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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

783 replies

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:02

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:30

From this quite breathtaking statement, I'm assuming that you don't have children?

Yes, I have children but many of my friends don't. If one of my close friends was to get married or have an adults only birthday party they would stay at home with DP or stay the night at their grandmas which they love doing.

OP posts:
MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 02/03/2014 08:30

It's selfish to be annoyed at someone just because they aren't able to follow your rules.
Maybe one of these scenarios are happening

  1. don't actually want to go to said wedding "brilliant it says no kids I can decline cause of that!"
  2. genuinely don't have childcare, I have no one to leave my kids with, neither my parents or my inlaws have ever looked after both my children and I've never had a night away from my youngest (18 months) not choice just no options. I'd actually love to go to a wedding without my kids.
  3. weddings can cost guests a fortune, paying for childcare on top of that is a big ask
  4. don't want to spend precious family time separated. My dh and I work alternate days to juggle childcare, we work 7 days a week between us, we have 36 days a year together (our combined annual leave) If we both take a days holiday at the same time this is reduced to 24 days a year together, so saying no kids to a wedding we were both attending even if no travelling is required means 2 days annual leave and not seeing the kids that day, bit selfish to expect people to think your wedding is more important than a family spending the few days a year they have as a family attending your wedding?! They might just politely decline as it's too much of an ask!

It's fine to say no children but just accept some people can't come, simple!

littledrummergirl · 02/03/2014 08:30

I dont go to weddings without my dcs.
The people I know who complain most about not being able to take their dcs are ones whos weddings we couldnt go to as we had babies.
Time makes fools of us all.

saintlyjimjams · 02/03/2014 08:31

YABU

Depends on lots of things - cost, availability of childcare etc

I have no issue with childfree weddings but they usually mean only dh or I will go- we have a severely disabled child - if my mum is at the wedding then there is no childcare.

Last childfree wedding I went alone & dh got his parents over to help out (not being pathetic - it's a 2 person job to look after ds1 & get his brothers to their weekend activities). If anyone had suggested we are selfish for only managing to send one adult or too tied to our children or whatever they would have been told a short version of our reality in no uncertain terms. I had no issue being there by myself - it was fun - but it did involve quite a lot of organisation.

VelvetGecko · 02/03/2014 08:31

Just so you know OP, some people just use their dc as an excuse not to go to weddings they don't want to attend, nothing to do with not wanting to be apart from their kids. One of the perks of being a parent.

Timetofly · 02/03/2014 08:31

I agree with you Op, accept an invitation, don't accept an invitation. If you need childcare get it without making a fuss. If you can't get childcare just don't accept the invitation with good grace - without sharing your domestic difficulties with the people who invited you. Just don't get all high horse and decline purely because children aren't invited, that's pretty narrow minded I think.

StanleyLambchop · 02/03/2014 08:31

Don't lose touch with your identity or you'll be miserable as hell and won't know who you are when your kids move out etc.

Thanks for the advice, I am sure you are a well qualified world expert on the subject, so I bow down to your obviously superior knowledge of everyone else's relationships, mine included.

LtEveDallas · 02/03/2014 08:32

I'm sure I could get a non-family babysitter if I wanted. But I wouldn't want to. I'm happy with the way I live my life, and wouldn't change just for someone else's convenience.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 08:34

If people don't want to attend a wedding purely because their DC are not invited its fine, decline the invite.

Just don't bitch about it.

MidniteScribbler · 02/03/2014 08:34

I find it very odd and wonder how such people coped before they had children. It's like some people forget how to enjoy time just as a couple (or in their own company) when they become mother or father. Don't lose touch with your identity or you'll be miserable as hell and won't know who you are when your kids move out etc.

Here's a hint OP - People may be perfectly happy to have child free time, but the idea of sitting around for hours smiling at you in a frou-frou dress while you ponce around making comments about your "special day" may not be their own personal choice of a good time.

"Not able to leave the children" may in fact be code for "Would rather chew my own arm off than spend money attending your wedding".

saintlyjimjams · 02/03/2014 08:35

Yes, I have children but many of my friends don't. If one of my close friends was to get married or have an adults only birthday party they would stay at home with DP or stay the night at their grandmas which they love doing

So you have hands on, free, loving childcare on your doorstep?

And you're passing judgement on all those who don't have the option you have.

Right.

