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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partner told friends that she has had 110 partners last night

526 replies

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 09:47

My partner of 7 years who is 40 told some friends that she had slept with approximately 110 men in the past. I did know this, but feel angry that she decided to tell others. It was at a school reunion do that I was not at. The question was specifically asked in a finding out game. I don't understand why she didn't tell them to mind their own business or lie.

She has hinted at it before to my brother too. May have actually told him but I'm unsure.

Why would she do this? Am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?
Thanks
Confused and angry bloke

OP posts:
Daykin · 04/03/2014 12:25

Even the OP hasn't mentioned he has a problem with the number of sexual partners she's had.

Well, he did put it in the thread title, and he said it's a very high number and unusual. He also said other people would judge her based on the number, not based on her declaring the number. He said she should have declined to answer or told a lie. He has said she should have lied several times and said it would be a 'white lie' and I can only conclude that the lie would be 'the number'. He has said that she hinted 'it' to his brother. As She was 33 when they got together then it's safe to assume that the hint was the number rather than the fact that there had been anyone at all before the OP. I'd bet my house that if she'd lied and said '4' then he wouldn't be bitching about her discussing her private life at a school reunion.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/03/2014 12:25

For many of us on the thread, the number isn't shameful and it isn't because she's a woman.

If someone at a reunion said to me, 'oh, you went out with blah blah, what was he like in bed? tell me about his cock...' and I said, oh, he was wild in bed, we used to do it ten times in every position and his cock was enormous.' DH would probably be a tad upset.

McNickenChuggets · 04/03/2014 13:12

That's it JohnFarleys - There's a such thing as an overshare

BIWI · 04/03/2014 13:19

But - why does it matter if she shared the information? Why is the OP embarrassed (or annoyed) enough to come and register on MN to talk about it - and in AIBU Hmm? He evidently isn't happy with it, but it's her life and her right to talk about whatever she wants to.

Crowler · 04/03/2014 13:21

BIWI I'm as surprised to discover there are people who this wouldn't bother as you are to discover the opposite! My main takeaway from this thread is that I am more conservative than I realized.

McNickenChuggets · 04/03/2014 13:23

I think many MNers try to come across as uber liberal when in rl they probably aren't Hmm

BIWI · 04/03/2014 13:25

What I can't understand is the reaction to her sharing her own sexual history. It's hers and hers alone, and therefore her right to talk about it. Just because she's in a new partnership does not mean that her partner has any right to say what she can and can't talk about.

Crowler · 04/03/2014 13:30

Sorry, I don't buy that. It's not about controlling her language, it's about having some restraint.

McNickenChuggets · 04/03/2014 13:32

Yes it is her right to discuss her own sexual history with whoever she wants. Her fella didn't like it. Maybe he should have just discussed it with her and her alone and not posted this thread. Or kept his feelings unknown completely. Anyway he's probably feeling like a prize idiot after the flaming the majority of folk have given him hence his reluctance to post back. Some people on here can be mean. For all their liberal wisdom I mean

BasketzatDawn · 04/03/2014 13:41

My big question would be: How did she manage to keep count?Grin

I suppose it would depend too how she told the tale, e.g. was she bragging or just matter of fact?

And - NO - I have not read all 21 pages of this thread. So I may well be repeating others' comments.Life is too short for that.

shakethetree · 04/03/2014 13:42

She could have been a bit more discreet to save her partners embarrassment - because like it or not having 110 sexual partners is a bit 'crikey !' to most people. & I'm speaking generally here as the op has long gone.

BIWI · 04/03/2014 13:43

Why though? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to antagonistic, I just really don't understand why he gets to say what she can and can't talk about. It has actually nothing to do with him.

And yes, the irony of him giving away his partner's sexual history on a public forum hasn't escaped me!

BIWI · 04/03/2014 13:43

... but the thing is, it's up to her to share that, whether or not other people think it's dodgy.

shakethetree · 04/03/2014 13:53

Biwi - I'm looking at it from my point of view & I wouldn't want my partner disclosing his sexual past to a load of drunken old school friends, regardless of the amount, but having over 100 previous sex partners would make it worse as I find that figure astonishing - this isn't easy to say & it won't go down well ( pardon the pun ) but I'd think he'd been really easy & probably would have shagged anything, which is fair enough if you're free & single, just wouldn't have been the life I'd choose.

Crowler · 04/03/2014 13:57

BIWI, I think it's crass. I'm not sure why. It's like the famous line: I shall not attempt to define it, but I know it when I see it.

Kind of like discussing money.

Animation · 04/03/2014 14:09

I would say that some things are too personal to discuss at such a reunion. Just because a bunch of people ask about your sexual history doesn't mean you have to give a blow by blow account. You can be more discreet than that or use humour to deflect.

WilsonFrickett · 04/03/2014 14:14

Perhaps, in a nutshell, she sees her sexual history as hers
He sees it as theirs

I could go into a huge spiel about agency and patriarchy but instead will just muse that, after all, it is called hisstory.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/03/2014 14:18

But I don't want my DH revealing stuff like that either. What does that make me? oppressed.

Actually, I remember thinking, Nick Clegg, you twat, when he told a magazine he'd slept with about 35 people. I bet Miriam said, you twat, as well.

BIWI · 04/03/2014 16:52

Things I have done in my life are up to me to talk about. My DH may not like me talking about them, but so what? It's not up to him to say what I can or can't talk about.

Now, if it was stuff we had done together, then that would be different, because that would be a shared history. But he (or anyone else's partner) has no right to say what I can and can't share with anyone else.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/03/2014 16:58

Meh. If he's upset he's upset.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2014 17:18

I haven't mentioned a single thing about the number of sexual partners she's had. She could have said 2 for all I bloody care.

My point was that some people find it embarrassing to have personal things aired, either their own or that of their partner full stop.

So if she was asked 'How many people have you slept with?' and she answered '2', you would still feel the same as her saying '110' would you?

You would consider that inappropriate and that she should have refused to answer? No. The problem that everyone has (if they have a problem) is the large number.

If someone at a reunion said to me, 'oh, you went out with blah blah, what was he like in bed? tell me about his cock...' and I said, oh, he was wild in bed, we used to do it ten times in every position and his cock was enormous.' DH would probably be a tad upset.

Exactly. And she didn't do that. She simply answered the question with a number. Which is her business and her right to do and does not reflect badly on her, or her partner. Unless someone judges her as a 'slapper' or some other insult, for having lots of sexual partners.

That's all it is. Plain and simple. The number is the problem for some people. If her number was 2, there would no issue, even if she told people.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/03/2014 18:11

Originally you said the only people who would have a problem with this were those who thought the number was too high.

Now you concede the number is the problem for 'some people'

I think she was indiscreet. I also think, but now realise I am in a minority on this, keeping count is weird.

Yes, I would say that if it were a man too.

Animation · 04/03/2014 18:15

Why answer the question just like that and say 110??

I find it hard to believe many women would Confused

Fairenuff · 04/03/2014 18:20

Originally you said the only people who would have a problem with this were those who thought the number was too high.

Now you concede the number is the problem for 'some people'

Er, John, what is the difference between those two statements?

On this thread 'some people' have a problem with the number and 'some people' don't.

The ones who do, think, like OP, that it is bad or wrong. The ones that don't, agree with OP's partner that she has nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/03/2014 21:54

You originally said the only people who would have a problem with (her disclosure) was those that think there is something wrong with lots of sexual posters.

I don't believe this to be true.

Then you said the number is the problem for 'some' people. I interpreted that as 'some people have a problem with the numbers - others however have a problem with the lack of discretion.'

I see now that you might not have meant it like that!