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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

783 replies

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:02

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd. Confused

OP posts:
LoopyDoopyDoo · 02/03/2014 08:08

Everything about weddings is selfish, pretty much.

Making someone choose between leaving their young children at home or not being able to go because you prefer other adults is pretty selfish too.

Thinking that other people might care more about friends getting hitched than the wellbeing of their own children is odd. If you have older kids who are easily babysat without too much hassle, that's fine. Getting pissy because parents of babies or toddlers with no reliable support from family can't make it to your wedding isn't fine. Especially if you expect the whole staying over, abroad, plus hen/stag do thing too.

pinkdelight · 02/03/2014 08:08

Maybe they can enjoy themselves without kids but just not at other folks' weddings or parties, which are some people's idea of hell anyway.

This has been done to death, but basically YABU. You have your rules (adults only), they have theirs (we come with the kids or not at all). Live and let live.

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/03/2014 08:08

I find it a bit odd too tbh. Weddings are planned months in advance so finding child are shoukdvt be an issue or a surprise.

I do understand that some people won't be able too sadly but to not turn up just because you think you should be able to take your children everywhere is ridiculous.

World doesn't revolve around other people's children. Nothing wrong with adults wanting to be able to enjoy themselves with it kids running around.

HappySeven · 02/03/2014 08:09

I have no issue with adult only weddings but my friends have to realise that I have no one to leave my children with so either we all come or I can't. This is assuming it involves an overnight stay which for some reason all the weddings I go to do, daytime events would be fine as I'm sure a friend would have them.

ballinacup · 02/03/2014 08:10

Why is it selfish to choose not to spend time away from your children purely on the say so of another couple?

If you choose a childfree wedding, that's absolutely fine, but you need to take it on the chin if some of your guests decline on that reason. Exactly the same as if you choose to marry abroad.

Your wedding is the most important thing in the world... to you

To everyone else its a request to use some of their precious leisure time in a way they wouldn't necessarily choose. No need to see your arse about it.

On that basis, YABU.

Hexbugsmakemeitch · 02/03/2014 08:12

How is it selfish if they decline - hence leaving space for more adults?

It depends in the age of the children and your circumstances really. When our children were very little I would have refused an invite without them just because I wouldn't yet have been ready to leave them overnight (or unable to due to BF).

Recently we were happy to go to a wedding without our DC as they are older and enjoy an occasional sleepover at their DGPs. However we are in the fortunate position of having GPs who are able and willing to look after them for a night.

Families with small children also tend to have less spare cash. They just might not be able to spend so much family money on an event that doesn't include their DCs.

I have to say I'd still think pretty carefully about a wedding that require more than one night away and foreign stags/hens and weddings are all polite declines from us.

It's not selfish to put your own family first.

If we decline it's ASAP and politely done. (And those two points are key I think).

Chunderella · 02/03/2014 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shockers · 02/03/2014 08:13

Every couple I know who've done the adults only thing at their own wedding have felt differently once they've had children themselves.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 02/03/2014 08:13

I had an adults only wedding, well apart from nieces and nephews only 5 of them, as if I had invited all the kids there would have been more of them then the adults, and I couldn't have afforded it. No one complained as all the children not invited were over 1 and were used to going to grandparents.
However I would decline any wedding at the moment with my 7 month old, I wouldn't leave him with anyone else, I wouldn't want to bring him so I wouldn't go.

myitchybeaver · 02/03/2014 08:13

People feel differently about weddings. Some people feel strongly that weddings are a family affair and that children are an integral part of that.
I had a small wedding because I thought it was too cheeky to invite just adults and not their children, but that's just me.

People can invite who they want, people can accept or not accept invitations if they want to. No one is right or wrong.

I went to a wedding last year without my 3 DC but it was a work colleague so never expected her to invite them. If my brother was getting married and didn't invite my children, I wouldn't go.

