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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 05/03/2014 21:44

Yes, but a long time ago.

OP posts:
midnightagents · 06/03/2014 21:35

Of course they perpetuate inequality diablo, that's my point, I'm not sure you can say as a blanket rule that they are better or worse though. That depends on a multitude of factors. Private schools are exclusive and that elitism travels with its pupils through life. Giving them an automatic step up in the majority of cases, which I think is unfair.

pixiepotter · 06/03/2014 23:36

Just watched 'leaving home at 8' on youtube.It is absolutely heartbreaking.All these little dots of 8 years old crying for their mums every night, turning to other 8 yr olds for comfort.The matron telling them they mustn't tell their parents they were upset because it would make their parents sad.Eventually they became resigned to their fate and only cried at bedtime Sad and the dumb bitches of mothers who thought it was all for the best!

morethanpotatoprints · 06/03/2014 23:48

I think being as they are all different and managed differently its a bit of a sweeping generalisation to say they are exclusive, elitist, and unfair.
Whether you like them or not is a matter of opinion but some are charitable schools, or highly subsidised, some are open to all irrespective of income or status. Others are highly selective and elitist Grin Just because you don't meet the criteria doesn't mean to say they are unfair, they are obviously fair for the people who use them.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/03/2014 23:57

pixiepotter

I know what you are saying, but quite a lot of the time these things are edited like this for effect.
I know it exists though, my dh taught at a boarding school for 10 years and saw some very young ones really upset at leaving their parents.
He came home during the first weeks and said he wasn't sure he could continue because he didn't like seeing this.
However, the children did soon settle and as he got into the job he realised for every child that had been upset another 3 hadn't batted an eye lid and settled straight away.
It really does depend on the child, some really thrive.
I think the cruelty comes when/if the child doesn't settle and the parents continue. However, I think these cases are rare now because I still think most parents would know and act if their child wasn't happy in their environment.

tiredandsadmum · 07/03/2014 00:29

I am also looking at boarding for my 8 year old. He seems bright but has learning difficulties and would benefit from attending one of the very specialised schools around the country. People keep asking me about the sacrifice - if he can achieve his potential and do what he wants in the future, there is no sacrifice. He is an only child from a divorced family, desparate to be part of a crowd. Boarding isn't a perfect solution but it gives him the best chance.

handcream · 07/03/2014 09:42

Morthan is correct I feel.

In my younger son's boarding school its complusory boarding for the last 2 years (age 11-13). One boy this year was removed. I know the parents well, tbh - I dont think they wanted it to work and kept looking for issues. The school is very good and dealing with any problems but for some boarding isnt right so I guess they were right in taking him out.

GreenPetal94 · 07/03/2014 10:07

I went to two boarding schools aged 8-18. I was "semi-unhappy" the whole time, although a few bits were fun. One of the problems for me is that my parents still can't really explain why they sent me to boarding school not the local private school. It's one of the things they never talk about. They both went to boarding schools themselves and hated them!

So I will be breaking the cycle and won't send my boys boarding (age 10 and 12). I live in a city centre next to a great state school, the school was a key factor in how we chose where to live.

I'm in touch with a lot of people from my boarding school days and some of them loved it, especially those talented at sports.

Nataleejah · 07/03/2014 10:10

We only have children for so long... I strongly believe they belong in families with their parents and siblings.

Animation · 07/03/2014 12:02

"All these little dots of 8 years old crying for their mums every night, turning to other 8 yr olds for comfort.The matron telling them they mustn't tell their parents they were upset because it would make their parents sad.Eventually they became resigned to their fate and only cried at bedtime"

Pixiepotter -That's how it was for my DH - he was sent from the age of 7. He even had rewrite some of his letters if he mentioned he was sad or missing his parents.

Crowler · 07/03/2014 12:08

It would rip my heart out to send my 8-year old to BS. I must freely confess this.

thesaurusgirl · 07/03/2014 12:21

When I got to university, the most fucked-up kids (depressives, anorexics, bulimics, self-harmers, under-performers etc) were all kids who had been to day school and been hyper-supervised by helicopter parents.

Once their parents weren't around to wipe their arses and tell them they were pwecious, they fell apart. Had no emotional resources when in difficulties, found it hard to make friends, couldn't live in halls without freaking out every time they saw a stranger's pubic hair in the shower.

