To cancel Pancake Tuesday?

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I posted on here the other day my dd's behaviour. She keeps waking me up really early in morn, bursts into my room at all hours. This morn she came in at 6. I sent her back to her room, so she stood outside it with a whistle instead.

I have tried everything (aside from buying her one of those special clocks) She always claims she just wants to know what time it is, what time I'm getting up. She has a room full of toys, just will not entertain herself. She is pretty much like that when she's awake as well. I was so frustrated this morn that i burst into tears. I've pleaded with her, begged even. I don't sleep well as it is.

I've told her she can't go to her activity and pancakes are off. I am guilty of not following through with what I say. Is this too harsh a punishment?

YABU to use food as a punishment like that.

You need to address her lack of independence. At seven, she should be perfectly capable of getting up and putting the TV on and sitting quietly. Hell, my 4 year old DSD can do that for her and her younger sisters. She obviously relies on you a lot to do things, which isn't great.

I think you need to get her a big clock that changes colour at getting up time. Tell her she can stay in her room and watch a DVD or colour or play quietly until then, and when the clock changes colour, she can come in and wake mummy for cuddles. Give her a reward for everyday she does it (a sticker maybe) and if she manages it for a week, maybe get her something she wants or take her somewhere special as a treat for being so grown up and responsible.

It's not her fault that you generally don't sleep well, but you CAN tackle the 5 am thing. You don't have to buy a gadget - you must have clocks in the house?

Agree re the tv/DVD watching thru the day btw, I reckon she will quickly learn.

you can buy watches really cheaply.

Mmmm opinion is divided then on whether pancakes can be seen as reward/punishment.

I was of the view that they are a treat. She was very upset when I told her we weren't doing them - she has a very very sweet tooth and it's a big thing for her. I guess I knew it would 'hit' her hard. She kept saying sorry but she says that all the time and just carries on as normal.

Reward charts worked for us - 4 year old dd has a sticker chart that she completes by staying away from me in her room until 7....if she comes down earlier then there's no chance of that sticker. When it's full (there are 12) she gets to choose a treat.

Agree with you all about using a normal clock. I will get one today and put it in her room with a photo - good idea.

My dd says she just wants to know what time it is etc and to make sure we don't sleep in etc but I don't accept this - I never sleep in and I've told her she just needs to play quietly and I'll come and fetch her when the alarm goes off.

Not to derail the argument but my DH also says sorry all the time but is still an arse....sorry is easy to say, if you think it allows you to carry on doing what you are doing!

She's always been hugely demanding in the sense that she can't play alone. She has a room full of toys that are literally untouched, still in boxes. She just always wants to be in whatever room I'm in. This extends to using babysitters etc, she isn't very happy and guilts me about it, saying her dad never leaves her and 'why did I have her only to leave her with other people' . For real.

Can you skip pancakes today but promise to do pancakes as a reward after a week of no early rising. Agree a clock is a good idea.

I love my sleep and am crabby as hell without it. In dd's case I was determined to tackle this as soon as she worked out that it was even possible to leave her room...... I have an analogue AND digital clock; with a written '0700' next to the digital and a hand drawn analogue one next to that - I think I prob got her to help draw this. Maybe do that with her?

Does she have any way of telling what the time is? If not it must be horrible waking up, and having no idea how long she has to wait until she is allowed to get up. You don't need anything fancy. I have an early waker too, and I've started giving her my watch at night. She is allowed to get up at 7, and not before. She does play quite loudly, but manages to stay in her room until it is 7. If she still won't stay in her room until a reasonable time once she knows what the time is, then its time to get tough.

You can try clocks and the like, but while she sees herself as number 1 and you as her personal assistant, she isn't going to stop it.

You need to change how you react to her throughout everything, not just in the mornings.

So, stop putting the tv on. Does she dress herself? Tidy her own room? Does she help around the house?

At 7 these are all things she should be doing. My 5 year old loads the dishwasher, tidies up toys and hangs out washing on the clothes horse.

