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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
handcream · 05/03/2014 14:23

Pixi - what if I said to you that you are ruining your children's childhoods by bringing them up in such a desolute place, where you have to take them by car everywhere and not allow them to become independent and confident on public transport. What if they got stuck living their forever because they werent confident enough to leave....

Well, I wouldnt say that - but I could...

Where they are stuck all day listening to your frankly very strange views of education and your insulting jibes at parents who choose not to follow you and copy the way you do things within your family.

handcream · 05/03/2014 14:24

Cailin - WELL YOU COULD HAVE FOOLED ME!!

thesaurusgirl · 05/03/2014 14:25

Yawn.

I went to a mixture of day and boarding school and boarding was the best by a country mile. It made me resourceful, disciplined, self-reliant, and easy-going. It also enabled me to devote a huge amount of properly supervised time to my strengths, which gave me huge amounts of confidence in my abilities and in myself.

My education was the best thing my parents have ever bought me, and to my dying day I will be grateful to them.

Most of the people who criticise boarding have zero experience of it, and many of them are just plain jealous that they can't afford to provide it for their own children. Of course there are problems for some kids in boarding schools. Actually, there are problems for some kids in any school.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 05/03/2014 14:26

People do all kinds of things to ensure their children can access the best education possible; move house, lie about moving house, go to church, pay money. If a child wants to go to boarding school, and enjoys being there, and the parents can afford it... why is there so much negativity?

Trufflethewuffle · 05/03/2014 14:27

A couple of years ago some friends of ours sent their son off to boarding school. At the time I was surprised that they would want to do that, I suppose I had preconceptions of what it meant. Back then, I couldn't imagine that we would send our dd off to boarding school.
Then the chance arose and we questioned whether it would be the right thing and off she went.
And she is happy! And doesn't want to change things. And knows she is part of a secure and loving family.

thesaurusgirl · 05/03/2014 14:30

Yes, Truffle, that's the thing that annoys me most: the insinuation that my parents don't love me or my siblings because they spent every penny they could find on giving us the best education they could possibly afford.

WTAF.

diabolo · 05/03/2014 14:31

cailin you're so clever. Were you privately educated?

Wherever I lived, I'd still send DS to an independent school. It would still have boarders. DS would still like to be one of them.

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 14:31

Thanks fr that very honest answer Truffle. I think I would find it very hard to be in that position.

handcream · 05/03/2014 14:35

thesaurusgirl - hear hear! I dont hear my DS telling me how grateful he is - yet!!

I am finding that my older son in particular is gaining a self confirence that I never had. Going to s sec modern with no great expectations of pupils does that to you.

I am very confident now but tbh - it has taken years and years.

For me living around here the state system is not for us. We have the grammars and I dont believe my DS's would have been happy at grammar schools. I have no doubt with tutoring etc they would have passed (and spent the next 7 yrs struggling).

I wouldnt hestitate to take the boys out of boarding school if it wasnt working. We have dicussed moving house if the younger one had taken to it the way he did. As our Plan B. He didnt start it until he was 11 which I think is the right age for most kids. He comes home every weekend. As someone upthread said 40% of time at home where they have jobs and tasks to do (like cleaning the bathroom, vacuming etc. )After all I am still working even if its in my office at home!!

I suspect someone will thank me one day for having boys who know one end of a mop from the other, how to change a double bed etc.

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 14:35

No I wasn't privately educated diabolo.

Handcream it's boarding school.I'm not keen on, not private schools in general.

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 14:38

Just on a personal level I would find it very hard not to see my children in the flesh from Monday to Thursday. Maybe that's because they're young? Does that desire to be around yhem every day wane as they get older?

Abra1d · 05/03/2014 14:42

Yes. They are just less emotionally and practically dependent on you. I am shattered from driving around the county at all hours of the day and night taking and collecting from various school and external events. My two agree that on certain nights of the week we would all benefit from them boarding. We can't do this at their current schools, though my son could possibly full-time board. One week I had three 9.30pm and later pick-ups and it's an hour-plus round trip, more if there are floods.

thesaurusgirl · 05/03/2014 14:45

Handcream It actually makes me tearful to think how much my education means to me, and how much it means to me that my parents made so many sacrifices to finance it.

Learning is such a pleasure and being taught well is such a privilege. I thank my lucky stars every day for my parents' choices.

diabolo · 05/03/2014 14:48

I don't think parents want to see less of their children as they get older, but children definitely become less reliant on you and far more independent. As I said up thread, what 14yo wants to sit around with his parents night after night?

Which of course is the whole point of being a parent. Our job is to teach our children to be confident, capable, independent adults.

