Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
nennypops · 04/03/2014 16:44

I went to a boarding school, it was basically fine as a school, but there is no way I would contemplate sending my children to board. I still remember the awful feeling of homesickness at the start of term and when I went back after outing and half term holidays, and although I developed independence and confidence about coping on my own I can't see that it gave me any advantage - people I met at university who were away from home for the first time coped just fine. To be honest, I'm sceptical about people who claim that their children "love" boarding school: even the most confident and generally happy children at my school would never have claimed that, and in many cases it sounds to me like parents justifying their choices.

I fully appreciate that there are circumstances when parents have no choice, and I would never condemn other for making this choice, but it's definitely not for me. Having gone through the system, I am absolutely confident that I am not depriving my children of anything by refusing to send them.

OhTheDrama · 04/03/2014 16:49

My aunt sent both her children to boarding school. Her DH was working in Saudi Arabia and they both wanted the children schooled in the UK. My Aunt refused to be based in the UK and openly said she wanted to remain with her DH as there were "trust issues" i.e he couldn't keep it zipped in his pants.

The eldest was 11 and youngest was 9. They saw my Aunt and Uncle once a year, all other holidays were spent with my Grandma in North East England. They both hated it, the elder one actually ran away to my Grandma's house once. They both have a very distant relationship with their parents but curiously the younger one chose to send his kids to boarding school. My aunt and uncle are no longer together.

WellHelloThere · 04/03/2014 16:55

I was sent to boarding school at 8 years of age - hated every single minute of it until I left at 18 - my parents moved abroad and coulnd be arsed to take care of me. For every child that thrives in the boarding environment there are a dozen that dont. Its all horses for courses but I certainly wouldnt send my kids before the ages of 12 to board and even then only weekly and only if they really wanted to. Personally I am not having kids to have them raised by paid carers.

Animation · 04/03/2014 17:02

My DH went to boarding school from the age of 7 when his parents divorced. He cried a lot and hated it, and then didn't mind it as much by 13 years old When I met him he was an emotional stone and I wasn't quite sure what I was taking on, but he became flesh and blood eventually. Has a detached relationship with his parents. We put our dds at local secondary school and wouldn't have contemplated boarding school.

Topseyt · 04/03/2014 17:30

I have mixed feelings on boarding schools. It is just an opinion, and private education of any sort is out of our league financially anyway.

I can certainly see the point with regard to military families and other parents who have to travel a lot, as it provides a fixed point and some stability in the lives of the children.

If, and it is a big if, I had the money to send my children to private schools I would do it with no question. I would only board them if at some stage later on in their school career they actually wanted it for themselves. All three are very different characters.

My eldest would almost certainly have loved some form of boarding from the age of about 13 onwards. She was academically very bright, and pretty confident to boot. She is now at uni and loving it (and I well up with tears after every holiday when she goes back for another term).

My second daughter may have benefited, but is a much less confident character anyway and the least academic of mine, so possibly would not have liked it. Day girl maybe??

My third daughter, although very academically bright, is a very, very sensitive little soul and this is causing her a few problems, so I might be dubious about boarding her. Perhaps as a day pupil until we saw how things were going to be??

Pie in the sky for me anyway as we cannot afford it, but I am not judging other people on their choices. Each family is different, and so is each individual child. Some may take easily to boarding school, and others may not. Horses for courses.

mrsjay · 04/03/2014 17:33

I watched the Harrow programme none of the boys seemed particularly miserable and they were well looked after why is it sad for them ?

MyBodyIsAtemplate · 04/03/2014 17:45

some kids are bloody unhappy at all schools. school days are definatly the happiest days if your life for most people.

I can see the advantages for kids whose parents work crazy hours and need some stability or again if the parents are abroad or military.

I don't see it promotes independence, mine managed at uni fine, at boarding school you don't need to get yourself from A to B on a daily basis basis.

for me and my children definatly not. my kids are far too precious for at least one of us to not see and talk to every day. dh works away but skypes them.

