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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/03/2014 15:53

Do you think you will have any regrets about him spending so much of his time away from home as a child once he is grown up vixsatis?

handcream · 05/03/2014 15:56

Tons of sporting activities at home - not really. They would have to be ferried to these sports. For the more unusual it could be miles. Sports are available on the doorstep at school every day of the week.

Sleeping through everything - well I never learnt how to do this and my school

Small classes at school - 30 plus pupils anyone at state schools? We dont have any private day schools withing commuting distance here

TV watching - I could nag and nag them to not watch so much but at boarding school there is little in the way of TV - something I really welcome. They are much too busy doing other activities.

Looking after themselves from a health and well being point of view - again asking them to change their sheets numerous times or ending up doing it myself. What does that teach them.

You are making it sound like the 1950's wife at home with tea on the table, DH coming home and then lovely evenings spent chatting around the dinner table and then off to watch Eastenders together. Weekends are of course spent as a family, rambling, walking the dog, planning our next family holiday.....

In our house I am sometimes away overnight. My DH more so, other children might need picking up. You might have a household like this. I certainly dont...

vixsatis · 05/03/2014 15:56

Only if it turns out that he is not as happy as I think he is. I accept that as a possibility; but I'm pretty convinced that he loves it.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:05

My dd is at boarding school - she is there on a sports scholorship - she loves loves loves it !!!!!! We couldn't afford it without the scholorship mor would we have considered it if it wasn't for her sport.

We love her soooo much it breaks my heart when we say goodbye to her BUT we are doing what we can to give her the best chance in life -

I doubt we will know wether it was the 'right' thing until much later on. most Parents do what they can for their children. Some people like to put others down by implying that te love their children more be ause of this, that and the other !!!!! You don't send your children to boarding school because you don't live them - you send them because you weigh up the options and it comes out as the bet one for a variety of different reasons!!!

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 16:05

I know this will sound harsh but restricting tv and teaching children to do their own chores is part of parenting. It's boring and annoying but it's part of being a parent. I don't think you can teach people to sleep through things - my ds is impossible to wake while my dd is the lightest sleeper ever and they live in the same house.

Vixsatis I have to admit I find your viewpoint hard to understand. The thought of only seeing my young child once a week seems awful to me. To see him any less than that would be impossibly hard.

Minifingers · 05/03/2014 16:15

Is there any evidence that children who go to boarding schools perform any better than similar peers at day school?

I appreciate that it's often not the middle-class way in the UK. The middle-class way involves doing as many activities as possible. Busy, busy, busy. Not just being. And definitely not prioritising being together for the simple pleasure of enjoying the company of the people you love.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:16

Ahh. But Cailin you are seeing tnings from your viewpoint - in my case - hard for ME not to see DD BUT I am giving HER the best opportunity possible. It would be SELFISH OF ME (would it not) to put my needs before hers ????

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:17

Mini fingers - yes - with my dd sport there is evidence that those who go to certain schools do better

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 16:18

Does a child need to be away from their parents, cared for by people who don't love them as parents do for most of the week/month?

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:23

In my case - yes she does need to be away from Sunday-Saturday

I can assure you my dd knows she is lived and cherished by us - hence why she is so secure in herself. I couldn't do what she is doing nor could my DH, However her sport is her love, her passion and ATM the biggest thing in her life - SHE wants to achieve and SHE is determined to do so :)

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 16:27

Fair enough. I wouldn't like my children to sacrifice family life for achievement in sport, academics, whatever. I would rather they had a more balanced life.

tb · 05/03/2014 16:27

Dd now 16 boards on a weekly basis at school and has done since she was in 5e, so it's now her fifth year as a boarder.

There are no more arguments about her doing her homework - at least not during the week.

She is 80 miles away from her school, so it would be absolutely impossible for her to go there and back on a daily basis. It's the only school in the region where she can do the bac she wants to do.

So, no choice really, and, from a cost point of view, it doesn't cost very much more than her having school lunches.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:32

My DD has a better life than most children her age - she is learning so many things about success, failure, hard work and discipline. She is travelling all over Europe to compete and as I said she loves it :). I accept that maybe one day she will turn round and say it wasn't all that, that is a risk we take. Howeve, I would be more afraid that she we never gave her the opportunity. Cailin my dd is super talented and I assure you that you it puts a whole new perspective on things when you have a child with a major talent :)

Minifingers · 05/03/2014 16:34

It's amazing that any state-school educated child gets an Oxbridge education/becomes an Olympian/doctor/lawyer etc. And yet they do - if they have talent, brains, a work ethic and committed parents.

You wouldn't know it from reading this thread.

sandalsinthebin · 05/03/2014 16:35

Because we live in the ME and we want DS to have a good old traditional education. DS boarding school is amazing he loves it so much. Also we both work long, long, long hours, as is usual in the ME.

Minifingers · 05/03/2014 16:36

"I assure you that you it puts a whole new perspective on things when you have a child with a major talent"

Yes - relationships must come second to ambition.

Hence perhaps the stratospheric rates of family breakdown among media and sporting celebrities.

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 16:39

I had a major talent lonnika. And as a result I think focusing a child's life around that talent, to the detriment of "normality" is a bad idea. IMO every child, no matter how talented, needs the simple comfort of having a parent around.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:39

Of course they do Zmini and NO ONE is saying they don't?? Unfortunately unless we moved to a different area and away from our wxtended family and moved son from school - my dd couldn't do her sport to her level - that is why we send her to boarding school :)

I don't have a problem with a state education. My son attends a state school !!! ARE YOU JEALOUS??? That my dd has a talent that gives her an opportunity ?

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:41

mini and Cailin you are both funny wi your comments - what was your talent Cailin? Did you go to Bs - how did your life focus around it?

Minifingers · 05/03/2014 16:41

You know, either life at boarding school is perfect and wonderful for pretty much all children (in which case it's very different from my experience and that of my siblings), or there are many parents out there with a desperate vested interest to believe that it's so.

My parents probably thought so at the time. I never let on how unhappy I was at boarding school because I saw how pleased they were that I was having such a privileged education. And I'm not even sure I could have put a label of 'unhappy' on the feelings I had - which were complex and a bit frightening. I thought everyone felt frightened and a bit unloved and untouched. Thought that was normal. My children don't go more than a few hours without a cuddle/kiss from me. When I was 11 and at boarding school sometimes I wouldn't be touched by anyone for weeks, other than the faux emotional schoolgirl hugs which usually also involve air kisses. Sad

diabolo · 05/03/2014 16:44

I think there's a whole lot of jealousy on this thread. But not about money or such like, more about how comfortable people are with their choices, how we know that we still love our children and they still love us regardless of where they go to school. How we are utterly certain that we are doing the best we can for them, particularly if they have a talent that the school can really nurture.

I don't know why it's so difficult to understand.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:45

it is a shame Mini that your experience was like that and I am sure it colours your view. I doubt BS is great for all - I think at every school you will find some who are thriving and others that are not

lonnika · 05/03/2014 16:46

Diablo :). Very very well said :)

vixsatis · 05/03/2014 16:47

No major talent here; and of course I miss him terribly but it's not for me, it's for him.

diabolo · 05/03/2014 16:49

And I totally agree that boarding is not for everyone. But the OP asked why people do choose it and has been answered by a huge majority who are delighted with it and who have happy, thriving children.

I wouldn't have even considered it when DS was younger but the young man he has become, desperately wants to do it. And so it is being considered.

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