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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
Squiffyagain · 04/03/2014 13:37

At the local very high ranking indie, the overwhelming majority of children who live locally choose (beg) to board. Only a small number stay as day pupils (and half of them are on the waiting list to board).

Why? Drama clubs, sports cubs, debating societies, music recitals, band practice, CCF, duke of edinburgh stuff, coroprate citizenship stuff. I could go on and on. There's clubs before supper and clubs after supper and the pupils dont finish till 9 or 10 in the evening, when the choice is to hang about with your mates for a bit till lights out, or go home to sleep.

From the people I know it's the parents who get sad, not the kids.

ziggiestardust · 04/03/2014 13:37

because you are basically accusing parents of child abuse.

Well that's just bollocks isn't it? Where has anyone said that?

Interested to see the responses here. I left the military because after the age of 8, they subsidise your child's boarding fees as they no longer guarantee your posting will be the same as your partner's (we were booth military). It was a key factor for us. But I know several couples who send their kids to boarding school, and they seem to really get on well there (after the initial drop off bit), and get a great education; better than any day school. Maybe because there's no chance to not do homework?

I don't know. I think I'd consider it if my DS fell in with the wrong crowd perhaps, and needed to be moved away from it all?

There are situations which necessitate it.

squoosh · 04/03/2014 13:38

'I have a friend who has just announced her son will board for secondary and I am totally shocked by her decision, she has really gone down in my estimation, I don't understand why you have children just to send them away?'

You really don't seem like much of a friend to be honest. There might be a multitude of reasons why they've chosen boarding school for their child.

Dancergirl · 04/03/2014 13:38

I don't have dc at boarding school but I can see some possible reasons why:

-Excellent academic record, better than local schools
-Wide range of extra curricular activities, some of which dc would never otherwise have a chance to try out
-less travelling and running around between school and activities - everything is there
-strong friendships bonds that come from being together

Can probably think of others.

However I think it's important that, ideally, the child really wants to go. I'm sure it's far harder for the parents of boarders than the dc. People say they're being selfish sending their children to board but in many ways, they are being unselfish - putting their child's education/opportunities/experience above their own feelings.

HandMini · 04/03/2014 13:39

Because it can provide very good education, childcare and amazing extra curricular in one consistent environment.

As a full time working parent, I will definitely be considering weekly boarding for my DC when they are older.

Coconutty · 04/03/2014 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoodleOodle · 04/03/2014 13:41

I don't understand why you have children just to send them away? All parents who send their children to school do this. Some of the schools are lovely with great facilities, behaviour, education, ethos and extra-curricular activities; some are right shite holes. I know which option I understand better.

persimmon · 04/03/2014 13:41

It's a touchy, touchy subject. I have worked in a day/boarding school for a long time and there is definitely a sensitivity amongst many boarders that the day children's parents somehow love them more. The boarders tend to be 'harder' emotionally.
Before I worked here I would NEVER have considered boarding for my DC, but now I would consider weekly boarding after age 13 - but only if they really wanted to. I still think it's wrong for young children.

Swifey · 04/03/2014 13:42

I went to boarding school at the age of 13 and totally loved it. My parents made the decision because the comprehensives around us were all rubbish and they wanted the best for us and they could afford it! It was the best experience of my life, and I am very close to my parents, and always have been!! I definitely got the best start in life because of my school, and am a rounded human because of it!!

Bowlersarm · 04/03/2014 13:44

How is it not picking a fight when you are telling people it is "sad to send" their child to boarding school if they do?

ziggiestardust · 04/03/2014 13:45

Yes, definitely think it's harder for the parents than the children.

I think you must have to have a strong relationship with your children in order to 'click' back in with them and their interests during the holidays. I imagine you must have to work quite hard at your relationship with them. But that's probably not a bad thing!

Alwaysthesame123 · 04/03/2014 13:45

I went to boarding school when I was 7 because my parents worked abroad and moved frequently....it was very old school and very tough but because everyone boarded you knew no different. When I was 13 I moved to a day/boarding school - then I knew the difference!

My children flexi board (3 nights a week). It was their choice and they started from the age of 13. Not sure I could send them awayContrary to what people might think, we are all an extremely close and loving family.

