to think people are selfish to not go to a wedding if it's adults only?

[Birdo83]

Just read another thread where several members said they would refuse to go to a wedding if their children weren't invited. Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right.

Space at weddings are limited what with both peoples friends and family. Are people really expecting some of the bride or grooms friends or family not to attend THEIR wedding so people's kids can take up all the seats? Our wedding was adults only because of course I wanted to prioritise my loved ones over other peoples children who, on the whole, don't mean so much to me. I'd have to have turned several of my closest friends if I'd let everyone bring all their children which I'd hate to do.

It's also worrying how many people can't seem to enjoy themselves without their kids. Ditto people who refuse to go to parties that our adults only. Very odd.

I was referring to people who refuse out of principle, not because they can't get childcare. It said so in the OP: "Not for child care reasons but just cause they thought it wasn't right"

Maybe the 'thinking it's not right' people are just using that as an excuse. They don't want to go to a wedding, so it's easier to say "sorry, I don't go places without my children"

Bona, I don't think I am being ridiculous at all. We don't get time off together every week at all, how odd of you to presume we do!

I prioritise family time above all else though. I lost my first husband when we were very young. I will never feel guilty for spending time as a family. I will never be dictated to just I would never dictate to others about their time either.

It doesn't really matter, all my friends and family would think a child free wedding would be odd anyway.

This is one of those issues you only ever see on Mumsnet. In real life people get invited to weddings with or without children invited. They are usually really pleased to be invited. They decide whether they are able to go or not and try to sort out the child care issues where they arise. Then they reply accordingly and no one gets upset.

I have been to lots of weddings with and without children in my time and I have heard people talking about ones they have been invited to. I have looked after people's babies/children while they attended weddings very happily. We even went to Ireland for a family wedding and DH looked after DD while I went to the wedding as children weren't invited. My parents then took over after the dinner and DH came for the evening do. Everyone had a lovely time and we had a great weekend.

Our wedding was also no children. I canvassed opinion first and my friends with children said they were pleased to have a night off - admittedly no one with children had to stay away overnight but that was just luck. If we had had any family children at the time we would have included all children of course but you tend to make choices like this according to where you are in life.

But for some reason on Mumsnet some people have very entrenched ideas about what other people should and shouldn;'t do and what a wedding should be.

Between school and work we only have the weekends as a family. We don't have much spare cash soothe last thing I'd want to do is spend a couple hundred going to a wedding that also meant we'd miss out on doing something with the kids.

Even if that weren't an issue, I've got 4 kids under 6 yo. While my dad or ILS would be okay with the older 3 for a couple if hours, they couldn't cope with all 4.

When the kids are older wed be more likely to be able to go to an adults only wedding. That said, with my family and friends we've never been invited to an adults only wedding, I went to a cousins wedding when I was about 10 and there were nearly 300 guests who were 99% family.

Having an adults only wedding is like having a wedding abroad or week long stag/hen dos, you have to be okay with the fact that some can't or won't leave their kids or be able to spend that kind of money.

What happened to just politely declining an invitation? (Bangs head). There's no law that says you have to accept all invitations if your diary is clear. If you think an event you're invited to will be boring just politely decline.

And... say you are in a situation where the majority of your friends have children. While you're happy to have a few children at the wedding, maybe immediate family, if you invite all the children you know your reception will change from being that to being a childrens' party, just by sheer force of numbers. Budget is limited. Some of your friends have very "relaxed" attitudes to parenting that can make their little dears difficult to be around, but you can't pick and choose which children to invite, it won't be fair. So it seems sensible to stick with the half dozen children who are part of your family. What about that rational decision makes it OK for friends and distant relatives to get the huff because you can't really accommodate their kids? Fortunately, in my experience, such indignation is much more common on MN than in real life.

I use my kids as an excuse to not go to "child free" weddings if I don't really want to go.... I could get childcare....

Worry - not according to the many posts on MN re childfree weddings.

They're are usually all about how offensive it is that their precious darlings are left off the invite.

Indeed. The multiple posts of that ilk on Mumsnet implies it's genuinely how people feel NOT just an excuse.

I nearly always refuse invitations to any event where DH and I are invited but the children aren't. I don't care if people think this is odd, I occasionally go out alone as does DH but it is important to have one of us here while they are sleeping.
We also occasionally leave them with my parents during the day whilst we go shopping and out for lunch.

If they think it's not right (which is a valid opinion, even if you don't share it) then it is of course better to decline.

A wedding is an important event, and possibly will have attached the biggest party that you are involved in arranging so far in your life.

But that doesn't make it a it deal for anyone else. And over a lifetime you will probably be invited to many weddings and parties. If you see it as a community/family event, then the ones you will prefer are those which bind families closer. And that means all the family.

There's probably no ill-will towards those who don't share that view, but the even may have less attraction than a family party.

Has it ever occurred to anyone that the decision to invite adults only is because it might be your children who misbehave so much that other children are not invited?

I have a friend who has 3 DC who are a nightmare to be around. They bully other children, they don't listen when they are told off and they destroy things around them.

She's lovely and I've known her for years.

But I wouldn't invite her children to a wedding I paid a lot of money for and for other children to be in tears all day because they are being picked on. Other adults would find it hard to cope with.

So the best option might be to have no other children apart from close family.

I know what I would choose.

"My wedding is the most important thing ever. It's my day, with my rules, and it's disrespectful if you don't come!"

