Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner told friends that she has had 110 partners last night

526 replies

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 09:47

My partner of 7 years who is 40 told some friends that she had slept with approximately 110 men in the past. I did know this, but feel angry that she decided to tell others. It was at a school reunion do that I was not at. The question was specifically asked in a finding out game. I don't understand why she didn't tell them to mind their own business or lie.

She has hinted at it before to my brother too. May have actually told him but I'm unsure.

Why would she do this? Am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?
Thanks
Confused and angry bloke

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 02/03/2014 12:00

Thing is you need to just get over it because what is the other option?

It is a high number but if you've spent a long time being single it can add up...

Original poster
Plutorover · 02/03/2014 12:01

I DONT CARE that she had an unloved and sad life before she met the wonderful me. I care that something so personal and private was shared to all and sundry and it is especially private cause of what others think even in 2014. She could have lied not because she feels ashamed but because it's a white fucking lie.
Is there a dadsnet? I need some support.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 12:02

You need therapy mate.

CailinDana · 02/03/2014 12:03

In what way will it alter their perspective Pluto?
Be honest, do you feel them knowing you've chosen a "promiscuous" woman as the mother of your future children will make them think less of you? Would you rather they saw her as more "respectable"?

It's ok to say ys to that btw. Society has brought you up to unconsciously separate women into sluts and mothers. The sluts aren't people really. It's hard to get around the mindfuck that perfectly decent women "sleep around" and that prostitutes and sluts aren't lesser beings they're actual people, like your partner.

Your partner is a sexual being. She can also be a mum. The more you can get your head around that the better your relationship will be once kids come along.

prh47bridge · 02/03/2014 12:03

I am a man. If my wife had slept with 110 men and chose to tell people about it that is entirely up to her. As long as the number isn't going up while she is with me I don't care. You have absolutely no reason to feel aggrieved. You are being unreasonable. It is her history. She can tell whoever she wants.

BIWI · 02/03/2014 12:04

I'm struggling, though, to find out exactly why you feel this is necessary. I'm sorry if you don't think this is supportive. But perhaps if you could analyse/explain why you feel like this then it might help?

There are a whole load of posters here telling you that it doesn't matter. Does that not help you feel better about it?

ivanapoo · 02/03/2014 12:05

Playing "truth" is an incredibly childish thing to do for a bunch of 40 year olds. I think I'd be more embarrassed about that! ;)

I personally think my sex life is a private thing and no-one knows who & how many I've slept with, not even DH. It's just a bloody number.

And although 110 is higher than average I don't think it's actually that unusual. I am friends with a few women who've slept with that kind of number and can easily see how it would happen especially for someone who'd been single for a bit.

It's clear you feel ashamed OP but screw anyone else's opinions or prejudices, it doesn't matter one jot as long as YOU can handle the number.

aderynlas · 02/03/2014 12:05

I went to a hen party recently and this question was asked in a spin the bottle game. Everyone was slightly merry and there was lots of laughter. When my turn came along, I said the number and it got the biggest cheer of the night. (blush) Should have kept it private !!

Goblinchild · 02/03/2014 12:05

There is a dadsnet, it can be a while beore you get an answer. Smile

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dadsnet

EverythingCounts · 02/03/2014 12:05

People who would judge her for this are people not worth knowing anyway. So maybe it's your friends who you should take a long hard look at. Your partner is who she is and should not have to lie. If things are fine between you, what does it matter what anyone else thinks?

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 12:06

Over 30 years, about 3 a year on average?
I could have done that easily.

VivianStanshall · 02/03/2014 12:06

Birdsgottafly I would say you are. Some people want long term relationships with somebody that they want to be with, even if it doesn't last forever, and some people want a series of flings / one night stands.

My mates in the RAF with their pull-a-pig nights and tales of foreign prostitutes are in the latter category and I have not felt tempted to join them in these pursuits. They would be up around that magic 110 mark.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2014 12:07

absolutely spot on Aga! If this was a woman angry and hurt because her partner had told people at a school reunion that he'd had 110 partners, mumsnetters would be up in arms at what a crass, undignified, cruel thing he did"

Or our replies would stay the same and we would also point out that if you are single for 10 years, then that is less then one partner a month.

