Was I Unreasonable to this child?

[iamsoannoyed]

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a . I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

OP - I agree to disagree. I have never and will never reprimand someone else's child. I know that is not a popular way on MN but there you go. It would be a shame to have everyone agree with you!!!

Op you were nbu in any way. And if this shamed this girl then it was her own actions causing her embarrassment. Hopefully it would make her stop and think twice the next time she think of being a disrespectful brat. A good lesson for her mother to learn too that not everyone is going to smile and put up with rude children.

I would be very cross if anyone poked me in the stomach and proceeded to tell me something.
YANBU.

Not only do I agree with you, but I would have liked more people to have had the confidence to reprimand my daughter when she was small if she did something wrong.
As a parent we want our children to grow up into wholesome members of society, which luckily she did, but we lived in Dublin and a lot of mothers in Dublin would not only react badly to having their children told off but also got completely defensive if anyone said a word against their child, so I had to go round to the mothers on the street where my daughter played and ask them to tell me if she behaved badly.

Bratingham have you ever done something and then on reflection realised that what you did/said was possibly wrong, I imagine you just brushed it aside and thought nothing more of it? Or did you feel embarrassed? No one but you brought it up you weren't harsh to yourself or rude but embarrassment is a normal reaction to realising you have done something wrong or silly.
The fact the girl was bates send means she is growing up and starting to
Understand the consequences of her actions unfortunately her mum has just undone this learning moment and the poor child could repeat this mistake again and again until she finds she has no friends left.
The op didn't set out to embarrass the child it was a consequence of her correcting the child.

I imagine your user name reflects your household?

Not bate embarrassed

YABU. It's not your place to police this child's behaviour. I can't understand why you would even want to. It seems like you got involved with a bit of a petty argument with a small child, what's the point? If the child is rude and obnoxious, your one 'telling off' is going to make little to no difference.

The mother of the child was also unreasonable to phone you.

You are both spending a ridiculous amount of time and effort obsessing over children's exchanges (which astonishi

posted to soon astonishingly enough, are childish).

Don't get involved.

Get an adult hobby and some adult conversation and leave the kid's chat at the door!

So if a child walked up to you, poked you and was rude, you'd just ignore them would you?

Would you acknowledge the child or talk to them normally?

Ignoring them = very rude
Talking normally = reinforcing bad behaviour

OP you handled it fine
She probably went running to granny who will have seen her a bit upset and then granny has told mum -a bit of Chinese whispers I think

MISSINGMUM My user name, like many on MN is my (perhaps weak) attempt at wit rather than an accurate description. My house is definitely not a palace and the only brat in the house is the dog. But he makes us laugh. Your musings are vivid. In this case I think there is no right and wrong rather a difference in approach. Which keeps life interesting, at least for me.
It is presumed that the child in question blushed because she recognized she did wrong. How do you know that?
OP presumes that she would have forgotten by the time she went home but the grandmother likely stirred the pot? Again how do you know that? There is a presumption that the mum has undone a learning moment. How do you know? Was the child standing there as she made the call? Did she do so privately? How do you know all this information?
Somehow this child felt that her relationship with the op was intimate/familiar enough for her to go and (wrongly) poke her. What is wrong with saying "you are very strong, that hurt me". Or " She is last? Poor thing, is she upset"?
There are many ways to make a point to a child who is learning their way around the nuances of life.
There really is very little point in getting snide with me, it is simply a different point of view and not one that should disturb you unduly.

OP I do not think yabu at all. Like some other posters I would perhaps offered an abbreviation of what you said but no matter. The mother was also wrong but I can see her getting a very different story than what happened as well. So in a very far reaching way I can 'see' why she 'might' call you but she should have asked your side of the story.

Unfortunately it seems parents of children like this don't ask what happened. It seems they assume the worst of the person in question.

Well, I'll go against the grain and say I think YWBU, overreacted and spoke to her more harshly than was necessary (from how I'm reading your description). She probably thought she was being funny and didn't intend to be rude. You could have demonstrated the kindness you wanted to see from her and explain in a more light fashion which would have still conveyed your point and not left her upset about it for the rest of the day.