Yes she dresses herself but that was a battle to achieve....we are there now though to be fair to her. She will tidy her room with a big huff and puff and she loves to 'help' with cooking but as far as chores go....not really. I do make her bring up her washing to the machine and pick up after herself

I also really think food is something that should never be punishment or reward. It can lead to some really screwed up eating habits!

If you have already said she can't have them, and she already does not respect anything you say or want, if you now give them to her - you are further reenforcing her already strong belief that she does not have to listen to anything you say or do anything you want.

There is no law against pancakes on any day of the year.

You can decide next week, or the week after that, to have pancakes for dinner (not that you tell her that of course)

If you don't ever get up, then there must be something you are doing that is meeting whatever need she has. Or she would not keep doing it.

Do you let her stay with you?
Do you give her attention?

"her dad never leaves her and 'why did I have her only to leave her with other people"

Where's she getting that from? Is your ex behaving as he should? That sounds like an odd thing for a 7 year old to say. Has that been said to her or within her hearing?

Maybe you could see if there is a course you can take that could teach you some different strategies?

Don't allow her to 'guilt' you.

You really need to honestly examine yourself here. Everything you say, everything you do, how you react to her in all of these situations. See what you may be doing, saying, how you can change what you do in order to change what she does.

That isn't a criticism of you! It's just that that is where we all have to start when we are faced with someone who will not behave in the way we need them to behave. How can we change what we are doing in order to get the result that we need.

she has a huge need to be in control, doesn't she? does feeling that she's not in control make her feel unsafe? that's something to work on.

I would say no pancakes today but she can have them at the weekend or next Tuesday if she stays in bed til 7 every morning til then.

Are you a lone parent then ? & she's an only child ?

I think I'd co sleep just so you both get more sleep every morning
Then hopefully her behaviour will improve & you will be able to cope with her better

I see pancakes on shrove tuesday as an activity more than food tbh. Aslong as she's not missing a meal then its not using food as a punishment.

My 5 year old would sit on top of me all day every day if she could get away with it. So I do sympathise.

I'd buy a digital clock for her room and do a reward chart for not getting up before 7. Tell her she can play quietly in her room if she wakes up early but that she will not get a stamp/sticker/whatever if she disturbs anyone else or comes out of her room (for anything other than toileting needs, obviously).

And, crucially, ensure that you do this every day. She can have a small reward when she completes a full week, and doesn't get anything if she doesn't.

It will work.

I'd bin the whistle too.

Thanks everyone. I know I need to look at myself. I am VERY shouty and I fucking hate myself for it. My partner hates it too but is sympathetic because dd is generally a very nice child and is a dreamboat at school but she is demanding at home. It's funny because she isn't demanding in a typical sense. It's more that she wants my attention all the time and it's hard for us as a family. I spend far too much time doing activities and keeping her 'happy' that i literally fill up every spare window of time we have going fun places and doing fun things, it's no wonder she thinks she is queen bee and it's no wonder she isn't interested in toys. My dd is the kind of child that asks you straight away on a Friday after school what we are doing for the weekend and while we are in the cinema she will ask where we are going after that. I have caused so much of this through guilt parenting. My dd isn't shouty, rude or outrageous in any particular manner (other than mornings, ha) hit she certainly acts 'entitled' . No doubt about it.

I spend far too many mornings feeling like this, it's unreal.

Or, you can extend the reward thing to encompass more activities. With DS2 (4) we do a 'home credits' system (he named it, based on something they do at school). He can earn a home credit for doing different activities: tidying his room, getting dressed, anything we need him to do. The home credits go in to a small box and he gets a small treat when he's filled it up so the lid won't shut.

He loves this system and thinks up ways to earn extra credits (by putting stuff away for me in the kitchen, etc). He usually fills the box up in a week.

How is she at school?
Do the teachers have a problem with her impulsiveness, and her disregard for instructions from an adult and her inability to focus on a task?
How does she behave with adults other than you, relatives or out of school activities?

He 'home credits' are plastic bead things, btw.