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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you have a child at boarding school...

418 replies

curiousgeorgie · 04/03/2014 13:07

Can I ask you why?

I know it's old but finally catching up on sky plus and watching the Harrow programme...

It seems so sad to send a child to boarding school, especially when some seem so resistant.

My DH said people do it because they have to, military etc.

So can I ask why you do it, if you do?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 05/03/2014 16:54

Lonnika, I'd rather not say whaty talent is as it's too identifying. I didn't go to bs. But all the praise and self worth I got as a teenager centred around my talent and I became obsessive about it to the point where I was spending up to 20 hours a week on it, besides school. My parents did try to get me to ease off but because I wanted it they backed off. I wated years of my life and became a very closed person, plus I cae to hate my talent. It was as if it was the only thing worthwhile about me. It has affected my life a lot. DH is very keen for me to go back to my talent but I can't not yet. Maybe at some stage I will.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 17:01

I hope you do Cailin :(. My dd knows she is 'good' at her sport - however where she is they never use the word talent (If I am honest I only said it o. Here as I know it annoys people but otherwise it is hard for people to understand our decisions) - She is kept well grounded where she is and she is around older children who, because of their age and ability, have achieved more than she has. My DD lost loads of confidence in year 2 due to a variety of reasons - became insular, came out I. Hives (honestly), her sport built her confidence back up over the last few years. Not just because she is good but because she has met and mixed with younger/older boys and girls - has loads and loads of friends from own and other teams - she is thriving.
My des is just like me and would never ever want to go to BS he would hate it

Pawprint · 05/03/2014 17:03

I couldn't spend that much time away from my child. They are children for such a short time - plenty of time for being away from home when they grow up.

I didn't go to boarding school and am very glad. Both my parents went. I think they enjoyed it but I know I would have hated it.

A friend who went to b/s was amazed that I hadn't gone and wondered, rather condescendingly, how I 'coped' when I went to university? I pointed out that I was a GROWN UP when I left home, not a CHILD. So, of course, I coped.

pixiepotter · 05/03/2014 17:07

' at 13 he's still huggy when he's home'
hmm what's that telling you ?

SanityClause · 05/03/2014 17:15

My father boarded. He lived in a very rural part of Australia, and it was not at all unusual for children in his small country town (a village by UK standards) to board in a larger town over a hundred miles away.

He always seems positive about it, and he and his siblings were all very close to their parents. In fact, his mother lived in a granny flat that was part of our house, after his father died.

There was talk of me going away to my aunt's old school for the last couple of years of school, and I really wanted to go. I expect it was financial constraints that meant I didn't get the chance. I think it would have been a good experience for me, and I would have got better results at school than I did. I was certainly capable of better results.

I would let my DC board, if they wanted to, and I could find a way of paying for it.

squoosh · 05/03/2014 17:16

pixiepotter why are you so determined to to make the parents of boarders feel like shit? You've made your parenting choices, let others make theirs.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 17:22

that he has a very good relationship with his parents Pixiepotter and is able to show them affection ?

handcream · 05/03/2014 17:29

Pixie and Cailin have made their choices. I think they are clinging onto their kids for dear life. When they are gone from you if not in body than in spirit you will still be clinging on. You are making your whole life about what YOU want. You have decided that parents of boarders are almost undertaking child abuse.

I sort of understand it - when they are young you cannot imagine them going anywhere without you. Please dont force your own views and clingness (is there such a word!) onto them. You are likely to end up with an under confident child with a chip on their shoulder about the 'posh boys who go to boarding school'.

CailinDana · 05/03/2014 17:44

I don't see having my children in the same house as me as "clingy," I just see it as a normal thing that parents do. I also never said or implied that sending children to bs was abusive, in fact I think it's a good way for some children to get away from abuse.

Animation · 05/03/2014 17:47

Handcream. I didn't interpret Pixie and Cailin's post's in such a black and white terms. I personally like to hear all perspectives.

This is a good thread.

handcream · 05/03/2014 17:58

I really dontknow anyone at my DS's school'sthat doesnt have a good family life. Certainly there are more parents together than single parents.

I have also never heard of kids being sent away to boarding school to avoid the abuse. If you are abusing someone surely you want them to be around you all of the time to bully and abuse. Your target will have gone if you send them away to school. You also run th risk of them seeing that your baheviour is not normal and they could end up reporting you.

