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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I Unreasonable to this child?

364 replies

iamsoannoyed · 01/03/2014 23:24

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a Shock. I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:25

Thetall she also poked op in tge stomach did you forget that! She was rude making fun of op dd, do you call that sharing something Hmm. Ha ha your kid came last is not a nice thing to say and poking in the stomach is very rude don't you think!

Timetofly · 02/03/2014 08:28

Threads like these demonstrate why some children lack simple boundaries don't they?

SometimesLonely · 02/03/2014 08:29

I agree with the OP. YWNBU OP.

What if the poke had disturbed a stoma or other recent stitched up surgery underneath her clothes?

Tailtwister · 02/03/2014 08:31

Oh my goodness Tail what the hell was wrong with that! Are you the girls mother.

I think I explained in my previous post what I think was wrong with the way OP spoke to the child...

No, I'm not the girl's mother. I can still have an opinion about the right way to speak to a child though! In my opinion, I think she could have worded it in a better way. I'm not saying she shouldn't have said anything, but when you're speaking to a child you use appropriate language which still gets the message across but not in an unpleasant way.

PeriodFeatures · 02/03/2014 08:33

'transmit difficult message'

my goodness! Ha Ha. Why on earth is pointing out a child is being rude 'transmitting a difficult message'

I can think of a lot of things that might be difficult to explain to a child but this is not one of them!!

The OP Told her she was rude and explained why. Why on earth is is a problem if a child gets a bit embarrassed? Embarrassment serves a funcion. To stop us behaving in the same way again. Dont get this confused with shame. OP didnt shame the child.

Tailtwister · 02/03/2014 08:35

Threads like these demonstrate why some children lack simple boundaries don't they?

Why? You can still discipline a child without upsetting or humiliating them by putting some thought into what you say before it comes out of your mouth. In my opinion OP was irritated by the child and chose her language accordingly. She could have still made her point without humiliating her.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:39

I agree time to, that is why a lot of kids think they can do and behave how the hell they want. Setting boundaries, and right and wrong starts from an early age. Some of the posts demonstrate that, thank goodnes most of us agree with op, just a few liberal posters who don't. What has happened to common sense, tge girl is 5 and a school age child, not 15 months!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:41

Op did not humiliate the girl, she told her not to talk to her like that, it was very rude. Yes it was, can't see the humiliation, if people think op humiliated this girl god help them. She was sitting down with a few mums and she said that not a whole auditorium!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:42

The girl must not be disciplined at home much to react like that.

nennypops · 02/03/2014 08:51

Tallest, the child didn't "run up to share something", did she? She ran up to laugh about the fact that OP's child came last. In fact, she seems to have gone out of her way to do it and to ensure that OP heard by poking her.

littledrummergirl · 02/03/2014 08:54

Aeriflots comment @ 842 demonstrates my point beautifully.
Of course the child isnt disciplined appropriately by her responsible adults.Hmm
The ops point- known as a little madam shows a 5 yr old child being vilified by the adults around her (or here).

lunar1 · 02/03/2014 08:58

Transmitting a difficult message! Bloody hell no wonder schools have problems with children with bad behaviour if telling a child not to poke you and be mean about another child is seen as transmitting a difficult message.

bruffin · 02/03/2014 08:59

littledrummergirl

you are projecting and this thread is nothing to do with bullying.

NoIamAngelaHernandez · 02/03/2014 09:02

YANBU at all.

My DTs are 4 and I would very much hope that if they ever spoke to an adult (or a child in an adult's hearing) that the adult would respond in such a sensible way.

OwlCapone · 02/03/2014 09:03

TBH, a simple "it's not very kind to tease people for being last" would have been sufficient in the first instance.

Other Mother has overreacted though. However, you only have to look at other threads on MN to know that people often believe what their child has said to them.

msrisotto · 02/03/2014 09:03

Saying 'did she' or 'be gentle' in no way lets the child know that it is wrong to poke people (especially people you don't know) and that what they just said is mean. Hence, no learning.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 09:03

Nobody is bullying tge girl, she was rude, going up to op poking her in the stomach, and making fun of her dd, op called her up on it, and corrected her appropriately. How is that bullying Hmm. She was not sharing anything except to make fun of op dd and to poke her in the stomach.

Tailtwister · 02/03/2014 09:06

I agree time to, that is why a lot of kids think they can do and behave how the hell they want.

I can assure you Aeroflotgirl that my children know exactly how to behave and are regularly complemented on their good behaviour. The fact is that you can still discipline a child and show them the correct boundaries without using language appropriate for an adult and making them upset. Using a hammer to crack a nut isn't necessary when speaking to a 5 yo. OP's first sentence was unnecessarily harsh and was ill thought out due to her own (understandable) annoyance. If you can't see that then God help you!

Goldmandra · 02/03/2014 09:06

I think it's important to remember that being brought down a peg or two by your own parent is much easier for a child to cope with than the same thing from a less familiar adult.

This little girl made a misjudgement. The OP told her clearly and calmly that her behaviour wasn't acceptable. That, in itself, was perfectly reasonable and children who already knew they weren't being very nice would probably have coped better but this little girl didn't. She was clearly shocked and upset.

I would probably have asked her not to use her hands in that way and explained that it wasn't kind to make a fuss about someone being last. I would also have taken her reaction as an indicator that my words had hit her harder than I intended and found a way to build bridges before the end of the party so that she knew it was her actions I didn't like, not her.

Children can learn about social rules other ways than being cut down and embarrassed. Of course it is sometimes it's unavoidable and we have to help children to learn to take that on the chin but it can be quite a blunt instrument, especially when it isn't tempered by the context of a secure attachment.

The tone of some posts seems to imply that the child feeling upset and embarrassed was a desirable outcome.For me the desirable outcome would be that the child had learned a new social rule without getting unnecessarily distressed.

Tailtwister · 02/03/2014 09:09

Excellent post Godmandra, finally someone who knows what they're talking about!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 09:12

Hopefully gold the child has learned. I don't feel op was harsh or I tented to have that reaction in the child. Op is not a mind reader, not all 5 year olds will react like that. Sometimes it's unavoidable, hopefully tge little girl will learn from it. No body is happy at the little girls reaction, but hopefully she will learn from it!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 09:14

I don't think op cut the child down or humiliated her, she simply told her not to talk to her like that, totally correct what else are you to say, it was rude. Yes it was to speak down about another child and to poke someone in tge stomach.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 09:17

Could understand if op had given the little girl a Sargent major style dressing down as we used to be given by teachers and parents, but she did not, I am failling to see what the fuss is about.

Nerris · 02/03/2014 09:20

I agree with Brantingham palace actually. I understand why it annoyed you but equally she is still a very young child who was just probably over-excited at a party and got carried away.
I probably would've pulled her up on the poking the stomach thing but in a more lighthearted way, but that's just me, we don't all respond to stuff like this in the same way.

Nerris · 02/03/2014 09:22

Sorry I meant Bratinghampalace! Oh and I agree with tailtwister also!

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