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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner told friends that she has had 110 partners last night

526 replies

Plutorover · 02/03/2014 09:47

My partner of 7 years who is 40 told some friends that she had slept with approximately 110 men in the past. I did know this, but feel angry that she decided to tell others. It was at a school reunion do that I was not at. The question was specifically asked in a finding out game. I don't understand why she didn't tell them to mind their own business or lie.

She has hinted at it before to my brother too. May have actually told him but I'm unsure.

Why would she do this? Am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?
Thanks
Confused and angry bloke

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 03/03/2014 11:08

It used to be more than Lady Di, less than Madonna but times (apparently) are a changing...

Burren · 03/03/2014 11:12

Wilson, is that a Four Weddings and a Funeral quotation??? Grin

(For some reason, it's always Andie McDowell's umbrella that hangs on a leash over her shoulder that gets me in that section. It just looks really odd...)

VeggySausage · 03/03/2014 11:18

Apparently we are still in high school burren

So the correct number is that if you have a vagina there ins't a correct number.

1 makes you a sad frigid prude.

110 makes you a slut.

VeggySausage · 03/03/2014 11:19

I bet the Queen got in there while she could...

AmIHumanYet · 03/03/2014 11:22

OP, this is obviously YOUR problem...

Is this a wind up?! Hmm

McNickenChuggets · 03/03/2014 11:24

Look at the question the OP asks. He says 'am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?'.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer in this case as plainly put OP, no-one can tell you how to feel on the matter.

I don't think your partner did or said anything 'wrong' as it wasn't illegal or immoral to answer a basic question at a high school piss-up! It make might make you feel embarrassed but if you look at why YOU feel embarrassed I think there lies your answer.

I think a lot of people can openly discuss sex in public and feel no shame. I can discuss sex in public and feel no shame in it. It's when it becomes personal I draw a line. For instance if I was discussing dp in public and what he does, how he does it....I think I would feel 'bad' for him....like he deserves more 'respect' from me than me airing to everybody what his performance and technique is like. Because I don't view as a sexual plaything to be analysed by all and sundry. So I have qualms about certain aspects of sexual discussion in public.....but not ALL aspects of them. I can easily crack sex-related jokes and that doesn't bother me and I can have a bit of a smut-mouth when I choose too.

As I said earlier I think some things should remain private between a couple and other things, you should pay no mind to them. OP, look at why this really embarrasses you then weigh up for yourself whether you think you are 'wrong to feel aggrieved'. Your dp did nothing wrong in the grand scheme of things and I think if it was said in jest at a drunken do (would she say this kind of thing normally?) then you would probably do well to let it slide.

Maybe some people's life-maps are easier to navigate than others. Maybe your life was more straight-forward in terms of your love life. You might have found it easier to go from A to B with a partner. On the other hand maybe your parters life-map wasn't so clear so she navigated her way thru it on her own terms till she found the perfect partner. But at least you know she left no stone unturned when looking for you! Smile

As for the people in your home town... who cares what they think> It's how you two feel about each other that matters. And you deserve to feel safe in the knowledge and at least a tad bit smug that after her conquests she CHOSE YOU to spend her life with. I think that in itself speaks volumes.

Don't give her or yourself a hard time over this. She could have done any number of things which were much worse. Good luck

Jux · 03/03/2014 11:30

She went to a school reunion. Drank a bit. It's not abnormal to revert a bit into your childhood roles when socialising once in a while with old school friends. They play a game - maybe that was a game they used to play together, so why not? It's revisiting the past, that's what reunions are all about really, aren't they?

Expecting her to lie about her life is just silly. It implies shame and embarrassment at one's life. She clearly doesn't feel shame or embarrassment about it, and why should she? She is an adult.

The only reason you can feel miffed is because you want it kept under wraps. You need to think about why. It is almost certainly because you feel either shame or embarrassment or both. Which has huge implications about how you feel about your dw. You need to get to the bottom of that, be completely honest with yourself, sort it out.

motherinferior · 03/03/2014 11:34

Actually if I went to a school reunion I would be delighted to let all and sundry know that as a girlyswotgeek who was not exactly fighting off the boys I had enjoyed a wide and varied range of partners in the intervening decades.

And then I would eye all the girls who were Popular back in the day with an evil smirk.

Fairenuff · 03/03/2014 17:39

Maybe it didn't occur to her to lie.

People only lie if they think that they have something to hide.

She did not feel that this was a shameful, dirty secret. She was asked and she answered.

Not everyone would tell the truth. That's fine. It's up to individual choice and there is no 'right' or 'wrong' about it. She just disclosed a fact.

What is wrong is that OP told her he was fine with her sexual history when, obviously, he is not. But maybe he didn't realise how he felt until others knew and he then realised that he felt it reflected badly on him. Although I'm not sure why.

He can feel how he likes about it, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' about that either.

EatShitDerek · 03/03/2014 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EBearhug · 03/03/2014 20:34

Any normal, civilized adult would be appalled at their partner drunkenly disclosing how many people they had shagged at a party.

I consider myself fairly normal and civilized (on good days, anyway,) and I don't think I'd be that bothered. I certainly wouldn't be appalled. I might be appalled by the drunkenness, depending on how drunk (have a few issues there, after an alcoholic mother), but if someone wants to talk about who they've slept with when they're a bit pissed and among old friends - who cares?

Kewcumber · 03/03/2014 22:11

Is it very bad of me that I would probably have been very amused by my partner making an idiot of themselves by admitting such a thing? Their problem to deal with any fall out (if there was any) not mine.