Biscuit

honestly it would only take two seconds to realise not everyone has those options

pinkdelight · 02/03/2014 08:35

"I find it very odd and wonder how such people coped before they had children. It's like some people forget how to enjoy time just as a couple (or in their own company) when they become mother or father. Don't lose touch with your identity or you'll be miserable as hell and won't know who you are when your kids move out etc."

So this isn't really about weddings. You're worrying your little heart out about how these odd people coped before they had kids and how they'll cope when the kids leave.

Fear not! They were and will be fine. I'm presuming you don't have kids if you have time to worry about such things.

saintlyjimjams · 02/03/2014 08:37

Don't lose touch with your identity or you'll be miserable as hell and won't know who you are when your kids move out etc

Thanks, but my eldest son isn't going to move out. So we will continue to have to juggle invitations & 'childcare' around him while he's an adult.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/03/2014 08:37

I dont think that people with children turn down child-free wedding invitations on principle. It is just that a wedding spent talking cars, house prices and jobs with a bunch of strangers sounds really boring.

Birdo83, I think you will have to face the fact that people with children turned down your wedding invitation because quite frankly it wasnt promising to be a good enough event to justify the fuss and performance of arranging child care.

WutheringTights · 02/03/2014 08:39

Disclaimer: we invited everyone's children to our wedding, it just didn't occur to us not to so we planned venue and budget accordingly.

We're currently weighing up whether to go to a friend's child-free wedding. I'm thinking about declining. Not on principle- it's their choice. But we both work long hours so only get to spend proper time with our 1 year old son at the weekends (he's currently napping after a 4am start!) I have to decide whether to spend hundreds of pounds and a whole weekend away to celebrate a friends wedding and not see my son all weekend (as well as call in favours from multiple family members to look after him) or spend that time and money on the most important people in my life, my husband and son. We're also so knackered at weekends at the moment that the thought of standing around for hours on end with a warm glass of cheap bubbly and a couple of canapés whilst making polite conversation with acquaintances isn't my idea of a fun time.

If we don't go we'll send them a present and wish them well as it doesn't mean that we don't care about them, just that we have limited time and our son will be young for such a short period that we want to spend time with him when we can.

pinkdelight · 02/03/2014 08:39

Just seen that you do have kids. Still don't see why you're so hateful about people being 'glued at the hip' to their kids just cos they wouldn't go to a wedding without them. From this thread there's lots of people who wouldn't and they're no odder than you. Less so, I'd say, with your wedding fixation. Wedding's really don't trump all other priorities.

Timetofly · 02/03/2014 08:40

Op said "Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right. "

I think that's daft. Being unable to attend due to lack of childcare is something completely different.

Using lack of childcare as an excuse is feeble. What's wrong with just sending a note thanking for the invitation and saying you won't be able to come?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/03/2014 08:41

"Not able to leave the children" may in fact be code for "Would rather chew my own arm off than spend money attending your wedding".

absolutely!

WutheringTights · 02/03/2014 08:41

Meant to add that a local wedding would be different. It's the travel time (no local family and family live in the opposite direction to the wedding) that makes is so difficult. A whole weekend is a big chunk of time away from my family. I'm not joined to him at the hip!

Original poster
Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 08:42

*So you have hands on, free, loving childcare on your doorstep?

And you're passing judgement on all those who don't have the option you have.

Right*

WRONG.

I was referring to people who refuse out of principle, not because they can't get childcare. It said so in the OP: "Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right"

OP posts:
BeeInYourBonnet · 02/03/2014 08:43

OP YANBU.

I do think its nice for close family children to be invited ( nieces and nephews), partly because of obv childcare issues but also because they are part of the family.

However, I wouldn't expect DCs of friends/relatives to attend. I have very little childcare and in almost all cases I have managed to sort out a family member to watch DCs. In fact when the DCs were tiny it was the only time me and DH had on our own, as we wouldn't have driven 3hrs round trip to take DCs to GPs just to go to the cinema!

I think its quite sad that pp's would rather go to the theatre than see a friend get married. Maybe you need to get new friends?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/03/2014 08:43

Perhaps saying 'I cant get child care' is just more polite than saying 'your wedding sounds dead boring'

Chunderella · 02/03/2014 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 02/03/2014 08:46

Worry - not according to the many posts on MN re childfree weddings.

They're are usually all about how offensive it is that their precious darlings are left off the invite.

LoopyDoopyDoo · 02/03/2014 08:46

We were invited to a child-free wedding 6500 miles away, and the B&G were surprised we turned them down...