AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

[Pagwatch]

I'm in agreement with her choosing how she wishes to be addressed. I'm just amused by the juxtaposition of asserting yourself as an educated and independent woman with a series of wee hissy fits.

[Pimpf]

I did change my surname but I don't think I have ever had anything ever addresses to mrs dh first name, surname

[badbride]

The other thing to bear in mind is that some people just simply can't get their heads around the idea that women CAN keep their names. I've had the following conversation with an old friend of mine many times:

Friend: So, what's your surname?
BB: Er, Badbride, same as before
Friend: No, I mean your married name
BB: Um, it's "Badbride", it hasn't changed
Friend: What's your husband's surname?
BB: Grumpygroom
Friend: Oh, so you're Mrs Grumpygroom now then?
BB: (headdesk)

Honestly, lovely friend, but WTF???!!!!

[QuietNinjaTardis]

I'm not a doctor but I do get pissed of when I'm referred to as mrs Dh name, surname. Or his initial is used and not mine. I know its correct etiquette that went out with the fucking ark but I did not change my first name. I wouldn't throw out post but it does piss me off.

[HicDraconis]

YABU if you let something this trivial annoy you this much. Are you so defined by a name?

I'm a doctor too (there's a lot of us about) and I answer to Dr maidenname, Dr DH name, Mrs DHname, X's mum... I would never throw post away addressed to any name if it was recognisably intended for me.

As it happens I obtained my degree prior to marriage so I'm probably not supposed to call myself Dr DHname. Still do it though :)

[Floggingmolly]

I think you're missing the salient point here, op; the address performed it's function of getting the letters to you... What does it actually matter?

[Martorana]

Did anyone hear Penelope Lively on Radio 4 talking about when she was a young woman she went to university functions with her Husband, and all the women had badges saying "Mrs Philosphy" "Mrs Linguistics" "Mrs PPE" depending on their husband's subject?

Irrelevant, but interesting.

I'm in the incandescent camp with the OP, by the way. However, because I am incredibly old and posh, if I was Mary Smith married to John Brown, I would hate Mrs Mary Brown slightly more than I would hate Mrs John Brown because the second is at least correct in terms of envelope addressing etiquette..................

[SaucyJack]

I've recently changed my mind on this one.

I used to think I'd never want to give up "my" name, but actually my surname isn't my name either- it's my arsehole of a father's name. TBH I cannot wait to get married and take DP's name. I'd rather be labelled as his wife than my father's daughter.

[badbride]

@elfycat: I sometimes get cheques that are passive-aggressively addressed in a similar fashion. I find that if I use the automated deposit machine at the bank, they go straight into my account (in my correct name), no questions asked. The bank clearly doesn't check the very thoroughly (at least, not for the small amounts you get for birthdays etc).

So you can keep you name, get the cash AND thwart your MIL at the same time

[BeanCalledPickle]

It annoys me but I do quite enjoy the various attempts at addressing things to us as DD has both names. So it should be Mr Bean, Ms Pickle and Miss Pickle Bean, but it's never that! My mum asked me 'if it was even allowed' when I said I was keeping my name! I was annoyed on our wedding day to receive lots of stuff addressed to Mr and Mrs Bean as that's not my name.

I am a lawyer and returning to work from mat leave soon. In my security clearance form it asks for marital status and then maiden name. It won't let me proceed unless I enter a maiden name different to current name. This is DRiVING ME MAD. And delaying my return to work as I can't get cleared!

[HectorVector]

I'm exactly the same as HicDraconis... Life is too short, it really doesn't matter!

[RiverTam]

the thing is, how many men would this happen to? If Dr John Smith got married to Clare Jones, would he start getting post addressed to Mr Clare Jones? No, he wouldn't.

I can understand how annoying this must be, but I have no idea what you can do about it - throwing the card away won't actually tell that person that you're annoyed (unless they ask you about it and you say, well, there isn't a Mrs [Husband's name][Husband's surname] living at our house so I throw post addressed to that person away. Dr SarahAnderson, on the other hand, is home most days and more than happy to receive post! But they would probably then think you were the rude one and should get over yourself. Again, not something I think would happen to a man.