I though that my number would be low, until I was widowed young, but honestly didn't want another relationship, so wanted to spring another man on my grieving children.

I am certainly not "the same dirt of person" as many of the women who seem to think nothing of moving a less than decent man into their children's homes.

In my bed, when their not there, or car, or field etc is a different matter for the odd hour Wink.

If I have an itch, I scratch it and I'm well old enough to decide this.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/03/2014 12:07

OP IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS TO DECIDE WHETHER IT SHOULD STAY PRIVATE OR NOT!

Why cant you understand this? You get no say in what someone else tells people about her previous partners!

CailinDana · 02/03/2014 12:08

Pluto this seems a real issue for you. It's worth addressing properly before moving the relationship forward.

You are not ok with her "number". That doesn't make you a bad person. However, it would be bad to make out that this is her fault and that she should pretend to be different in order to make you feel better. That is no foundation for a relationship.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2014 12:09

Birdsgottafly I would say you are. Some people want long term relationships with somebody that they want to be with, even if it doesn't last forever, and some people want a series of flings / one night stands."

X Post.

But I found the person that I wanted to be with forever, but Cancer had a different plan.

I, at the time, like many others, thought I was set until old age.

I won't accept a less than ideal relationship, having had a very happy marriage for 22 years.

babyheaves · 02/03/2014 12:09

That's rubbish birds. I'd say the same thing to a woman as well.

Plutorover: get over yourself.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 02/03/2014 12:10

I disagree that he would inevitably have had a different response as a woman about a man, but if he chooses to make himself feel better by dismissing views that he does not want to hear, tellinghimself that we are mean mean ladies just being meanies, then he is perfectly free to do so.The reality, however is that certainly my own view would be the same regardless the gender of the person who was saying their partner had a duty to lie because the truth was shameful.

there are 2 distinct issues being treated as 1, which they are not
1 - the belief that certain things are generally considered to be private (fair enough)
2 - the belief that someone has a duty to lie about a number because the truth is shameful/ must be kept secret! (Not fine)

Original poster
Plutorover · 02/03/2014 12:10

I do not separate women into sluts or mothers -what are you on? I love her more than anything else on earth apart from perhaps the kids. We have a very frank and open relationship (open in terms of communication) I simply do not see how you can argue that she should have answered that question in any form we are not 20. The high number makes others judge and that adds a degree of complication and yes to fit in she could have lied a white lie.
I will get over it I now realise that some of the feeling I have are my issues and thank you for that, but please don't start being judgmental on my relationships. I was obviously trying to be funny mentioning her sad life before btw.

OP posts:
ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 02/03/2014 12:11

Baby- birds was quoting someone upthread.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 12:12

So what if others judge, that's their problem, not hers.

Leviticus · 02/03/2014 12:12

If DH went around bragging to other people how many girls he shagged before me I'd think he was a dick. If he was discussing it with my family I'd think he was a dick.

Your DP acted like a dick.

K8Middleton · 02/03/2014 12:12

This is only an issue for people who think women should not be seen to be sexual. Or should only be sexual within strict parameters of what they consider to be the accepted morality.

Why do you think this is an issue for you op? Because it is your issue you know. Not hers and certainly not ours here on Mumsnet.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2014 12:13

Baby Heaves, that was a quote from someone emse, I put "" in to show this, my phone won't let me bold for some reason.

CailinDana · 02/03/2014 12:13

To give an analogy. I've been sexually abused and have had some pretty serious mental health issues in the past. If my DH got angry with me for telling friends that it would be the end of our relationship. It wouldn't matter how much he said he wasn't embarrassed, the fact he wanted me to keep it a secret would tell me otherwise. I am not ashamed and I refuse to let others make me feel I should be ashamed.

It doesn't matter what the "secret" is really, it's how you handle it.