LadyRabbit · 05/03/2014 14:49

Honestly, these threads are so futile I don't even know why I am posting again but I will. Anything - but especially education and health - that has a state/private duality causes immense division. What's interesting is that those of us who privately educate or choose private healthcare do not go around accusing those who do not of child abuse, or irresponsible health choices. However, it's a free for all with the judgy pants brigade when it comes to the other way round. What I find especially hilarious are those people who are so anti private schooling but are quite happy to move to a better area because of the local schools. That's er basically the same principle, right? That you know some schools are better than others and gravitate towards them? What's the difference between that and actually paying for the better school or school situation if day school really isn't the answer for a family.

I'm afraid on these issues nobody ever reaches agreement (as a poster pointed out early upthread).

vixsatis · 05/03/2014 14:49

cailin I absolutely still yearn for my son and would love to have him with me the whole time; but this isn't about me and I sincerely believe that boarding is the best thing for him. I'm lucky that at 13 he's still huggy when he's home

thesaurus so do I!

and one more thing: whilst my husband and I are the providers of unconditional love and support, I have no illusions about my abilities as a parent: there are plenty of things which I think the school does better than I ever could

Crowler · 05/03/2014 14:53

My 11 year old is not physically in proximity to me in the evenings in the way that my 8 year old is. I can see a trend emerging. I think this is why my stance on BS is changing.

2tiredtocare · 05/03/2014 14:55

Why are so many posters justifying themselves to Callin?

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 15:15

Vixatis why do you think boarding is the best thing for him? What does he get out of it that he wouldn't get out of day school?

handcream · 05/03/2014 15:23

Just wait until you have a stroppy teenager Cailin! You will really only come into their vision when they need a pick up or drop off from somewhere. They will often state they wish they could drive not because they are troubling you for a lift but because they want to be themselves. Not have to rely on others.

Food also plays a big part in a male teenager's life. Standing at the fridge and scoffing the contents is a very popular pass time. If they have a friend over you will see them arrive, come down for food and then leave. You wouldnt in a million years be in their bedroom chatting through their day, discussing their issues and fears about girls etc. Stock up your fridge. Plenty of light snacks (a large pizza is a 'light snack').

I often want to be around them - they on the other hand want to be with their friends, expend some energy on a sport or just have 'boys banter' something I never can understand.

I do hear that this sort of behaviour stops in their early 20's. I'll let you know.

It is because they are young that you cannot really imagine. Like everyone else I remember the day they were born, when they were learning to walk. What they were like on their first day at school.

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 15:30

I would never expect my teens to want to chat to me, although it would be lovely if they did, I hung out a lot with my mum as a teen - we got on very well, better than any other stage of my life, including now. But I would still like to be around them so I can see how they're doing day to day. Teenagers aren't the most communicative beings generally and I would worry about losing touch with them if I only saw them every weekend or once a month or whatever. IMO there is plenty of time for them to be away and separate once they're adults.

handcream · 05/03/2014 15:32

Can I answer Vixais as to why boarding life is enhancing for my DS. I know Cailin asked you.

  1. It teaches them tolerance to others
  2. It gives them discipline to get up on time, to not lie around in bed having to be reminded time and time again its a school day
  3. It allows them to try a huge range of sports normally in one place.
  4. TV is not the be all and end all for most of the evening
  5. They are fed with balanced meals (not every parent knows how to feed their children properly or even at all!) When I did the school run previously I passed a school and pupils were either in the local Tesco buying Red Bull and sweets or walking down the street with a pack of crisps and some sweets at 0800 in the morning!
6 They learn to sleep through absolutely EVERYTHING. I can hoover in my DS's rooms an they dont wake. They can sleep through parties down the road and being a terribly sleeper myself I am very jealous 7 The teaching is in small classes and at A level even smaller. This allows them to be noticed if they are slipping behind. 8 It shows them that if they dont change their bed linen NO ONE else will. If they choose to live like this there will be no one to nag them!
Animation · 05/03/2014 15:42

CailinDana - Like your posts. Your views are questioning give food for thought. Smile

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 15:42

Can't they learn those things at home handcream? While being with their parents and siblings (if they have any)?

vixsatis · 05/03/2014 15:46

handcream- all that plus: (i) being free to develop as his own person rather than having his parents hovering the whole time; (ii) learning to live in a community, in which they all support one another- sounds trite but they really do circle the wagons when a boy has a problem at home or with something else; (iii) learning tolerance; (iv) having friends from all over the world;(v)very little screen time; (vi)learning self-discipline: it's up to him to work or not; (vi) opportunities to do more activities than I would ever get round to organising for him, much as I adore him;(vii) no-one will believe this but boarding gets in the way of teenage materialism- none of them has much stuff at school so there can be no one-upmanship; and (viii) they just have the most enormous amount of fun.

Remember, he is home for nearly half the year so he gets family life as well