Dramallamadingdong · 04/03/2014 13:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GrendelsMum · 04/03/2014 13:45

A couple of friends have children who are boarding - both because the children are very talented musicians and their idea of fun is to attend music rehearsal after music rehearsal. One was in two minds about swapping to a local day school, but then the music won out.

Same with friends who boarded - they all had particular talents that were better catered for at certain specialist schools. One has said outright that he really hopes his son has the musical talent and interest to get a scholarship to board like he and his brother did.

FoxesRevenge · 04/03/2014 13:46

My children flexi board (3 nights a week)

I think that sounds fantastic. I imagine both children and parents can get quite a lot out of that set up.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 04/03/2014 13:47

re why will it be a bun fight - because it's going to upset those people who interpret you saying that you don't understand it, it makes you feel sad and that you couldn't bear to be apart from you child - as criticisms of their choice.

that's how it always goes on these threads. There is never any different outcome.

People get upset if they feel that they are being accused of being cold, uncaring, distant parents who don't want to be with their children. whether that is actually what they are being accused of or not, if they infer it, it upsets them.

It is, apparently, one of those REALLY sensitive topics where people feel attacked / judged and can get very cross/defensive. Like bf / ff.

whois · 04/03/2014 13:47

I have worked in a day/boarding school for a long time and there is definitely a sensitivity amongst many boarders that the day children's parents somehow love them more. The boarders tend to be 'harder' emotionally.

Really? I didn't find that at my school. But to be fair most were local boarders who boarded at age 13 and their parents could come to events and stuff. We were allowed 3 weekends home a term, plus the whole school exeat. Also your parents could take you out on Sunday and Saturday afternoons if you didn't have a sports match.

Best thing about day pupils was the chance of having a weekend away at their house and a night out drinking in town!

Timetoask · 04/03/2014 13:47

At my DS's prep school there are a few children who have boarded since they were 7. Breaks my heart, it is definitely wrong and nobody in the world will convince me otherwise.

My eldest has special needs and goes to a special school. In two years we will have to make a decision about what special secondary school will be best for him. DH and I have agreed that if the right school is far away we will have to move house rather than have him as full-time boarder, he has a home to come to.

pixiepotter · 04/03/2014 13:48

Why? Drama clubs, sports cubs, debating societies, music recitals, band practice, CCF, duke of edinburgh stuff, coroprate citizenship stuff

day school have all that too you know
And I agree with the OP.I also think there must be something wrong with the parent-child relationship for the children to 'beg' to be away 5 nights a week.And even if they were 'begging' so what? would you give in would you give in to anything they begged for?

Melonbreath · 04/03/2014 13:48

My friend loved her boarding school. Her parents had a very unhappy marriage and a very very messy divorce. She had a more peaceful and settled time at school.

Kormachameleon · 04/03/2014 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ziggiestardust · 04/03/2014 13:51

korma that makes sense to me.

Do you worry that he'll be a different person when he gets back in the holidays, and you might struggle to engage with him? I only say that because that would be my main concern I guess, losing touch a little bit?

SomethingkindaOod · 04/03/2014 13:53

Because if we could afford it then In order for my children (who we love dearly and would miss desperately) to get the best education possible we would at the very least consider Boarding school. DS watched the Harrow programme, he's 13 and loved the whole look of the school. The boarding aspect not so much but he hasn't grown up in. An environment where boarding schools are seen as an option.
Implying that a child is less loved by their parents when they are trying to give them the best start in life possible is disgusting.

ziggiestardust · 04/03/2014 13:54

I think children who want to board but aren't allowed will find other ways; I begged to board (didn't get on well with my dad) from the age of 7. By the age of 13, I had no fewer than 3 extra curricular activities that took me away from home most weekends. Then I joined the military at 17. It would have been better if they had just given in, and let me board tbh. We might now have something to salvage.

Dancergirl · 04/03/2014 13:56

Not all schools have those opportunities pixiepotter It depends where you live. If you lived in an area with poor schools, could afford boarding and your child was keen, why on earth would you not consider it?

Being a good parent sometimes means putting your child's feelings above your own.

However I do think 8 might be too young to board, depends on the child though.

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