My partner told friends that she has had 110 partners last night

[Plutorover]

My partner of 7 years who is 40 told some friends that she had slept with approximately 110 men in the past. I did know this, but feel angry that she decided to tell others. It was at a school reunion do that I was not at. The question was specifically asked in a finding out game. I don't understand why she didn't tell them to mind their own business or lie.

She has hinted at it before to my brother too. May have actually told him but I'm unsure.

Why would she do this? Am I wrong to feel aggrieved about this?
Thanks
Confused and angry bloke

I can't say I would particularly like or dislike it if dh told anyone how many people he had slept with. It really wouldn't make one bit of difference to my life at all, it is a part of his past and is his information to share as he chooses.

I don't think it's that high a number. Certainly not if you were a serial monogamist throughout your 20s. Easy to chalk up one every 3 months.

I wouldn't talk about my number because I wouldn't want to be judged by people who equate number of sexual partners with morality and character. Which is frankly bollocks.

No problem if it was 110 separate occasions, but more of a problem if this was on just 9 or 10 occasions!!

Just my point of view...

What were the other questions (and answers) in this rather refined game ?

Haven't read all the posts in here as there are loads and I should be asleep

To be fair a lot of you are asking exactly why the OP feels the way he does and to pinpoint this reason. I have to admit I can sort of see where he is coming from.

Everyone has a sexual past of some description and he's clearly not bothered by his partners due to the length of time he has been with her. I think the thing that bothers him (correct me if I'm wrong OP) is the fact she divulged this info to a group of what are effectively strangers. Sure it was her info to pass on and no she shouldn't feel ashamed. However personally I feel there's a time and a place for this sort of discussion and I think that is possibly where OP's frustration with her comes in.

I have friends (couples) who have openly discussed thief sex lives in the pub and tbh I felt uncomfortable with it. I did not ask nor need to know the info they where giving out plus the fact they both nearly got into an argument over who had slept with how many people etc and honestly I just wanted the ground to swallow me up! I'm not a prude by any stretch and love sex as much as the next person but something's are best left private IMO, I think this has a lot to so with my upbringing tho. I can openly joke about sex but i would t dream of discussing my intimate life with DP or someone who wasn't one of my closest friends. The thought of it makes me want to cringe . I think maybe OP feels the same way.

Sorry but who cares? Maybe she likes sex? What of it? This is such a non issue I can't see what's worth discussing here

110 is the figure from four weddings and a funeral

Heh, so does anyone remember the scene ?

a) That doesn't seem all that high if she has had a few years out of monogamous relationships actually. Presuming she stayed safe and consensual then it's no issue at all.

b) Why shouldn't she tell people? It is her story, you don't get to choose who she tells. If it involved you, you would have some say.

c) why is she getting judged on this thread for knowing the number and for telling people when they asked?

I hate this thing on here where any talking about sex is automatically seen as attention seeking. Or at least any talking about any aspect of sex that doesn't fit with what the poster sees as acceptable.

33 in this review of 4W1F ?

There is 52 weekends in a year. If she was sexually active from 18 until meeting you age 33, that's 15 years of life, more than 700 weekends for her to fit in a couple of relationships, dates, short relationships and one night stands. Not really outrageous.

Didn't she just get a bit pissed with old school friends and say something that sounded funny in the heat of the moment?

I'd be mortified in the cold light of day but I'm not sure why DP would need to get het up about it if he already knew.

Would quite like to know where she used to live though as it sounds a promising location for a single gel

A few people saying that they would e put off someone for having a high number...

I actually MUCH prefer someone with more experience, ideally with lots of people doing lots of stuff. I like the stories and I like someone who knows what they are doing and can teach me some of it. I have only ever knowingly had sex with one virgin, and I only found that out afterwards - it's just too much pressure for me to go with someone who doesn't know their way round a bed.

Someone on a date once actually edged away from me on the bench when i answered his question about how many people I've had sex with, so the older (and more experienced) I get the harder it is going to be to be the less experienced partner. Still, it's not something to be ashamed of at all.

I don't think you are likely to be more experienced if you have been with 110 partners than if you have been with 5 long term ones though.