[flipchart]

I think there are more important things to make your blood boil than being addressed wrongly (In your opinion) However, if you really have nothing else to seethe about why not just mention it to the person that has done it. You don't have to tell them that you are sad or annoyed (reallly?) just say that you prefer to be called Ms Grumpyarse or whatever.

[EBearhug]

I wouldn't throw out post, but I would point it out to people, except possibly nonogenarian great aunts.

I would particularly be hacked off with a bank system that only allows second cards in the name of Mrs Main Accountname. I would probably tell them they have a few months to fix it (I've worked in IT in banking - I know changes won't be instant if reprogramming is required) and if they don't want to fix it, I don't want to be their customer.

I prefer not to use a title at all, but lots of poorly designed computer interfaces won't allow you to exist without a title. And that's without the complication of being linked to another person for some reason, be it marriage or whatever.

Surely banks must allow second names on accounts not to be Mrs, at least since we've had civil partnerships?

[happyon]

YANBU

I am in the same position. This is my name, my actual name. Fair enough, some not particularly close people might not know that I didn't take my husband's name, but many do (because I've told them nicely) and still they get my name wrong. Or, they insist on my being Mrs husband's name on any correspondence. Why can't they cope with the fact that I have my own name and that I am a Dr, not a Mrs? One friend actually told me it was because 'it didn't seem right for you to be Dr while dh was Mr')!

This might have once been a polite way of addressing married women, but it clearly isn't anymore. Please use my name.

[TheBookofRuth]

I understand OP, I'd be furious in you place too. I chose to become Mrs Husband'ssurname, but that's the point, it was my choice and it should be respected. I know, for example, that my DM thought it was a unfeminist decision and she would have preferred me to be Ms Maidenname, but she would never disrespect my decision by insisting on addressing me as such.

[OnlyLovers]

Are you so defined by a name? I think the point here is that the OP doesn't appreciate being defined BY OTHERS who have decided, unilaterally, what her name is.

I don't think the OP is 'batshit' or needs to 'get over' herself, either .

OP, YANBU. It's a massive assumption and smacks of old-fashioned sexist values.

I don't have any practical advice on how to deal with it, though. I thought it was going to be your bank and other professional corresponders, in which case my advice would be to just keep contacting them, correcting your details, until they get it right. Bit harder with personal mail though

But if you know these senders quite well, can't you bring it up in conversation, quite lightly?

[happyon]

p.s. The op didn't say this was the most important issue in the world or that she had nothing better to worry about. I'm with her on that but it is annoying and sexist behaviour. What shouldn't we be annoyed?

Some people really are patronising bastards.

[SpringyReframed]

Are you sure they didnt address the letters/cards like that because they were unsure on your actual title/name?

I always find it difficult to know how to address an envelope to a couple who have different surnames and sometimes you dont always remember one of them (depending on which one you know the most).

Personally I think the most modern way ,and best is to address an envelope to First Name Surname, but companies wont have that.

After my divorce I changed back to my maiden name and to Ms. It is incredible how many people insist on calling me Mrs. I bloody hate it!Even some of my friends still sent me cards addressed to Mrs Ex Husbands name. I still love them!

Think you need to be a bit more tolerant OP.

[chemenger]

Hic has anyone ever raised the point that you should only use Dr with your maiden name with you? I think that is the case, but I have always ignored it.

[OnlyLovers]

x-post but this: how many men would this happen to? If Dr John Smith got married to Clare Jones, would he start getting post addressed to Mr Clare Jones? No, he wouldn't

is EXACTLY the crux of it.

[TheBookofRuth]

Why? Male doctors, presumably, remain Dr once married.

[HippyPottyMouth]

I agree with you and I do throw away things addressed to the wrong name, if the sender keeps doing it after they've been reminded.

[LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops]

I've kept my maiden name too and often get letters addressed to Mrs Husband's name - it doesn't bother me in the slightest. There's loads more to be offended about.
I don't mind being called DC's mum either...I'm all of these things.
Must dash - have got a life to lead!

[Sidge]

I can understand why you're annoyed but I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Especially if you don't even tell the people who sent the cards and gifts that you'd prefer to be known as Dr SarahAnderson. They're not psychic and probably assume that you've done as the majority of married women do in the UK and take their husband's surname.