AIBU to throw away letters addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'?

[SarahAnderson]

For the record, I am not a Mrs, I am a Dr. And I didn't take my husband's last name. Therefore all three parts of 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]' are wrong.

It makes my blood boil when I receive letters addressed to me like this. Because it's not really me at all. It's like upon marriage, every part of 'me' was been extinguished and replaced with my husband instead: my profession, my first name, my family affiliation.

The WORST thing is that virtually all of the mail I get like this is intended to be well meaning -- the last two I got were a congratulations card and a birthday gift! So I can't bring myself to let the giver know how sad and annoyed it makes me.

(Actually I did, once, respond when someone gave me an incredibly generous gift addressed to 'Mrs [Husband's first name] [Husband's last name]'. I was genuinely baffled as to why he did it, as he's a very liberal guy and it seemed out of character. He replied that it was a joke and he only did it because he knows how much it would annoy me. I'm not sure if that's really true - he doesn't know me THAT well - but in any case my reaction was, um, why did you want to give me this lovely gift and also REALLY PISS ME OFF at the same time?)

I got another card addressed this way last night and, I must confess, I threw it away. It just makes me annoyed to have it in the house.

I don't like it either OP. I kept my name when I got married, the only people that call me Mrs married name are DH when he wants to annoy me and his mother, anyone else I would correct but she's a dear old thing and it would confuse her.

Just return them to sender, not known at this address. That's what I do.

I actually cried on my birthday when my SiL sent me a card addressed to mrs husband's name. She's argued with me about my decision more than once, if she can't respect my choice I'd rather not have a card.

"Hic has anyone ever raised the point that you should only use Dr with your maiden name with you? I think that is the case, but I have always ignored it."

I haven't looked into this thoroughly, but I don't think it is the case that you can't call yourself Dr MarriedName. The degree was awarded to a person, not a name. As long as you are not fraudulently claiming the degree, there should be no problem. After all, someone who is awarded, say, a BSc wouldn't think twice about calling themselves Mrs Marriedname, BSc, Why is it different for PhD or MB, ChB?

I still use Dr Myname for work but do answer to Mrs Marriedname for school etc. I hate hate hate Mrs DHinitial Marriedname, but the only person who does that is my brother, to annoy me

I think using "Dr" outside of your professional life is a bit arsey actually.

Fine at work, the rest of the time give Mrs, Miss or Me a try. Do people need to know about your qualifications when you are buying milk?

montysma, we're not talking about buying milk but about letters wrongly addressed.

And just because there are other things to worry about doesn't mean it's not OK to worry about this too.

I've been married twice and both times took my dhs surname but remained a Ms. I could take Mr & Mrs and just about stand Mrs , but can't stand Mrs . If however I had a title I'd worked hard to get like Dr I'd be hopping mad and be sending thank you notes with 'from Dr eat* with Dr eat underlined!

When I read the title I thought good for you!

But reading your post you come across a bit overly concerned with your status - I note you saying you are a Dr rather than plain old Ms/Miss or Mrs?? If I had a PHD I wouldn't want letters addressed to me as Dr. Just my name is fine -

Gloria Animation
TreeTop Crescent
Wilmslow
Cheshire

If it wasn't your 10th birthday, Punami (and I'm assuming you weren't actually a child bride) then you are a drama queen extraordinaire. You cried?

My dil kept her maiden name when she married and the dc have it as a middle name. Her father left her mother before dil was born. They have never spoken, he didn't acknowledge her at his dm's funeral. His dc from his second marriage don't know she exists.
I asked why she wanted to keep the name of such a man and give it to her own dc. She replied,"It's all I ever had from him so I want to hold on to it." She loves the man who has been her dsd for 30 years yet it his her father's name she holds close.
I don't give a damn about my surname. Three marriages and a total of 4 surnames. My first name is who I am not the names of the men I lived with. Administrative convenience made me change my name and I don't care how my mail is addressed.

molly, I might cry too in that situation. It's pretty out of order to argue with someone about their choice in this issue, and very disrespectful to keep doing the thing you've asked them not to do.

Why? Male doctors, presumably, remain Dr once married.

and so do female doctors.

I would be more annoyed about the Dr thing, and the husband's first name than the surname, myself. Yes, you might have taken your husband's surname, but that doesn't mean you've stopped being Dr! If I worked for a gazillion years to earn that title, damn right I would use it!

YANBU to be annoyed. I took DHs surname when we got married, but I'm quite certain I kept my own first name, so things addressed to Mrs [DHsfirstname][DHssurname] irritate me.

However YABU to expect people to call you Dr on congratulations cards and birthday gifts, that's a bit pretentious, and YAalsoBU to throw post away, that's a bit childish.

Why use Dr? Why not just your name?

Presumably - and of course I can't speak for her - the OP wouldn't object cards addressed to just Herfirstname Hersurname, but if people are going to use a title, she'd rather it was the right one? If people know her well enough to send her a birthday card, you'd think they'd also know she's a doctor?

They probably do know she's a doctor, but perhaps it wouldn't occur to them that someone would expect to be addressed as Dr on a birthday card...

I have the exact same problem. Interestingly my nonagenarian great aunt had less of a problem with it than several younger relatives. One of them deliberately uses Mrs DH despite having been told several times that it is wrong, brushing it off with an 'oh, it doesn't really matter'. This to me is really fucking rude.

What happy said: YANBU

This is my name, my actual name. Fair enough, some not particularly close people might not know that I didn't take my husband's name, but many do (because I've told them nicely) and still they get my name wrong. Or, they insist on my being Mrs husband's name on any correspondence. Why can't they cope with the fact that I have my own name and that I am a Dr, not a Mrs?

This might have once been a polite way of addressing married women, but it clearly isn't anymore. Please use my name.

Chucking post away isn't really going to solve anything but I wish I could think of a way of politely making it clear to people who should really know and remember, what my actual name is. I can deal with strangers making assumptions, they have to start somewhere and it's a fair guess, but once people have been told my name I consider it a basic courtesy that they remember it.

So why use a different title if you must use one at all?

Get over yourself.

They're not addressing the cards "dear fuckface" are they.

Yabu.

I'm in much the same situation name-wise.

I wouldn't say I get angry if I get letters addressed to Mrs Bert Burpalot, but it is weird to find yourself suddenly rebranded. I don't go round changing other people's names for them.

DH does get quite peeved though, he had words with his mother about it. Maybe because when his family do it, it feels more like they're making me part of them. Whereas we're still us, same as when we weren't married.

But all my friends would just address to Heinous Pietrap, no titles or anything. DH and I don't address each other using titles either ;-)

If it wasn't your 10th birthday, Punami (and I'm assuming you weren't actually a child bride) then you are a drama queen extraordinaire. You cried?

Yeah because it wasn't just the card, it was all the arguments my SiL has started with me over my name and despite all of those, she'd rather use my birthday to make a nasty point than just not bother to send a card.

I can't speak for them Ruth. Personally I wouldn't use a title at all.

You sorta signed up for this when you got married.

You sorta signed up for this when you got married

Actually, we all signed up to this when we had the temerity to be born without penises

christ sake give your head a wobble... like it frigging matters