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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partner told friends that she has had 110 partners last night

526 replies

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 09:47

My partner of 7 years who is 40 told some friends that she had slept with approximately 110 men in the past. I did know this, but feel angry that she decided to tell others. It was at a school reunion do that I was not at. The question was specifically asked in a finding out game. I don't understand why she didn't tell them to mind their own business or lie.

She has hinted at it before to my brother too. May have actually told him but I'm unsure.

Why would she do this? Am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?
Thanks
Confused and angry bloke

OP posts:

VivianStanshall · 02/03/2014 11:21

You have to decide Plutorover if it is too big a problem for you.

If I was in your position and had accepted it (which doesn't mean you had to be happy about it, but you did accept it) and been with her for 7 years I would say it's a bit mean to walk away now.

I would not have accepted it in the first place but you have so what other people think should matter much less than what you think.

Agreed that she shouldn't be going round telling people even if asked if she knows that it hurts you.

Goblinchild · 02/03/2014 11:21

Are you worried that the village will judge her as a slag, and that your social standing will be compromised?
Are you concerned that they will think less of you for having a very experienced partner?
You need to work out the truth of why you think it is embarrassing for you, and if you can cope with her disclosure and stay in a partnership with her.
If it's going to eat at you, then the future of your relationship is in danger. It's not as if she can change her past, even if she wanted to.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/03/2014 11:23

Talk about slut shaming.

YABVVVVU.

CailinDana · 02/03/2014 11:23

Can you pinpoint why it's embarrassing for you OP?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 02/03/2014 11:24

So you are ashamed and embarrassed that your partner has slept with a lot of people?

why?

That's really what you need to address.

Why is it a problem how many people a woman has slept with? Why should she have lied in order that people don't find out?

You feel she will be judged by others based on the fact that you judge her? Because that's the core of it, isn't it?

you judge her for her sexual history. you think that it is something she has a duty to hide.

That really is your problem and it's something you're going to need to think about. There is nothing wrong with someone having had sex with a lot of people. There's nothing wrong with someone having had sex with nobody. It's just sex. It's not shameful, not a dirty secret, not something that someone must lie about.

That is not to say that it isn't ridiculous to play silly games! and if you were saying you thought it was silly, then I'd agree with that.

But it is your view that she should have lied about the number that cuts right through to the heart of your problem.

You're ashamed of her sexual history. You think it reflects badly either on her or possibly even on you.

Goblinchild · 02/03/2014 11:24

I don't think you need to accept this and forget it, you need to decide if this is a deal-breaker, one you are unable to live with. If it is, then you need to be honest about it, to yourself and with her, and you need to end the relationship.

PavlovtheCat · 02/03/2014 11:25

If you are worried that the village will judge you, then, well, you probably should not be living in a village. You will be judged for whether you put your washing out in size/colour order, or your political views, or absence of. You will be judged on how you keep your garden, how you raise your children, and how you contribute to the village. You will be judged more harshly because you are from London. So, lets get it that clear, if you don't want to be judged, do not live in a village.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 11:26

But why is it assumed that having a high number is something to be ashamed about?
It's 2014 not 1884.
Women are allowed to enjoy sex. Encouraged to, even.
Just another way to hate on women, slut shaming at its finest.
(And no, I don't have such a high number, not even close. I married young)

Goblinchild · 02/03/2014 11:26

Got that right, Pavlov!

Do you have children with her, OP?

DarlingGrace · 02/03/2014 11:26

But why shout about something so personal and dare I say it unusual? Why not keep it to yourself?

Does she attention seek in other areas of her life? Is she one of those who like to top trumps everyone else and shock people?

Village life, are your family close by? Really grim if your family know her past. I agree the anonymity of a city can be a wonderful thing. I come from a small community - I could probably tell you every shag my g/g/g grandparents had it's that small.

She has no discretion nor regard for you.

shakethetree · 02/03/2014 11:27

I'd be more annoyed that she 'hinted' it to your brother tbh.

Goblinchild · 02/03/2014 11:28

Perhaps there are women on MN whose partners have as many sexual relationships in the past, and who would struggle with the idea of the whole village knowing that.
Is it slut-shaming? The OP knew about his partners past.

CailinDana · 02/03/2014 11:28

To add to what Vivian said, it's perfectly fine to choose not to go out with someone because you don't like an aspect of their past. But it is absolutely not fine to pretend to accept it but then try to place rules and regulations around it or to try to make them ashamed of it. You can't control what she says to her friends about herself. It is her past she has every right to talk about it.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 11:29

It's not unusual.

Original poster

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 11:31

Interesting how I can't come to the site and get my thoughts supported! I was expecting everyone to be shocked and angry too!
Well I guess I'll have to get over it.
Thanks to you all.

She is lovely by the way.

OP posts:

shakethetree · 02/03/2014 11:31

Katiescarlett; it's not a gender issue, I'd be saying the same if the op was a woman talking about her husband. Having over 100 sexual partners is a bit shocking ( to me anyway ) whatever you are.

qazxc · 02/03/2014 11:31

I honestly don't think anyone in your small town will give a stuff TBH. Surely over people were partaking in this truth or dare game and have volunteered information, do you judge them or their partner for it? Especially if as you say there hasn't been and isn't likely to be contact between the attendees.
She hasn't done anything wrong, you need to put it behind you.

Only1scoop · 02/03/2014 11:34

I wouldn't be particularly happy with my dp announcing how many partners he's had on a night out with our friends.

I couldn't give a shiny shite how many past partners he's had....

I'd find him a but sad and almost desperate for quoting the exact figure. I'd feel it was all a little childish and attention seeking to be honest....

CailinDana · 02/03/2014 11:34

It's great that she's lovely Pluto.

Can I ask though - do you realise sleeping with 110 is nothing to be embarrassed about?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 02/03/2014 11:34

but why is it shameful? Why is it something that must be lied about?

and someone compared it to earnings or politics etc

well ok, fair enough, if you don't want to disclose your earnings, then you say that's really none of your business. If you don't want to talk politics then you say so.

but is it reasonable to say that someone has a duty to lie about either of those things because the truth is shameful?

so, say I earn £50,000 a year. I should lie about it? I should say I earn £20,000?

If I voted green in the last election, I should say I voted labour?

The comparison is flawed.

There is a case for privacy if privacy is what the person chooses. But to ask why someone did not lie is not about privacy. To lie implies shame about the truth. Privacy is saying I am not willing to discuss that subject. Or that's really none of your business. But to lie? To pretend a different reality because the truth must be hidden? That is what is wrong with all of this.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 11:35

Only, she didn't announce anything.
She was asked. She answered.

CailinDana · 02/03/2014 11:35

Saying it at a party is a bit silly but hey we've all said silly things with drink taken.

DarlingGrace · 02/03/2014 11:36

I've supported you - and I'm not slut-shaming either.

The whole hawking your business and emotions out in public is just so un-British and I don't like it! So there! It's just so Diana-esque. There was a time when people had dignity, discretion and decorum - all sadly lacking in modern life.

usuallyright · 02/03/2014 11:36

wow, one of those Mumsnet threads which make me wonder why I'm so different to the majority view.
This is personal information not up for public consumption. It's not slut shaming, it's just odd to share private information in that way.
Op, YANBU.

qazxc · 02/03/2014 11:37

Pluto, if you ask for people's opinions you can't be unhappy because they give them and that they are different than yours.

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