames are their own once they have control of their lives. I would probably be disappointed to have a daughter who became a Mrs DH because "that's what you do". If she made an informed choice that it was the best option for her, I'd be fine about it. I hope I'd have the sense to keep my thoughts to myself either way.

[catsrus]

my daughters do not have their father's lastname - they have mine, so no-one can use that old "it's your father's name anyway" jibe at them - it only takes one generation to change that one.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

I'm a married Miss. Lots of women just stay Miss Maidenname at work after marriage. I stayed that way for everything. So I think it is well known to a lot of people that in a work context at least Miss does not equal unmarried.

Women High Court judges are always 'Mrs Justice [surname]' for some reason. Probably because Miss or Ms. Justice sounds odd and they are all still in the 18th century anyway so nothing else has occurred to them. Why not Madam Justice I wonder?

[scoobydooagain]

floggingmolly because I feel marital status is pretty irrelevant and when I can, I do not use a title but if I have to, I prefer Miss, as Mrs just gives me the rage and I just am not that keen on Ms. My ExH, took my surname when we married and still uses it now we are divorced.

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

Although sometimes senior judges are referred to as 'Lord Justice Whoever' even when they are female.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

Oh, I thought it was always Lady Justice now. Or Baroness if you're lucky.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

wobbly yes I would think so if we had chosen my maiden name as our family name. I would certainly hope he wouldn't be offended

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Wikipedia, which is never wrong says that although technically Court of Appeal Judges are all "Lord Justice", the women are known as "Lady Justice". That's how I've always seen it.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Justice_of_Appeal

[bellablot]

Hmm honestly yes YABU, if not a tad entitled. Talk about serious first world problem!

[bragmatic]

Oh that takes the fucking biscuit bellablot. Entitled is it? To want to be called by your own name? Jesus wept.

[Martorana]

"Hmm honestly yes YABU, if not a tad entitled"

Happy International Woman's Day, everyone!

[bragmatic]

Lol

[LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName]

I understand you being upset, and I'm sure the thread has moved in some however I can't a reply from you so please take on board what I'm going to say. They are not doing this to upset you, some of then really will think that is now tour name. Send a thank you card and on the back of the envelope add "sender; dr girls name Marian name'

[whatever5]

YANBU. I don't always mind being addressed as "mrs DH's surname" but it depends on who is doing it and whether they should know better.

SIL (brother's wife) addresses letters to us as Dr and Mrs [DH's surname) which really really winds me up. Firstly, I have the same surname as her so it shouldn't be hard to remember. Secondly, why the hell is DH "dr" whereas I am "mrs". We both have PhD's but its as if only his counts!

[NuggetofPurestGreen]

This thread makes me want to weep. As do my real life experiences related to this type of thing. Someone I know was talking about her friend the other day and saying how she didn't change her name when she got married and was eye rolling about it and taking the piss cos her friend said she wanted to keep her own name as that was part of her identity. Another person was saying she's not changing her name and her friend was berating her saying 'you're just being difficult'.

OP YANBU.