Her mum was OTT to call you though

If a child came up to me and poked me they'd get a pretty brusque 'don't do that!' and if it upset them I'd not be too bothered. At almost six I'd expect them to know perfectly well that wasn't acceptable. If they followed up their poke with a nasty little brag then I see no reason why I'd be thinking that I must be very kind to them. The OP was pretty measured really.

YANBU, the child was rude to you and your DD, physically and verbally. Her parents/ guardians weren't available to deal with the incident directly, and a child of that age should be aware that at least some of that behaviour is wrong.

I see it as very different to the playgroup situation and snatching toys back of very small children when their parent is to hand.

Unfortunately the mother's precious attitude could well explain the liberties being taken by her child. My phone call after would be about clarifying what happened an appologising. It's always more effective dealing with incidents when they are fresh in the child's mind..

iamsoannoyed You were very restrained, both with the child and its mother. "Discipline" involves something punitive, merely contradicting the child's assertion is hardly that.

I wouldn't be allowing the kid over to play again. Too much of a minefield.

Why get that involved with a 5yr old? Seriously...I would have said 'did she' and left it at that.

Mainly because 5 yr olds still lack the knowledge to know that everything you think doesn't need to come out of your mouth. Or that they get things muddled sometimes.

It wasn't up to you to issue her with any "reminders". She is only 5 & still learning what is & isn't appropriate.

Also, you have no idea what she told her mum, she could have relayed it completely wrong, but as her parent, she has to defend her dd.

YANBU at all to admonish her for that. Maybe you spoke more harshly than intended, but I wasn't there so I don't know.

I think speaking to here there and then is likely to have much more impact than telling her gran, or her mum later.

Don't act too hastily about not having her round. She is only 5 and is learning what is and isn't acceptable.

Your last paragraph smacks of annoyance at the mother.

... the reason I say that is that you really can have no idea what your own child may be capable of saying when you are not there. Would you want her vetoed from playdates on the evidence of one incident.

I work in a school and I know that little children do and say things that their parents would be highly embarrassed about if they were to find out about them

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. The child is nearly 6, not just 5. That makes a huge difference. She is old enough to know basic good manners, like saying 'excuse me' rather than poking an adult in the stomach. The fact she sought you out to tell you your child had 'done badly' and she had 'done better' is rather unpleasant behaviour. She is an attention seeker who feels her value as a person is to beat others and win - says a lot about the parenting! As she gets older her peers will tell her this kind of thing is nasty in a much blunter way! In the long run you have done her a favour - it is a shame her mother seems to be undermining the lesson learned.

You were not rude, aggressive or unpleasant to the child. Children don't crumple and die because they are told off. It does not fatally wound them to be told they are wrong, to lose, to not be the best, to not come home with a trophy or medal simply for taking part. Unfortuantely many parents seem to think it will!

This mother sounds like someone who feels it is her job to rescue her child from every bump in the road. It does no good - you are not protecting their self-esteem by teaching them that they are never wrong, that societal expectations (like manners and grace when winnning) do not apply to them. What you are doing is failing your child by never lettting them solve their own problems, face the consequences of their negative actions or experience apologising. As another poster said, once the mother knew what had happened, she should be telling her child to apologise to you for poking- she didn't and she failed her child by not letting her learn a normal and necessary lesson. Her child's behaviour was not very nice, you reacted to it in a reasonable way. Don't lose any sleep over it.

You were fine- very restrained IMO. I wouldn't even discuss it with the mother other than to say that you don't tolerate people poking you in the stomach. If you do have the child around I would have a word with her at the start and tell her your rules.

You were probably harsher than I'd have been. The child's mother made a bigger deal than I'd have done.

YANBU and people saying otherwise blatantly have little monsters darlings.

If it happens again you are perfectly with in your rights to say 'it's not very nice to poke people. Also nobody likes a show off'

My 5 year old understands perfectly what's appropriate or inappropriate, what's good behaviour and what's not. They are surrounded by expectations and need to stay in line in lots if different environments - holiday clubs, with relatives, at school. It takes a community to raise a child. As a patent who has lots of play dates, it's normal to remind children how to behave. The little girl sounds like a brat enduldged hugely by her mother though. She will grow up to be a right madam I'm sure.