It's no accident that so many very successful people went to boarding school. I grant you some of that is due to historical privilege; but much of it is just to do with the fact that you realise young in life that you're more than capable of taking care of yourself.

thesaurusgirl · 07/03/2014 12:24

Also - perhaps because so few people on this thread seem to have actually attended boarding school themselves - no-one seems to realise that the friendships you make as a boarder are supertight. That's so life-enhancing by itself.

I'm still friends with half the people I went to school with; I wonder how many day school kids could say the same twenty years later?

waterlego6064 · 07/03/2014 12:34

The only parents I know who sent their children to boarding school (all are relatives of mine), did so because they were working overseas in the foreign office/forces. 5 children in total, from two different families. All but one of them have turned out to be really lovely adults/young adults, with excellent careers/prospects. One of them was not so fortunate, and has significant problems as an adult. (No idea of course whether the time at boarding school has anything to do with this).

I know that I couldn't sent my own children to boarding school, no matter what their age. To me, it would feel unnatural not to see them every single day. So I'm grateful that neither I nor DH have the type of career which involves living overseas.

Shonajoy · 07/03/2014 12:37

Curiousgeorgie I'm the same - what if it would really give them a chance at an Oxbridge entry into something she wanted to do. It may be vital for some careers to board, but I'd miss mine way too much.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 07/03/2014 12:37

DH doesn't see our children every day because he works long hours. That's quite normal in certain circles.

The best boarding families I have known have worked compressed hours in the week and had weekends as proper family time without the competing claims of homework, clubs, shopping, etc.

Nataleejah · 07/03/2014 12:40

My DH said his happiest day was when he punched his teacher and got expelled from boarding school for good. I'm really not surprised after he told me about things which were happening in there. Not very far from child abuse. Scary stuff.

waterlego6064 · 07/03/2014 13:42

Horatia I realise not all parents see their children every day. That works for your family, but I wouldn't like it in mine. We're all different :)

Waltonswatcher1 · 07/03/2014 14:32

8 year olds left to cry seeking comfort from other 8 year olds - that sounds like a huge editing farce to me or a really shit school .
I was a House Matron and later a House Mistress - firstly all boys aged 6-13 , then all girls 6-18.
For me the experience a boarder has out of educational hours depends totally on the pastoral staff . If I was considering boarding (as many posters are) then on the open day visits I would seek out the upstairs staff . It may look all very well on open day , great academic results and fabulous resources, but who is responsible for the TLC when your dc has a crap day and just needs his mum ?
I would want to look that person in the eyes and ask a few probing questions before I left my kids in their very expensive care .
This is childhood - for many it's boarding full time with little parental involvement . This may be the better option for some kids ; lots I worked with suffered in the holidays and were desperate for term . For others this can be the wrong decision - and no school will tell you that . It's about making money and getting bums on seats . You will hear what you want to be told .
So in my experience boarding can be great fun , teach independence and provide a great home from home - but chose your school with care .

lonnika · 07/03/2014 14:35

So we have figured on this thread is that bs suits some children and not others - some parents and not others :). Surprise surprise !!!

Waltonswatcher1 · 07/03/2014 14:39

You are forgetting something .
Most parents won't ever take that into account . Many dont even see it . Often a child won't tell the parents til thirty years later when the topic pops up one christmas!

lonnika · 07/03/2014 14:45

Some parents can't see how much their upbringing is hurting them in a variety of circumstances - that's life

Waltonswatcher1 · 07/03/2014 14:51

My son would leave here today if he felt there would be more allocated screen time at bs !
He'd probably refuse to come home on exeat weekends .

bronya · 07/03/2014 22:18

*thesaurusgirl
Also - perhaps because so few people on this thread seem to have actually attended boarding school themselves - no-one seems to realise that the friendships you make as a boarder are supertight. That's so life-enhancing by itself.

I'm still friends with half the people I went to school with; I wonder how many day school kids could say the same twenty years later?*

I was at boarding school for 10 years. I'm no longer in touch with any of my friends from there. My friends now were made as an adult.

fullerlonger · 08/03/2014 11:54

I agree with you theasauragirl - the five women I know now who have had the most problems in life had helicopter parents and attended hyper competitive day schools.