To cancel Pancake Tuesday?

[nocontactforevermore]

I posted on here the other day my dd's behaviour. She keeps waking me up really early in morn, bursts into my room at all hours. This morn she came in at 6. I sent her back to her room, so she stood outside it with a whistle instead.

I have tried everything (aside from buying her one of those special clocks) She always claims she just wants to know what time it is, what time I'm getting up. She has a room full of toys, just will not entertain herself. She is pretty much like that when she's awake as well. I was so frustrated this morn that i burst into tears. I've pleaded with her, begged even. I don't sleep well as it is.

I've told her she can't go to her activity and pancakes are off. I am guilty of not following through with what I say. Is this too harsh a punishment?

[HadABadDay2014]

But why are you up till 2am or 3am.

What time does she go to sleep.

[wannaBe]

this is a seven year old we are talking about not a two year old. She is way past the age of needing sticker charts and special clocks, she needs to be told in no uncertain terms and there need to be consequences for her behaviour.

If she wants to know what time it is then get her an alarm clock set for the time she can get up.

any getting up earlier, whistling, jumping, bursting in will be met with sanctions, which you always always follow through. As soon as you fail to follow through on a sanction like that she gets the message that it doesn't matter.

Saying no pancakes isn't using food as a punishment, it's no different to saying no sweets at the shop, so you must follow through on that.

She is old enough to have a bit of respect and I would come down like a ton of bricks on behaviors like standing outside with a whistle at 6 AM.

[nocontactforevermore]

I just hate the way I handle things. It's always in a rage. Always

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Why are you acting like her servant? Her valet? She says "entertain me!" And you appear to be jumping! Did your mother?

If you do everything for her she will just expect you to. It sounds like you have begun a habit. Why?

[nocontactforevermore]

I just don't sleep well- the slightest noise and I'm awake. I was offered tablets but don't want to take them.

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

House points.

I don't have the same issues as you (mine have to be woken up) but housepoints have worked wonders.

We have a chart in the kitchen so they can see their progress.

[WilsonFrickett]

I totally agree that food shouldn't be used as punishment, but pancakes aren't 'food' in that sense, they are a seasonal treat/activity. So yes, I think you should follow through - no pancakes today.

You can offer her pancakes on Sunday, say, if she earns them.

Start with a clock and the first step is she has to stay in her room till 7. It doesn't matter what she does, or how much noise she makes, she just has to stay in her room. (although I'd be binning whistles, recorders and the like). Once she's got that, you can move on to playing quietly, going downstairs etc.

Absolutely 100% agree you should never put the tv on for her again - she knows how to do it!

For general communication I highly recommend 'how to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk'. That will give you other strategies rather than conflict.

If you have a child who likes to be in control, and a parent who (naturally) wants to be in control, you basically have two immovable forces. You need to find other ways to manage her behaviour - taking the conflict and drama out of the situation. If you google PDA* you will also see some different strategies to try.

I am not suggesting for one moment that your DD has PDA. Just that you may find some interesting techniques developed to help children with that condition which you could use yourself.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

It's not always in a rage it's just you are letting lots of small thing build without dealing so the final straw breaks your temper.

Start at the first not the third.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

yeah, don't hate yourself for it, there's no point in that but if there is any way to train yourself out of shouting, that would be helpful. If you are a 'shouty person' then at this point all you are doing is expressing your own frustration by yelling because I've seen kids of shouty parents and they get to a point where they don't even register it.

[PandaFeet]

I think that you have taught her that free time must be spent doing something. IMO its very important for children to learn that free time can be boring, and that activities such as the cinema are a treat. Its no wonder that she can't play quietly in her room really, she has no idea how to.

What do you feel guilty for? What are you over compensating for?

I would worry that as she gets older she will always be looking for more. Soon the cinema will be boring. What reckless behaviour will she turn to to entertain herself?

[goshhhhhh]

I agree with Pandafeet. See through your punishments. She won't like it & you need to be strong. It will be better for her in the long run as you are setting up problem adult behaviours. Have you tried 123 magic?

[CalamitouslyWrong]

It's silly to say that a 7 year old is 'too old' for reward chart type systems. The fact is the OP needs a system that will help her to get better behaviour out of her daughter. Telling her just isn't working, so she needs something else.

They use house/team/whatever points (they're 'family credits at Ds2's school) in schools for a reason: the work. And teachers use them with children much older than seven, often to great effect.

Corporations use something very similar to this system to encourage adults to do the things they want (spend more in their shops usually). What do you think a loyalty card is? They use this method because it works. People will fill up their card in a coffee shop so they can get a free coffee.