I like my kids company too much I guess.

MyBodyIsAtemplate · 04/03/2014 17:46

sorry school days are not the happiest days.

MeepMeepVrooom · 04/03/2014 17:54

Mybody I didn't like school at all either. Bug At least I got to go home at night. That's one of the major downfalls of boarding imo.

MeepMeepVrooom · 04/03/2014 17:55

But at least*

manicinsomniac · 04/03/2014 18:00

I work as a boarding tutor in a day/boarding school for 7-13 year olds. Massive numbers of flexi boarders (1-4 nighters), about 10 weekly boarders and 30 full boarders.

Our full and weekly parents are a mix of:
*military
*work abroad
*work very long hours in London
*dead or terminally ill
*have other children with severe disabilities
*went to boarding school themselves and see it as the right way
*have some kind of family problem (mental health, tricky divorce etc)
*victims of children who really want to do it

95% of the time it is the parents who struggle, the children love it.

I am a boarding convert (was v sceptical when I started). I don't think I'll ever be able to afford it and it would be wrong for my eldest daughter (quite shy, mental health problems) but my younger daughter would absolutely adore it.

It's not a good thing for every child but it is for an awful lot. Independence, friendship, fun, stability and many other things that a lot of children need but don't get at home.

Plus it's convenient for parents in a school where so much goes on. I'm just heading back to the hall to start a play rehearsal that will finish at 8.30pm. Most of the cast will then just pop up the stairs to bed. Much easier than coming out (many of our children live 30-45 minutes away) to get your child at that time of night.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 04/03/2014 18:01

Why do people attempt to control what other people post about? 'why don't people search previous threads before starting bunfights?'

If the OP wants to start a bunfights she bloody well can! It's up to her what she posts! And all the crap about she's accusing parents of abuse.
What rubbish! She asked perfectly valid questions.

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 18:08

OhTheDrama - that's so incredibly sad. Interesting though that he sent his kids to boarding school anyway though...

OP posts:
GrumpyOldNag · 04/03/2014 18:13

I went to boarding school, and I absolutely loved it! Grin I went because I was getting no academic support from my local high school (i.e. I received no tuition for major exams I took early, other than on the first day 'here's your text book'), and my brother was about to move up and had been bullied horrendously at all his previous schools. It was the best decision we ever made. He completely transformed from a silent kid with absolutely no self esteem/worth into a confident, funny, passionate young man in a matter of weeks.

Boarding is hard at times, but I found my relationship with my parents improved dramatically after I started. I was able to stumble into who I was without defining myself as the difficult daughter. I have a brilliant relationship with both my parents, and I don't doubt for a second that they 'loved me enough'. It is important to remember that boarding schools have completely changed from what they were like in the 50s or so, even though their public image has not. They are still represented in the media like prisons, or like some mentioned above, Enid Blyton. Obviously it depends on the individual school, and at the end of the day, the boarding house, but the vast majority of people who come out of boarding loved it, and are independent, organised, motivated people because that's who we had to be!

Crowler · 04/03/2014 18:17

My 11 year old is hopelessly disorganized, to the point where it's affecting his school work. I do enable him, naturally. But then again I think this is pretty normal for 11 year old boys... ?
My husband has begun lobbying for boarding.

missmargot · 04/03/2014 18:26

I asked my parents if I could sit the entrance exam for a local boarding school when discussing my secondary choices. They agreed and made a lot of sacrifices to pay the fees, for which I am extremely thankfully. I loved the school and it was definitely the right choice for me, however there were some children there who were homesick constantly for seven years. Possibly not the right choice for them.

I hate the thought that anyone might have judged my parents for supporting me in my desire for that type of education or think they were bad parents for 'sending me away'.

handcream · 04/03/2014 18:33

Oh I must chip into this thread. We dont have kids with disabilities, and we arent in the miltary. Neither of us went to boarding schools. I went to a rubissh sec modern yet we still chose boarding....