Say they were all one night stands. Then the person has only had sex 110 times (which is positively chaste when you think about it)..and they never got to the comfortable bit where you can tell your partner all the really rude things you have been wanting to try or actually develop a technique.

Again not something to be ashamed of but I wouldn't necessarily assume huge amount of sexual prowess.

VeggySausage is right. I've had a, well, large number of sexual partners. But it was the long relationships where I got good at it. (Compared to where I was before. Still lots to learn, and fun to be had learning it!)

I wouldnt judge a woman on the number of sexual partners she's had - who cares. I dislike people who are indiscreet though. I suspect the OPs partner suffers low self-esteem hence the need to blab about her sexual history publicly. & also that she doesn't like him.

You just know if the sexes were reversed on this and it was some DH talking about his bedpost notches everyone would be screaming "LTB"

It is absolutely untrue that everyone would be saying any one same thing.

If a woman was on here saying that she couldn't understand why her partner didn't lie about his number when asked directly for his number, that he should have lied because the truth was shameful, I'd say exactly the same thing as I have said on this thread and I bet a load of others would too.

Some would probably have done the whole ltb thing

And others would come along to explain exactly why it's ok, no, better for a man to have 'sown his wild oats' and that it's not actually a negative thing.

Why the hell should someone have to lie. That's what I'd still be asking. Regardless of gender, that's the key question.

Choose to disclose, choose not to, that's down to the individual. I think it's childish to be playing such silly 'truth' games but my problem is with the suggestion that the person ought to have lied.

You ought to lie about this because the truth of it is revolting.

That's the top and bottom of attitude behind the belief that a lie should have been told and it's a bloody horrible attitude to have about your partner, regardless their gender or yours.

Apart from anything else, this is a man here who started this thread and stated that he was disappointed because he had thought that everyone would be expressing shock and anger, who confirmed that his partner is indeed a member of mumsnet, who when it was said that yes, she'd likely see this thread, said "whoops" and said "yes she may see the thread and so what?"

I think we can take from that that it makes sense that he had a different agenda by posting this here than simply wanting to discuss issues of rl privacy choices made by his partner and the implications for his standing in their 'little town'.

I don't understand why groups of grown adults need to have conversations on the topic of numbers of sexual partners. I haven't had that kind of chat since I was a student. I'd be more concerned about her lack of maturity than the number of people she'd slept with.

"I'd say exactly the same thing as I have said on this thread and I bet a load of others would too"

I'd bet a far larger load on here would be very, very upset if their man told friends he'd done 110 before them.

mine probably did.

and if I felt that was something shameful, I would have had no right marrying him.

I would no doubt think him a pillock for playing stupid games, but I wouldn't say oh my god, how could you tell people the truth, why didn't you lie oh my god what will people think ?

I would say the same if it was a man. If his wife told him she had no problem she should mean it. If she did have a problem she should say so. You can't have it both ways.

And that's what has happened here. The OP does have a problem with her number and lied to her when he said he didn't. He is now trying to punish her for making him look bad, in his opinion.

I felt that was something shameful, I would have had no right marrying him.

I would no doubt think him a pillock for playing stupid games, but I wouldn't say oh my god, how could you tell people the truth, why didn't you lie oh my god what will people think?

^^ this!

If number of sexual partners is a deal breaker then fair enough but don't have a 7 year relationship and then tell them that you're disgusted and ashamed.

Is playing stupid games when your with old mates and a bit pissed all that unusual? It might be a bit immature but a whole heap of people grew out of curtailing their activities due to someone droning 'Oh, my God, you're sooooo immature' when they were arbour 14.

DH has probably had many more than 110. I don't care.

Plutorover, of course she regrets it, she knows it upset you. She's probably doing a lot of re-evaluation herself now. How supportive will you be if the villagers turn against her, as you're ashamed of her, that sort of thing.

You are going to have to talk it through - really talk it through - as your reaction tells her that you are ashamed and embarrassed, so she won't be quite so sure that you, her partner, will always be there protecting her back. One tiny little bit of trust and security has a chip in it now. You're going to have to fix it.