Vs.

"My child is the most important thing ever. It's disrespectful to me if you don't invite my child."

So it's really a clash between senses of entitlement. Brides vs. mothers of young children. The universe might implode.

I wonder if all the posters on this thread who are so concerned about weekends being family time, ever do anything on their own on the weekend? I occasionally have a shopping day on a Saturday, or DH does his hobby, or I stay with friends a couple of times a year and DH goes camping with friends for the odd night. Or DD goes to brownie camp.

I don't think it has any negative effect on family life whatsoever.

I've been on MN for almost 10 years and I have NEVER seen anyone post that they have refused to go to a wedding because their 'precious darlings' weren't invited.

It's one thing to be pissed off, but to use hyperbole to enforce your point is a little daft.

I think the reasons for not inviting are pretty well understood, and I doubt there is much (if any) ignorance to be dispelled.

It's a case of different attitudes to family life.

And it's OK to have your own views on this. It is however unreasonable to expect everyone to share yours.

Seriously LtEve?

Almost all threads re childfree weddings have posters saying that

It's even on this thread.

Along with the threads about how someone else's children did something to ruin their special occasion.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

YABU for me child care was an insurmountable obstacle unless the wedding was near family or I drag my poor DSIS almost 100 miles.

Weddings aren't just a couple of hours that the nice lady from nursery will cover.

Also from 3 to the 13&16 they are today the DS would have wanted to come and would have been hurt to be left out.

Has it ever occurred to anyone that the decision to invite adults only is because it might be your children who misbehave so much that other children are not invited?

Last summer I declined an invite to a house warming BBQ from a close friend and colleague who had specified no kids.

I was completely honest, "Sorry love, I won't be coming, you know I don't go to things like this without DD" there was no nastiness, no sulking, just a simple, have a great time.

Friend was mortified. Turned out it was because she's didn't want the children of another colleague there (or the DH if truth be told), but couldn't 'not' invite them. But by not inviting them, she had to accept that we wouldn't go either. It's just one of those things - she didn't get shitty about it, I didn't get shitty about it, the world didn't end.

Good point Dallas. OP, could you link to some threads on which people have declined a wedding invitation in high dudgeon despite ample FOC childcare options?

I would happily go to child-free weddings locally and leave DS with his dad for, say, Saturday afternoon and overnight. STBXH would be a little pissy perfectly happy if I asked him to have DS for an entire weekend so I could go to one at the other end of the country, but I work and really treasure my weekends with my PFB. I seriously doubt I would get equivalent enjoyment from (by definition) the wedding of someone who was not an especially close friend or family member.

I can't be bothered with the 'selectiveness' of weddings sometimes. The last I went to, DCs were not allowed at the church but could come to the reception up to a certain time. So parents were expected to arrange childcare for the church service, go home collect their child, bring to evening event up to 8pm, then presumably go home with child so the 'free adults' could enjoy the rest of the event. Of course childcare can be arranged in a lot of instances, but what of those who aren't able to arrange childcare for many hours? It does seem to be a case of live and let live - your wedding, your rules. As for parents, if they can't make it due to childcare issues then just accept that. Personally I think its easier if you invite families, instead of saying well you can come but child can't, or you can but partner can't, etc..too many regulations cause more trouble than they're worth, which is why there's a wedding thread a week on Mumsnet..

All family lives hours away so organising child care is possible but a total nightmare and to be honest I wouldn't bother. If I was invited to an adult only wedding id only go if it was just me so dp could have dd.

My DCs are past the age where 'no childcare' is an acceptable excuse for declining family invitations of any sort.

We have had to get a dog just to make sure that we can still decline!

"My wedding is the most important thing ever. It's my day, with my rules, and it's disrespectful if you don't come!"

Vs.

"My child is the most important thing ever. It's disrespectful to me if you don't invite my child."

So it's really a clash between senses of entitlement. Brides vs. mothers of young children. The universe might implode.

Most of us spend time with our children every day though. Being apart from them ONCE to be a part of your friends special day shouldn't be a big deal in the slightest. If you cared about your friend you should want to see them happy and be a part of it all and make the effort. They are getting married, it's not just a catchup for coffee for gods sake!

Anyone who used childcare as an excuse wouldn't be a friend of mine but thankfully the ones who couldn't make it had acceptable reasons they couldn't make it.

Sometimes it is just money, many families with small children do not have £200 plus free to spend on one parent going to a wedding that could be a family holiday camping even a wedding in the next town could be babysitter for 10 hours ( £60plus) a taxi home besides outfits etc, it might simply be unaffordable but most people saying I can't afford your wedding but here's £25 gift voucher as too skint is too embarrassing much easier to say childcare problems or can't come without DC

if my sister was getting married my DD would be invited and DH would taken her to bed early or if close come home early, if it was a work colleague or old friend and 300 miles away either just I would go or if Dh working away i would decline or if total bill was too much we would decline too, I am not cash strapped but many are and your wedding would not be a prioroty if they had a spare £300 they might prefer a weeks holiday a new boiler, etc

when people have a family their prioritites both in time and money tend to migrate to family rather than friends, niot saying neglect friedns totoally at all but friends expecting people to spend £100's on hen parties weddings away etc are being a bit unreasonable

YANBU to have a child free wedding YABU to expect everyone with kids to want to leave them, I know you are not talking childcare issues but thye may be the acceptable excuse for finance time etc