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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I Unreasonable to this child?

364 replies

iamsoannoyed · 01/03/2014 23:24

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a Shock. I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/03/2014 00:19

Is mile embarrassment due to rude behaviour a no no these days too?

Jesus what's left to do?

Oh I know, just smile and allow yourself to be poked in the stomach and have your child ridiculed by a 5 year old...

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2014 00:19

*mild

rockybalboa · 02/03/2014 00:20

YANBU. I can't believe a 5yo old would poke an adult in the stomach and say that!!!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 00:23

I can imagine that rocky when I was pg with ds, friends 4 year old ds hit me hard in the stomach and told me he hated me. Friend was mortified

AuditAngel · 02/03/2014 00:24

I believe in "equal opportunities parenting" this means I parent all children in the vicinity.

I would have called you following this incident, then passed my child the phone and made them apologise to you.

YANBU.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/03/2014 00:26

I would be mortified too and would only have rung to speak to you to (a) apologise and (b) check if there was anything else DD hadn't told me. Not in any way to suggest you were wrong but to check exactly what she said so I could properly deal with it at home too. Getting one side of a story from my 4.5yo is at the very best muddled and in some cases also includes unicorns and fairies!

Adeleh · 02/03/2014 00:33

YANBU. At all.

Original poster
iamsoannoyed · 02/03/2014 00:35

I accept that the story the girls mum got may not have been representative of what actually happened. I wouldn't have called another mum in a similar circumstance, but I wouldn't have minded her calling to ask what had happened- but that isn't what she did. She wouldn't actually say what her DD had told her I had said, even after I explained what had happened. She just said that the specific circumstances "weren't relevant"- as nobody but her parents should speak to this girl about bad behaviour- which I will respect, as that's what her parents have requested. But I will be distancing myself and DD from them, as it's more hassle than it's worth.

Bratingham Palace- I had no intention of "shaming" this girl. I did not shout, raise my voice and was not aggressive in any way. I think only 1 other person noticed, and she was sitting right beside me, as it was quite noisy/everyone was chatting- it's not like I made such a fuss that everyone in the room stopped and stared (which would have been unfair). I am unsure as to how I could have made the point more kindly- and I did say "please don't talk to me like that". She was rude and it isn't nice to point out to others that someone isn't good at something (I would have said something similar if she had said this to me about another child).

I was annoyed by her behaviour, and I thought it was rude. DD is 6, and next month and this girl will be 6 about a month after that. I would expect a 5 year old to know you cannot poke adults in the stomach, and that speaking to an adult like that was unacceptable. I might just about accept that she didn't realise that telling everyone that DD was last wasn't very nice (although, given other behaviour, I think this unlikely).

I guess the reason I don't think anything of it is that I would have been very embarrassed if my DD had spoken to another adult the way she spoke to me. I would have fully expected that adult to give her a ticking off, and would have told DD she deserved a telling off if I was told the circumstances.

I also know from my DD (although, admittedly after this incident) that this girl had been teasing her about being last. I told DD to ignore her behaviour, as it is ok not to be the best at something and that the other girl was being silly and mean. The odd thing is that this girl didn't win either (although clearly better than DD, who has inherited my lack of talent for ballsports thus far!).

OP posts:
BratinghamPalace · 02/03/2014 00:36

YOUTHE CAT - of course there is a problem embarrassing a child or an adult or anyone. I firmly believe that you can make your point with a child, especially a child that is not yours, in a gentle way that let's said child understand without the character judgements.
Why instruct a child to be kind and not rude when you are not being kind and are being quite rude.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2014 00:40

The OP wasn't rude at all Bratingham

And if a child feels mild embarrassment at their actions, it's a great thing because they'll learn from it.

I was embarrassed by adults pulling me up due to bad behaviour when I was a kid and it certainly helped me learn.

It's not like the OP poked her back or slapped her round the ear...

Actions have consequences and the child learned that.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 00:40

Beratingham op did nothing wrong. It's tge mothers attitude that is wrong. She probably rarely corrects her dd hence her dd was embarrassed. Op corrected the girl for her behaviour towards her, it's horrid being poked in tge stomach, and her comment was not nice. Geese no wonder there are little princes and princesses about. It takes a village to raise a child and all that. Op you dud nothing wrong.

YouTheCat · 02/03/2014 00:41

Well I shall continue to embarrass these poor lambs. If they feel embarrassment that is because they have been caught out in being wrong and they know it.

If they didn't know it they wouldn't be embarrassed would they?

Adeleh · 02/03/2014 00:42

But the OP wasn't rude to the child. She asked her not to speak to her rudely and pointed out that what the child had said was unkind. Which it was. OP wasn't unkind. She was firm. ( and pretty restrained actually, as the child had poked her in the stomach.)

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 00:43

Beratingham can you tell me how the op was rude and nasty to tge child Hmm. Simply because she told her tge truth. Op did not shout, she did not raise her voice, she did not threaten. Please enlighten me!

Original poster
iamsoannoyed · 02/03/2014 00:43

Well, Bratingham Palace, I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't think I was rude or particularly unkind.

I am genuinely not sure how to point out to a child that poking an adult and being rude to them, not to mention interrupting an adult conversation, can be done more nicely than something along the lines of "please don't speak to me like that".

I think it likely she did know she was in the wrong, and that's why she was embarrassed. As I said, I don't think she had a big audience.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 00:44

Ooh your supposed to correct them in that false sing song voice, with fake smile plastered on your face. Ah that's what op did not do, darn!

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 00:45

YANBU. The mother's attitude may well explain a lot about the child's behaviour, tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 00:47

Yes it's got to come through her, no it haven't. Where was she when op was being poked and teased. No wonder the girl is a little madam

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 00:49

If someone spoke to my child like that, I'd apologise for their being put in a position where they needed to. Though in fairness the child may have been less than frank about what actually happened.

"please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last." I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

The child was rude and unpleasant and was firmly but simply told to cut it out, and why. That's good parenting IMO. I'm not at all sure how you think a child could have bad behaviour pointed out without, you know - pointing out that the behaviour was bad? Confused

BrianTheMole · 02/03/2014 00:49

You're fine op. You did nothing wrong. I would have done the same. If my child had said that to you, i would have rang you to apologise.

perfectstorm · 02/03/2014 00:50

Sorry Aero, Xpost.

BratinghamPalace · 02/03/2014 00:51

Worra - I do not advocate what you say but I also do not agree, at all, with how the OP handled the situation with a very young child. I am around children that age all the time and in my experience she could have approached you in that way for many different reasons none of which are rude. At 5 almost 6 they get an awful lot wrong as well as an awful lot right. I like benefit of the doubt myself!

YouTheCat · 02/03/2014 00:54

I am around children that age all the time too.

Adeleh · 02/03/2014 00:56

How could she have been approaching OP poking her in the stomach and saying haha your kid came last without being rude?? It's very rude, very unpleasant behaviour and at 5 she should know that. And if she doesn't then she needs to be told calmly and firmly, which is exactly what the OP did.

BratinghamPalace · 02/03/2014 00:57

AERO -'just to be clear I never said the OP was nasty.

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