You don't invite children then you have to accept that their parents might not come for a multitude of reasons.

insancerre · 02/03/2014 08:13

I don't get child free weddings
it's selfish to expect people to attend what is in essence a family occasion without their own family
I wouldn't go if my children weren't welcome

Original poster
Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:14

"Everything about weddings is selfish, pretty much"

Yes but it's THEIR wedding, so they have a right to be selfish on that day!

"Why is it selfish to choose not to spend time away from your children purely on the say so of another couple?"

Again, because it's THEIR wedding and rules, not yours! If you cared about your friend or family then you wouldn't mind being away from the kids for a bit to be there for them on their special day.

OP posts:
SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 02/03/2014 08:15

It depends hugely on who is getting married.

If it was close family...mine or dh's brothers or sisters for instance...I would be furious if the dc weren't invited. I do think that 'family' should trump 'more friends' at a wedding and the dc are family even though they are children.

However, anyone else...more distant family or friends, that's perfectly understandable.

I kind of pity the people that want their dc with them 100% of the time tbh. You need to live too.

Chocotrekkie · 02/03/2014 08:15

Not everyone can "magic" up childcare even with months of notice. If you haven't got anyone you haven't got anyone.

I also wouldn't chose to spend hundreds of pounds (babysitter off a website, drinks, travel, present) on someone who didn't like my children.

lunar1 · 02/03/2014 08:15

Dh works long hours. I don't think it's selfish to want to spend our free time together as a family. Why should someone's wedding be more important than how we chose to spend our free time?

CarryOnDancing · 02/03/2014 08:16

You are assuming everyone cares as much about your wedding as you do.

If it's peeves you so much then why didn't you start the guest list with your closest friends and leave the people with kids until the end and see if you had space?
That way you could have decided if those who wanted to take their kids were worthy of an invite, despite their selfish attitudes?

NoIamAngelaHernandez · 02/03/2014 08:16

Birdo, you are not going to win this one.

And you are starting to sound a bit Bridezilla yourself.

Hexbugsmakemeitch · 02/03/2014 08:17

Giles the amount of time available to find child are isn't the issue. Asking someone to have a number of small children for a whole day and night is a big deal. Most people are really only prepared to ask that of family and not everyone has family able to help.

It's not time that's the problem.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/03/2014 08:17

Yabu.
The happy couple chooses the rules of their wedding
You choose whether or not you go.

Joysmum · 02/03/2014 08:17

I think it's weird for people to refuse to go on principle too. There's far more to me and DH than just being parents and a day without DD does us the world of good as a couple. I think it's sad that other couples don't see the positives and instead choose to put getting offended ahead of a friendship.

If we couldn't get child care, fair enough.

firesidechat · 02/03/2014 08:18

I agree with you OP, but lots of people won't of course.

We had everyone's children at our wedding and so did our daughter, but I do understand why some couple don't invite children. Very few of the couples invited to my daughter's wedding had children, so it was relatively east to invite them all. If there had been more, it may have been a different story.

I can sort of understand why family members may be a bit miffed, but not friends.

meditrina · 02/03/2014 08:18

Well, you see, some people don't see it as "THEIR" day. They think that's selfish and that it's a day about celebrating the union of two families in the shape of those two people with family and mutual friends present.

So those who are community minded take one view, those who are not have another.

As long as invitations are clearly proffered and clearly accepted or declined in good time (and with no griping) then no-one has anything to complain about.

ballinacup · 02/03/2014 08:18

This reply has been deleted

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NoIamAngelaHernandez · 02/03/2014 08:18

Also, it's very likely that those who have small children would only leave them with family, and the family are likely to be attending the wedding. It seems simple to you now because you are at a different stage of your life. Priorities change once you have children (for most people).

Jinty64 · 02/03/2014 08:18

Surely it is a wedding invitation not a summons. I don't go to child free weddings because it is not convenient. We don't have anyone who can look after the children and, if I was going to pay extortionate prices for an agency (which I wouldn't), I would rather go to the theatre. I don't make a fuss or ask to bring my children. I politely decline the invitation

I assume you don't have children OP

Oh and YABU.