McNickenChuggets · 03/03/2014 22:12

Fantastic link there Fairenuff Grin Gotta love Sheldon Cooper!

MistressDeeCee · 03/03/2014 23:01

I don't believe for a moment that people would find it a big joke and wouldnt care 1 iota if their partner went out there telling people how many sexual partners they'd had. Its disrespectful. Then again it would probably be known that said person has zero respect for themself generally so no wonder the question was put to them. & then answered. There are people who love to hear you 'sing' your business, but they won't tell you theirs. Just comes across as slack. I think most of this thread is 'big talk'. Maybe it looks trendy to say 'I wouldnt care if my DH reminisced with his mates about who he'd been with before me'. But I bet most people would care, also that if OP had been a woman the 'its all cool' responses would have been entirely different.

EBearhug · 03/03/2014 23:17

I don't believe for a moment that people would find it a big joke and wouldnt care 1 iota if their partner went out there telling people how many sexual partners they'd had.

Clearly not everyone finds it a big joke, but is it really difficult to believe that some do? Not for a moment? We're all different, with different backgrounds and attitudes.

A one off at a school reunion, I don't see a problem. It's different if it's every time someone's in company - there's a problem. But it doesn't sound like it is something which goes on all the time - it was a single event.

TillyTellTale · 03/03/2014 23:33

Look, truth or dare is pretty pointless, but there is a small, blunt point to it. That point is entirely negated, to the point of being turned into a spoon, if you are going to claim people are supposed to lie about anything vaguely interesting!

She agreed to playing the game with a bunch of old school friends. Why should she lie?

MistressDeeCee · 03/03/2014 23:40

The disrespect isn't in how many sexual partner's she's had - who cares? Well, maybe she & her friends do. Its in going on about it publicly, and then coming home to tell your OH all about it. Well I can only assume thats whats happened or, how does he know? Seems to me she told him as she doesnt like him and wanted to make him feel bad.

Yes, it is really difficult for me to believe its a big joke, unless in a sexist twat kind of way, mind you..bar-room talk bragging about how many you've shagged. Post wasnt made to sound like this kind of setting but, maybe it was. Doesn't matter where it was anyway, same concept

shewhowines · 03/03/2014 23:59

I understand where you are coming from op. I wouldn't judge a number but plenty of people would and do. I'm surprised that not many have admitted they would judge. I think this thread may have gone differently, had the first few posts, judged a bit. People are reluctant to go against the wave on something that may not be politically correct.
I can see that it can be embarrassing to think that she will be judged by others, even if you don't actually mind yourself. Yes, that is their problem, but nobody likes the idea of being negatively judged by others.

jacks365 · 04/03/2014 00:13

Yes plenty of people would judge a number but they shouldn't. People both male and female should be able to be honest, no one should feel they have to exaggerate or reduce the truth. It's been said she must have low self esteem to sleep with so many and to actually say so but it's also possible that she was confident enough to do what she wanted and sleep with whoever she felt like without a long term relationship and feels no need to lie when asked directly.

It was mentioned earlier than on average women halve the number but it wasn't mentioned that men tend to double too which I think speaks volumes about how men and women are still viewed differently with regards to sexual partners.

Lazyjaney · 04/03/2014 07:11

"I think this thread may have gone differently, had the first few posts, judged a bit"

Or if the sexes had been reversed - then you would have seen judginess! Grin

Fairenuff · 04/03/2014 08:18

The only people who will have a problem with this are those that think there is something wrong with having a lot of sexual partners.

That is the only difference between responses on this thread. Either you think it's a big deal, or you don't. It's got nothing to do with the sex of the OP, or the first few posts setting the tone.

If you don't think there's anything wrong with it, you won't care who knows about it.

If your son or daughter got 110 A*s in their gcses you would be bragging about them being a genius and making sure the whole damn village knew about it.

The number is only shameful because it's sexual partners and, shock horror, it's a woman! Shock

shewhowines · 04/03/2014 08:25

I'm pretty sure in rl, more people would judge than they appear to on here.

Daykin · 04/03/2014 08:30

If someone asks you what GCSEs your child got and you said '110 As' (or even 11 As) then you would still have people slating you. You would be called boastful (even for answering a direct question) and told you are pushy. People would say they preferred their dcs to be allowed a life outside of school and your priorities must be skewed up and anyone could do it if they were tutored within an inch of their lives and the kid would struggle at university as she'd obviously been spoon fed. People would expect you to lie, or refuse to answer, so you weren't rubbing anyone's nose in it. Other people would say they were pleased for you and not give it a second thought but there is a significant minority who would see it as a reason to judge you.

McNickenChuggets · 04/03/2014 12:11

The only people who will have a problem with this are those that think there is something wrong with having a lot of sexual partners.

I haven't mentioned a single thing about the number of sexual partners she's had. She could have said 2 for all I bloody care.

My point was that some people find it embarrassing to have personal things aired, either their own or that of their partner full stop. Even the OP hasn't mentioned he has a problem with the number of sexual partners she's had. I think it's more that she discussed it so openly. People have different embarrassment threshholds and what some folk view as general chit-chat or a laugh, other folks find it toe-curling and cringe-worthy. The number of sexual partners has bugger all to do with this thread really.... but it must do if sooooo many people are commenting on it. Just a thought

McNickenChuggets · 04/03/2014 12:14

She could have said "I once had sex with a policeman outdoors and got caught" - just a made up example, And the OP STILL might have a problem with this - because of the sexual nature that he clearly thought was their business alone. I'm not taking sides as no-one is strictly 'right' or 'wrong' here. But she might have thought nothing of that whereas he might be a bit more 'introverted' by nature