Really I do think you are on the wrong lines about this abuse marklarly for boarding school pupils.

JessePinkmansMom · 05/03/2014 18:00

And I totally agree that boarding is not for everyone. But the OP asked why people do choose it and has been answered by a huge majority who are delighted with it and who have happy, thriving children.

To be fair Diablo I am sure there a great many happy, thriving children who board, but having made that decision often on their chilren's behalves (and for their own sometimes selfish or misguided reasons) their parents are not always best placed to be objective and entirely honest about whether they are truly happy and thriving or not.

handcream · 05/03/2014 18:02

Jesse, yes I do take your point. That's why I have asked close family members to flag anything they see or hear. I fully accept that I might not see what I dont want to see.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 18:07

I think whatever school children go to - including their own local state school they may not be truly happy.

As I said before I think most parents make their decision based on what they believe is best for their kids - rightly or wrongly

manicinsomniac · 05/03/2014 18:10

You know, either life at boarding school is perfect and wonderful for pretty much all children (in which case it's very different from my experience and that of my siblings), or there are many parents out there with a desperate vested interest to believe that it's so.

It isn't perfect.

It is wonderful for those children who enjoy it or who need the stability/to be away from their home environment.

It is very different from your experience and that of your siblings.

My children very rarely board so I am not a parent with a vested interest. I am a boarding tutor who has seen 8 years worth of children though a very happy, very busy at times but very chilled at times boarding house.

diabolo · 05/03/2014 18:10

My comment there was based on what DS tells me about his friends who do board.

I assume (perhaps wrongly), they would tell their friends if they were unhappy in any way, or at DS would see it during the social time hedges spend there.

He wants to board because he believes his friends are happy.

diabolo · 05/03/2014 18:11

Hedges?????

That should have been "he does".

Bizarre iPad.

theimposter · 05/03/2014 19:02

I went aged 12. It was my choice as there was a big age gap between my sisters and I and I wanted to have friends around as we lived somewhere that necessitated car trips for 'play dates'. There were good bits and bad bits (more good bits) and I am very close to my parents. I feel it has given me the self sufficiency to just get on with new situations such as taking a job on the other side of the world and travelling solo after uni. You get used to doing things for yourself in all aspects and having to be diplomatic and get on with all sorts of people which is something a lot of people in the workplace could learn from! A great start in life IMHO.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 19:12

Thanks theimposter it is good to here a positive experience - your post has confirmed what I hope (and think) my dd is getti g from the experience :)

lurkerspeaks · 05/03/2014 19:19

I chose to board because home was terrible (warring parents), my school was a pit of academic mediocrity and I was being bullied.

I moved to a world with adults who were polite and civil to each other, classes of 7 pupils and amazing extracurricular opportunities.

I was 15 when I started.

If I had a confident outgoing child I would send them in a heartbeat especially if I were a lone parent as I have a job involving erratic/ unpredictable overnight work.

marmitecat · 05/03/2014 19:22

My dcs don't board at the moment but my 8yo will in September. He wants to be a cathedral chorister because he loves singing and loves music. He will be a weekly boarder in his first year. I will miss him terribly.

But I boarded at 8yo so I know he probably won't miss me as much as I miss him. And I know that he is driven by his love of music - he nagged us reluctant parents to go for voice trials, and he is old enough to understand the decision he is taking.

If it wasn't for that I wouldn't send my kids to board, not least because I couldn't afford it but mainly because w have lovely local schools and they are happy as things are.

lonnika · 05/03/2014 19:24

Good luck to your son Marmitecat

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/03/2014 19:52

My PIL are definitely not the types to consider boarding school. (Until he got to university dh didn't know anyone who went to private school - let alone boarding.

My BIL was playing senior international sport by the age of 13. At 16 he went to live in the National Sports Centre for the sport and also attending the local comprehensive to do his A levels.

It wasn't exactly boarding school (he lived in the equivalent of university halls - mainly with adults) but he lived away from home as a child which his parents had never planned.

Personally I don't think boarding school is right for our children - although we are likely to go private at secondary. I think the day to day minutiae of family life is important. But I have left my mind open - just a crack- in case circumstances are different to expected.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/03/2014 21:02

Good luck to your son Marmitecat well done him.
Please do a lovely stealth boast around xmas time and we can all congratulate him Grin

diamondlizard · 05/03/2014 21:26

was this on sky1?