[nocontactforevermore]

Love the idea of house points , brilliant idea! I think she will love them too. I start SO many mornings like this. It's awful. I am determined to make it better. I don't know really why I'm guilty. Perhaps because her dad and I have separated. Everything seems amazing in his house. He also does a lot with her - perhaps I'm competing???

[pictish]

I agree wanna. My tolerance for this would be zero, and I'd come down hard on it, with consequences outlined to her, and then followed through on. No messing.
She is well old enough to know when the time starts with a 7, and also old enough to turn the tv on by herself, despite refusing to learn. She is exerting control over you, and is treating you like an inferior...refusing to do as she is told, and repeatedly disturbing you despite being told not to, and that is completely unacceptable.
Standing outside with a whistle is out and out bad behaviour. So she wants you to get up? So what? You don't want to, so that's that - tough titty kid! She's not in charge here - you are!!

Buy a bog standard clock and set an alarm for 7 telling her she may come through to you when it goes off and NOT BEFORE! If she dares, make sure she knows what the conmsequences will be...then apply them!!

[LucyLasticBand]

have you tried doing less exciting things, just more, together things with her?
and what about letting her in your bed for a cuddle at 6, would you mind that? does she want that.
she is being clingy.

count to 10, i know its easier to say than do, before you shout.

consider taking your tablets so you can sleep perhaps. once you feel better you will cope better .

[HadABadDay2014]

Make it a family thing. Allow her to give you house points as well.

One thing though is never take house points or rewards away.

If she isn't playing with the toys in her bedroom how about you sell some of them and then use the money for something else perhaps a tablet.

You are doing the best you can with little or no sleep.

I would recommend taking the sleeping tablets though, you will feel a million times better when you have had a good night sleep.

[nocontactforevermore]

Does anyone think I should buy the clock today and start afresh tomorrow with new rules etc and then allow the pancakes? I admit I've been refusing to give into the idea of buying a clock because I had it in my head I would have to buy one of those special ones ( she can't tell time yet) but of course I never even thought of buying a normal one. I'm an idiot aren't i? Haven't exactly been malign it easy for her but I stand by what I say in that she should just learn to do as she's told!

[CalamitouslyWrong]

You might also want to think about ensuring that there is empty time in your weekends, so your DD learns not to expect constant entertainment and to entertain herself.

Make treats and activities contingent on completing whatever reward system you choose for that week (and make them more scarce), and stick to that. You can give rewards for doing things on her own. So, she plays on her own in her room (and doesn't bother you) for a specified length of time and she gets a point/sticker/stamp/reward. You can start with shorter times and increase this until, at some point, you won't need to do it anymore as she'll start to enjoy playing by herself (hopefully).

You could also consider parenting classes, since you're not happy with how you respond to your DD. They might help you to feel less like shouty mum in a rage, which would probably make you happier.

[PandaFeet]

OP, have you dealt with the issues regarding the toilet, or is that still happening?

I can sympathise with the guilt over being seperated. I often find myself over compensating with my eldest because I feel bad that she doesn't live with both her parents.

[nocontactforevermore]

I have to go to work now folks but will check in again later today. You've been fab. My usual reaction to theses kinds of mornings after sending her off to school upset ( because I've gone into a shitty shouting fit) is to spend the day wanting to cry at the thought of her siting in her classroom worrying about this morning :/

[WilsonFrickett]

NO! Do not do the pancakes! Every clock in the world and Supernanny combined won't make a difference if you don't follow through. You said no pancakes today, so no pancakes today.

Although of course she can earn them at the weekend if she stays in her room.

Seriously, I have a child with ASD who can push me to the limit, I have backed myself into a corner on many occasions and bitterly regretted it, but I always follow through with a reasonable sanction - and this is a reasonable sanction. the time I put all his toys in a bin bag was not reasonable. In that case, I apologised and put them back

[LucyLasticBand]

aw, she will have forgotten op - i bet

[pictish]

OP yes...I think that's a good idea.

Make the pancakes and have a frank chat with her over dinner. Tell her how it is going to be from now on in...no debate, no discussion, no devioation from the plan.
Here is a clock, that is a 7, do as you are told starting tomorrow, or I will take away xxx/cancel xxx/not allow you to xxx/whatever you think is suitable as a consequence.

Personally I'm not one for housepoints or reward charts ir any of that sort of faff stuff. I find sticking to my guns and being in charge works well enough for me.

[CalamitouslyWrong]

And don't feel you need to compete with your ex. Everything is not perfect at his house for a start. I can say that with certainty.

If he's disney dad-in it up to the max, you do not need to make sure you provide equal of better entertainment in your time. It is OK to let your DD loll around in her room doing nothing or playing or reading. Indeed, it's good to learn how to be a bit bored and occupy yourself.