There are some people quoting on experiences from years and years ago. Not particulary relevant to boarding these days. My DS's dont go to harrow but somewhere very similar. The Harrow documentary is very life like. Bit macho because of course Harrow is all boys but very much showing what boarding is like.

FWIW - I think I would have to have a blooming good reason to send a child under 10. However boarding has been the making of my DS's. If there were real issues we would have moved house.

The reason we chose boarding was that there were no decent day schools around us so boarding was the way to go.

LadyRabbit · 04/03/2014 18:41

It all depends on the child I think. I loved boarding school but didn't go until I was a teenager. I think it was the thing that turned a shy, under confident girl into someone more independent and focused. My brother also went, from 11 if I remember and he thrived too. But my younger sister wouldn't have done well away from the family home and so my parents wisely chose not to send her. I think boarding school now is a much kinder, more pastoral environment than say thirty or forty years ago when some of my cousins got packed off at six. They definitely suffered for it, and the fact that my aunt and uncle then packed the poor things off to summer camp the moment they arrived home. Hideous! That to me IS child abuse, and I know it damaged them terribly and their relationship with their parents.

I think if my DS goes through prep school and develops the kind of personality suited to boarding we will almost certainly send him. If your child is super sporty or really involved in extra curricular activities boarding school is a fabulous place as there is simply so much on offer and as it is all in one campus it is much easier to negotiate with the standard academic curriculum. Plus, having a few extra house of lessons on a Saturday which is quite standard allows teachers to really fully explore a subject syllabus and takes the pressure off a little around exam time.

Obviously it is very expensive, but so many schools, ESPECIALLY the really good ones offer scholarships for academic and creative achievement, and they strive more and more to be inclusive with bursary schemes. My mum went to boarding school on a bursary I believe, my grandparents were poor but canny and persistent and decided to ignore feelings that they wouldn't fit in etc., and managed to do it. If your child is bright (they don't have to be rocket scientists honestly) there are boarding schools that are very open to providing education to those who don't have the means to do it, which is becoming more common because fees have risen way above the rate of inflation. I often wonder how these schools justify their charitable status really, it seems a bit off, and I'm definitely of the opinion that in order to keep that status they should be doing all they can to be more inclusive.

Obviously the boarding school system can produce obnoxious entitled dickheads, but so can any state school. It's not all jolly hockey sticks and ponies, not by a long shot!!!

wobblyweebles · 04/03/2014 18:45

By far the academically best school in my state is the state-funded boarding school. They send an enormous proportion of graduates to top colleges, most on scholarships.

TBH if I send my daughter there I will probably save money in the long run, not to mention that she will get the kind of education she would love, and meet a lot of other kids like her.

She's not old enough yet, but in about a year I'm going to take her up there and see if she wants to go.

buddyfingy · 04/03/2014 18:45

I adored boarding school. I started at 12 as my parents couldn't place me in a school after moving to a different area of the country (military.) I was still given the choice though and I am so glad I took it. As for the homesickness, in my particular school there was simply no time for it! Our waking hours were filled with a massive variety of sports and activities so by the time bedtime came we were all too knackered to do anything but sleep (and the occasional dorm raid!)
I had always hoped to send my children to the school I went to, but sadly our wonderful headmaster was replaced by a dreadful woman who has recently appeared in a newspaper who has ruined what used to be a wonderful community into a money grasping institution. Rant over!

diabolo · 04/03/2014 18:47

Absolutely ladyrabbit. DS at 7 - well there's no way boarding would have been for him, but DS as a teenager is a totally different person.

ForalltheSaints · 04/03/2014 19:27

If you are a military family or perhaps a diplomat then I would support you in sending a child to boarding school. Otherwise not, and personally I would have felt it was as if I had been sent to a posh prison.

pixiepotter · 04/03/2014 19:33

Boarding school...so much easier than parenting

Kormachameleon · 04/03/2014 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 04/03/2014 19:50

pixie - cheap, low, pathetic jibe. Awesome contribution to this discussion. Well done.

HmmHmmHmm